IT HAD NO SNAPPER
Hi guys,
I am writing in response to the posting at exile.ru about
help with the new publications. I live in Brooklyn, NY; and
being a long time eXile.ru reader, I would like to offer my
help to your publication in Buffalo. My background is in IT.
Regards,
Dmitry Zuykov
Dear Dmitry,
We were going to say that if you really wanted to help, you
could send us a picture of your girlfriend's snapper. But
since you're in IT, you probably don't have one. So we don't
know what to ask you.
THERE IS NO SPELL-CHECKER IN HEAVEN
Dear Matt,
I stumbled across your eXile article "God
Can Suck My Dick" and am saddened to see such a thing.
I thought I'd email to let you know that God loves you anyway
... even with such blasphemous thoughts.
It's your choice to turn from Him ... He's
there with open arms anytime.
Eternity in hell is a long time, you might
want to get things straight (with Him) before you die.
Your article suggests persuing an argument
with witnessing Christians to basically annoy them ... witnessing
Christians seek you to try and help you, not annoy you.
Just because you decided to believe hell
doesn't exist, doesn't make the reality of it go away. With
all due respect, maybe you could set aside all of that smart
aleck attitude and consider "absolute truth".
It's your choice, though ... eternity is
a long time.
Paddlehead
Tuskegee, Alabama
Dear Paddlehead,
Hell is nothing compared to what your wife has to go through
every night. Fuck off and die. And please tell your creepy
Christian friends to stop writing us. We have a whole new
generation of hate-mail writers here in Buffalo to make room
for.
NED GAVE US AIDS
Hello,
Saw the ad @ exile.ru.
I'm in Buffalo and have been reading eXile for a year or so--&,
in fact, used it as a vestige of freedom of the press in my
most recent book (you can see some of my work @ amazon, loompanics.com,
et al.). I also frequent strip clubs. What more can you ask?
Let me know about your project.
All the best,
Ned Beaumont
Dear Ned,
Okay, so we called you after we got this letter, and made
an arrangement to go meet you at the Anchor Bar. We get there
at the appointed time, and--no Ned Beaumont. Fifteen minutes,
a half hour, an hour pass. 20 wings later we're sitting there
staring at each other, faces covered in wing sauce, like a
pair of jilted prom dates. Finally, we got up and left. We
were so distraught that.. you know what we did? We drove to
East Buffalo, scored three grams of smack, and shot dope all
weekend. We're addicts now. It'll be virtually impossible
for us to avoid AIDS at this point... And all because of you,
Ned. We're looking at twenty years of protease inhibitors
because of you. Twenty years of waking up every morning and
checking our ankles for Kaposi's sarcoma. You think we need
that shit? Fuck you, Ned. Fuck you and your books on amazon.com.
I'M A FAMOUS TROUSER PILOT
Dear Beasti,
Perhaps you remember the long boring tirade on Buffalo politics
I sent you a few months ago. My interest has been piqued by
your call for Exile readers from Buffalo. I'm a 'respectable
citizen' and something of a public figure, as such association
with your publishing project, either in Moscow or Buffalo
could be damaging to my reputation and professional interests.
If your new project is something the larger Buffalo community
could appreciate I would be glad to help, even if it isn't
I might contribute. Either way I'm curious to know what you're
hatching.
Also, I recommend you contact [names prominent
homosexual in the Buffalo Arts community] he's a busy guy,
but he knows his beat.
Good Luck,
Buffalo Bill
Dear Bill,
So you're a public figure, huh? Sure. And we're Chinese jet
pilots. Write us back when you finish freshman year.
A HELPING HAND
Dear [sic],
i'd be quite interested in getting a better idea of what you're
cooking up in buffalo -- even though i'm in NYC, maybe there's
something i could do for you...
bev
Dear bev,
Yeah, there's something you can do for us. There's this guy
in Brooklyn named Dima Zuykov who hasn't been laid in years.
Give him a call, take him out for a cheeseburger, and then
take him home and fuck his brains out. Then let him take a
picture of your snapper, so that he can send it to us. Because
right now, he can't send us a picture of anyone's snapper.
GO FORTH AND SUCK
Hi,
I'm on Long Island, about half an hour from NYC. Can I in
any way help the new paper?
Sincerely,
Dan Palchik
Dear Dan,
Yes, you can. You can go online to www.artvoice.com,
subscribe to ArtVoice, and then spread the word in Long Island
about the mysteries of bus stop construction. Great tidal
waves always start with a ripple. Be brave; be first. You
have our support.
THAT'S NOT FUNNY
Dear Dickwads,
Heard through the grapevine that you illiterate losers were
leaving Russia to come to my home city, of all places. What,
is there no place to get back hair treatments in Russia? Did
the local hookers there raise their prices to $20? You guys
sell yourselves as these debonair sex kings, but I've seen
your pictures, and the truth is that you're just a bunch of
sad middle-aged guys with receding hairlines. Just like every
other guy in Buffalo. Good luck finding girls to be impressed
by your blue passports here in the USA.
I was forced to read you guys for my Russia
class in college, and I hated you then. Now that I'm out of
school and back home, I still hate you. I'm looking forward
to seeing you fail here. I'm sure a lot of women around the
country feel the same way. Assume the position, dweebs. Get
ready for a big dose of reality.
Loving this,
Pam
Dear Pam,
We can't argue with that! Now that's a letter, folks. Pam,
call our offices today to claim a free BEAST t-shirt. U Deserve
It, girl!
I AM HANDSOME AND YOUR FRIEND
Dear Beast,
 Saw
your ad on exile.ru calling for help in Buffalo. I live in
Rochester, where I'm temping and don't have a lot to do. Since
I'm a guy, I don't have a picture of my snapper, but I do
have a picture of what I look like. I'm enclosing it here:
Do you think there might be a place for me
at the BEAST? I don't have computer skills, but I am willing
to go out to clubs and "hit the town." I've been a fan of
eXile for a long time and think I could really help out.
Let me know,
Jason K.
Rochester
Dear Jason,
This is a joke, right? You don't really look like that, do
you? Get out of here, you nut! Send us your real picture!
We're not falling for any of that stuff! Whaddya think, we
were born yesterday? Get out of town, U!
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