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MAY: OFFSEASON HIJINKS
Anyone who still wonders why it is that foreigners
complain that Americans don't understand them need only look
at the elaborate security preparations undertaken before this
past week's Indy 500. According to numerous news reports,
security at the race was heightened "in the wake of the events
of September 11," and the city of Indianapolis even assigned
a special "terrorism preparedness coordinator" named Peter
Beering to make sure none of the 400,000 mullet-headed spectators
hid boxcutters in their mayonnaise jars. After the race, which
passed without arrests, Beering declared the event a security
success. Fans apparently agreed with him; AP even quoted one
patriotic race fan who raved about how fun it was to be searched.
"Brett Eiler," the agency wrote, "an airline pilot from Chicago,
waited less than five minutes in line as security officials
searched coolers and handbags... Searches at other large events
should be so thorough and yet so quick, said Eiler, who was
celebrating his 40th birthday with his wife and four friends
in matching T-shirts and straw hats. 'It was convenient, it
wasn't a hassle, it was great,' he gushed." Left out of all
of the hullabaloo was the unanswered question: what self-respecting
Arab terrorist would ever be seen at an Indy Car race? "Why
the fuck would I bother with the Indy 500?" Osama bin Laden
was quoted as saying by the Al-Jazzeri news service. "Who
can stand to sit there for all that time watching those goddamn
cars go in a circle? I've got enough problems..."
Authorities were not so successful, meanwhile,
in preventing outbreaks of athlete violence in other areas.
May is generally a slow month for athlete arrests: falling
as it does between the traditionally arrest-heavy periods
surrounding major league baseball spring training and the
arrival of newly-rich NFL rookies at their training camps,
it tends to be a time in which hardworking athletes in the
NBA and the NHL carry out their season-ending quests for greatness
in law-abiding dignity. Nonetheless, there are numerous subgroups
of athletes who represent high May arrest risks. Chief among
those are the veteran bench performers for NBA teams already
eliminated from the playoffs. Knocked out for the season,
hounded by fans and media for their failures, and generally
pissed off over a season's worth of unresolved playing time
issues, the subs tend to find it hard to avoid jumping in
the proverbial unregistered vehicle with the proverbial open
container of beer.
One of the first hoopsters to get busted
this year was Houston Rockets reserve forward Terence Morris,
whose arrest for speeding and driving with a suspended license
was in keeping with the steady downward pattern his career
has followed over the years... Just a few years ago, Morris
was on top of the world. After his sophomore year at Maryland,
he was a first-team all-ACC player and a sure lottery pick.
After his junior year, he was named to the second all-ACC
team and looked like a low 20s draft steal. Senior year: honorable
mention, near-certain undrafted status. Somehow he makes the
Rockets and spends a year straining to get a look at the court
over the afro of fellow benchmate Moochie Norris. Then, last
week, with the Rockets out of the playoffs, Morris gets pulled
over for doing 76 in a 60 zone; police run his license and
find out that he'd failed to complete a remedial driving course
in November. Sentence: $385 fine and further shame and disappointment.
76 in a 60 zone? Can't a black man get a break in this country?
Portland Trail Blazers reserve forward Zach
Randolph, meanwhile, caught the business end of another driving-while-black
arrest. Shortly after being bounced from the payoffs by the
superior Lakers, Randolph was pulled over by police in Marion,
Indiana because his SUV "matched the description of a gang
vehicle." Police, apparently distressed at haven taken the
trouble to pull over a black man only to not get an arrest
out of it, decided to do a breathalizer on Randolph on the
off-chance that he might score them a DUI. No luck; his blood
alcohol level was less than half the legal limit of .08 percent.
But give credit to the innovative Indiana police. They came
up with something. Randolph, who came out for the draft early,
was underage. Police arrested him for underage drinking, and
the backup now faces a 6-month jail term if convicted. Incidentally,
he averaged 2.8 points and 1.7 rebounds last year.
No offseason would be complete, of course,
without the wayward fist of the odd NFL veteran making into
way into the face of his wife— or, as she is usually
called by the sporting press, the "mother of his child." With
behaviorally-erratic wide receiver Terry Glenn back on medication
and making nice for his new team in Green Bay, it fell to
other players to pick up the domestic abuse slack this year.
The first to answer the call was San Francisco 49ers center
Jeremy Newberry, who was arrested after apparently striking
a woman for the perfectly understandable reason that her boyfriend
had untied Newberry's 
boat from a raft of 15 moored vessels, causing it to
float away. Newberry denied the charges, however. "She didn't
like the way I was talking to her boyfriend," Newberry said.
"Then she slapped me in the side of the head. My sister said,
'What are doing putting your hands on my brother?' And then
(Jennifer) smacked her. I wouldn't hit a woman anyway." Police
for some reason didn't believe the story; the investigation
is continuing.
Last but not least, Glenn's Packer teammate,
running back Ahman Green, was issued a protection order for
making terrorist threats against his wife. Shalynn Green told
police that her husband had beaten her up twice while she
was pregnant. The sports-crime cliche quotient for this story
was rounded out when it was reported that "Green's agent and
attorney, as well as the Packers, did not immediately return
phone calls." While they work their stories out, the case
is pending and Shalynn has custody. Look for the veterans
to take it easy on police next month while the rookies flood
into their dormitories at camp...
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