 CORPORATE
FANMAIL
Life
Imitates... Sarcasm?
We
at the BEAST have come to believe over time that there's no
better way to get through a rainy day than to fire off twenty
or thirty corporate love letters. With even the world's largest
companies, you don't have a vote, but you do always have an
audience. That's particularly true if you're writing GM to
tell them how well the thrust of their airbags feels on your
face, or sending Virgin Airways a note thanking them for reducing
the size of seats in coach, because there was "just too much
damn foot room before." Companies will tend to ignore all
but the most urgently serious (read: potentially actionable)
complaints, but they tend to accept as genuine even the most
psychotic expressions of praise, and with surprising frequency
will even write you back to thank you for the kind word.
That said, we've always believed that it's worthwhile to send
companies a little bad news every now and then, just to keep
their customer service people on their toes. Nothing violent
or threatening, mind you, just a tale or two of profound disappointment
with their product... wives leaving because you've grown too
fat on Pop Tarts... Jiffy corn kernels that produce green
popcorn... family parrots killed when they walk into your
toaster... That kind of thing. Usually, the letters you get
in response are more than worth a good laugh; the most common
reply is a kind of abject corporate apology that is the closest
thing we have in America to the face-saving self-mutilation
performed by shamed Yakuza.
Last week, however, this ploy backfired on us spectacularly
when a complaint we sent to the General Mills cereal company
turned out not to be absurd beyond the realm of possibility,
as we thought, but... completely and utterly true. What we
wrote to them about our tainted Wheaties may not have been
art, but whatever it was, life certainly imitated it. This
sure is a crazy world. Here's that letter, plus the rest of
the replies from our first installment of corporate
fan mail:
Dear General Mills,
I am writing to you to express my profound disappointment
about an incident regarding your cereal, Wheaties.
A week ago, I purchased your cereal in a supermarket here
in my home town of Buffalo, New York. I eat Wheaties because
it has a hearty wheat taste, and enhances my sense of self-esteem
by allowing me to experience vicariously the triumphs of professional
athletes.
But on this occasion I opened my box to discover that it contained
a booklet of anti-Semitic literature. The material was of
the most grossly offensive kind, but contained no publisher
or author information. I was left to conclude that it had
been produced by your company.
As a Jew I am obviously deeply offended by this incident.
Moreover, my young daughter was exposed to the booklet; as
a result, I was forced to explain to her the realities of
anti-Semitism far earlier than I had hoped. My wife and I
had planned to wait several years before having this talk
with her. We have even experienced marital problems and difficulties
with shared intimacy as a result of this incident.
I hope that you will address this matter in a manner befitting
your professional reputation. I await your reply/apology.
Sincerely,
Morris Weinstein
Buffalo, New York
Dear Mr. Weinstein:
Thank you for contacting General Mills regarding the material
you found in our Wheaties.
We regret to inform you that our food products have been used
by a group in the New Jersey area as a vehicle to distribute
literature. These flyers have been placed into ours as well
as other manufacturer's food packages at various grocery chains
for the past several months.
General Mills is cooperating with New Jersey law enforcement
agencies and other consumer product companies. Until this
situation is taken care of, we extend our sincere apologies
to those that this material is aimed as well as consumers
who purchased product that this material was found in.
We would like to retrieve this pamphlet for our quality control
department. A self-addressed stamped envelope will be sent
to you for this purpose.
We apologize for the concern this has caused your family.
In keeping with our quality guarantee a gift selection of
coupons will also be sent to you.
Sincerely,
Sue Fenwick
General Mills
Consumer Services
Dear Red Lobster,
First of all, let me just start by saying a great big THANK
YOU for inventing and operating the BEST DAMN RESTAURANT ON
THE PLANET! You people should run the entire country, as far
as I'm concerned. I've been a devoted fan ever since my parents
took me to your Springfield, PA, location for my 7th birthday.
I've spent many a sleepless night all these many years wondering
what it is about your establishment that I'm so drawn to,
but I guess it's just the seafood lover in me, as your inspiring
TV adverts so succinctly put it.
In fact, I've recently been going back over my day planners
and have determined that I have visited an exciting and inviting
Red Lobster restaurant at least once per week for the past
14 years and 8 months! I don't know if you keep track of such
things, but do you have frequent diners Hall of Fame to honor
the accomplishments of devoted RL diners such as myself? Perhaps
you could also organize regional singles groups so that the
biggest Red Lobster fans can meet other like-minded folk in
their areas. That would be totally awesome.
Thanks again and KEEP UP THE GOOD WORK!!!
With very best wishes,
Kevin McElwee
Buffalo, NY
Dear Mr. McElwee,
Thank you for taking the time to contact us. Suggestions from
our guests are taken very seriously, and I will be sharing
your ideas.
Please be certain that Red Lobster takes suggestions from
our guests very seriously, and the appropriate people will
be notified of your recommendation. Again, thank you for taking
the time to share your comments. Please do not hesitate to
contact us, if we may be of further assistance.
Sincerely,
Roberto
Guest Relations
Representative
Dear Tampax,
I'm just writing to tell you that I think YOUR TAMPONS ARE
GREAT! KEEP UP THE GOOD WORK!!!
I am a professional chef, and I think you should find more
applications for your product (pardon the pun!)! I find that
there are many uses for them in a kitchen, and I make all
of my staff use them whenever they can!
That's right—they call me Mr. Tampax around here!
I say—let 'em!
Yours Sincerely,
Matt Taibbi
Executive Chef
The Buffalo Club
Well, Matt, that's interesting and I appreciate your input.
But Tampax tampons are designed for women for use during their
menstrual period. This is the only use we recommend.
Thanks for writing.
Sherri
USA Tampax Team
Dear Sauder Woodworking folk,
Thanks a bunch for making the easiest-to-assemble wooden furniture
around! Never once have I opened up one of your products to
find that a vital screw or bolt was missing, as happens so
often with your competitors' items. Whenever I need a piece
of furniture to house my CD collection or to make hobbying
interests more convenient, Sauder is the name I look to. In
fact, if my first-born child (due in September) should be
a boy, I intend to name him "Sauder." However, Sauder is not
a very good name for a girl, I think you would agree.
Please don't ever stop doing those things you do,
Kevin McElwee
Buffalo, NY
Dear Mr. McElwee, Thank you for taking the time to write with
your comments and compliments, we appreciate it.
Letters and e-mail such as yours puts a "smile" in our day!
Thank you again.
Sincerely,
Tanya R. Howell
SAUDER WOODWORKING
Dear Connecticare,
I'm just writing to tell you how impressed I am with your
company and to say KEEP UP THE GOOD WORK!!!
I think HMOs get a bad rap, and from what I hear of your company,
it would be MORE THAN INAPPROPRIATE to lay the misdeeds of
a few at good corporate feet such as yours. I definitely think
that you are one of the top three HMOs in Connecticut!
I no longer have health insurance, but when I find a way to
get it again, I plan on doing everything I can to make sure
that I am covered by CONNECTICARE!
Thank you!
Matt Taibbi
Danbury, CT
Dear Mr. Taibbi:
Thank you for your recent positive feedback. ConnectiCare
continually strives toward service excellence and a level
of commitment to our Members that sets us apart from other
health plans. We are particularly pleased to know when we've
achieved that goal.
Please let us know if there is any way to be of further assistance.
We can be reached via email through our website at www.connecticare.com
or by calling toll-free 1-800-251-7722.
Sincerely,
ConnectiCare Member Services
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