NHL TAKEOVER
GOOD FOR BUFFALO
 As
The Beast went to press on Thursday, the National Hockey
League held its annual meeting to discuss tactics for
selling their un-watchable product to a blase nation
of "Survivor" viewers. Rumored to be among the potential
items on the table at the meeting was the prospect of
the NHL intervening in the dire financial situation
in Buffalo and the league even taking over control at
HSBC Arena.
We
at the Beast say, Great, whatever it takes. Let us examine
some of the ramifications of there being NHL standards
and guidelines imposed on Buffalo: Anyone in violation
of the helmet rule, excepting of course those exempt
through a "grandfather" clause, would be removed from
the streets of civic activities. Now that may seem a
difficult condition to accept, however, big, tough,
fat, ugly bikers in like forty-six states have learned
to live with the ignominy of wearing head protection,
right alongside pantywaists like optometrists on $20,000
Harleys and alternative newspaper publishers zooming
about on Bavarian cafe scooters. |
Phil
Esposito driving a zamboni |
Beer
prices would rise dramatically from their now third-world
levels, pricing many people, who have no business getting
drunk enough to fuck and potentially procreate anyway, right
out of the arena. Ridiculous, oversized, and exorbitantly
priced "authentic" teamwear would be the only available clothing,
but we would at least know where everyone's allegiance stood.
In
Buffalo now, as in much of the rest of the state, the penalty
for icing could be up to a lifetime in prison. By NHL standards,
icing results only in a do-over in the offender's "zone."
So we would all have to watch our steps and mouths a bit more
closely and the meek be damned.
The NHL has long been in the practice of expanding its interests
in unlikely geographic areas like North Carolina and Phoenix,
Arizona, while forsaking its loyal fan bases in places like
Winnipeg, Manitoba, and Quebec City, Quebec. If they were
to take that approach in Buffalo they may move the Albright-Knox
Art Museum to Riverside, making room for some titty bars and
OTBs along the Olmstead Crescent. Then maybe that fruity Shakespeare-in-the
Park crew would fly the coop and we could put a long-needed
thoroughbred racetrack in the center of the metropolitan area,
Delaware Park. Who knows, if enough of those snoooty I-wish-Buffalo-were-Paris
blowhards were to haul ass we might be able to attract some
NASCAR/Winston Cup action to town and not have to drive over
to Watkins Glen or out to Brooklyn, Michigan, and whereever
the hell else all summer through.
There would certainly be drawbacks to an NHL-run city. There
would be theme nights, ad infintium. Gordie Howe, Stan Makita,
Guy Richard, Tim Horton in one long, grim death march... skateless,
slipping and sliding around on makeshift patches of ice prepared
for each's appearance. You may wake some mornings, look out
your window and see, maybe, Phil Esposito perched high upon
the back of a slow-rolling Zamboni, wearing a strained but
fatuous smile, pathetically waving toward the upper-floor
windows of the houses on your street. That's no way to start
the day.
On the other hand we could all probably get used to a town
where, when a guy gives you a bad check, you just knock his
teeth out and are only given a two-minute minor. All personal
injuries would be handled promptly by the league and would
usually result in token fines and brief suspensions. Hell,
unless Cellino & Barnes can make dentures, plates, bridges,
and such, they would be out of business.
We all know the old joke--Q: Why do Canadians do it doggy-style?
A: So they can both watch the hockey game.
The Beast would worry that our sometimes not-so-acute neighbors
(to the North) may misconstrue the implications of the nature
of our potential arrangement with the NHL and they, expecting
a spirited round of four-checking and two-line passes, may
position themselves ever so unsightily along the banks of
the Niagara River, opposite our fair city, hoping to catch
a glimpse of our nightly game.
Could we endure that visual? Would the children of our sexually
repressed community understand the inherent beauty in the
tender acts of our softer bordermates?
Desperate times call for desperate measures. We need to decide
now if these times are desperate enough for us have our police
force ride three to a car and surrender those cute little
arm patches with the lighthouse and the boat for the more
internationally recognized black-and-white "zebra" stripes.
Moreover, there are larger issues that loom. Will an NHL-controlled
district mean the systematic exclusion of black people? Is
that a loss we can bear? In that eventuality, would Luther
Vandross or Ol' Dirty Bastard even route their subsequent
tours through Buffalo? Would an NHL regime mean the virtual
extinction of Americans from our streets? Would packs of enigmatic
Eastern Europeans control our passing lanes? Would statuesque
Scandinavians be entrusted with our defensive schemes?
These are all questions that need closer examination as we
await the developments that will ensue from the meetings yesterday.
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