Receptionist:
Sheer Elegance Massage Parlor.
Charles:
(nervously) Hi, I'm interested in becoming a, uh, a "client."
R:
Yeah.
C:
Yes, what are your, uh, what are you rates?
R:
It's thirty for half and sixty for the
hour. We're open from eleven to nine. Our last booking for
an appointment is eight-thirty. Ummm...
C:
Thirty dollars... for a half an hour. And
that's the smallest, uh, billing period I get a reservation
for. That's the shortest amount of time I could arrange.
R:
Well, the hour is sixty.
C:
That would be longer.
R:
Right. A half-hour.
C:
So the shortest is thirty.
R:
(straining to think of clearer explanation)
Right. The half-hour is thirty, the hour is sixty.
C:
Right, I ask because I'm really only going
to need, um, the service of your women for about, uhh...
a few... only a couple minutes. Two or three minutes.
R:
Well, we don't do that. You have to
take the half-hour or the hour.
C:
Right, the interesting thing of it is-I
don't know if you've heard... of who I am before... (crazily
fumbling) I'm, uh... I'm uh... I'm running for, uh, for
Congress. (forgetting name) My name's Charles Langley, um,
and the reason I was interested in becoming a client of
yours, the reason I would need one of your women, is for,
uh, well, uh, a promotional, uh, event I'm trying to arrange.
R:
You mean for an outcall?
C:
Yes, it's an outcall of sorts.
R:
Well we don't do outcalls, so... you
would have to call probably an escort service or somethin'.
C:
Well... uhh... th- the woman wouldn't have
to appear in any house. It would be on the public streets.
R:
(aghast) Pardon me?
C:
It... well, if I could present to you what
I, what I had in mind. With the degradation of the current,
uh, state of mind in America and the current "morale situation,"
I was thinking that a hero is what people would want to
vote for in Congress. America needs a certain heroism. I
was hoping to stage an event in which I could, heroically,
uh, save the life of one of your women.
R:
(laughing) Well, I don't think...
C:
Don't...
R:
...we'd be interested in that.
C:
We've arranged for a bus, a Metro NFTA
bus, to be coming down Delaware Boulevard, right in front
of Niagara square, in front of the city hall. The bus would
look like it's careening out of control. Possibly the bus
driver would appear to be inebriated or, uh, drugged--he's
afflicted with one of the problems that affects so many
inner-city dwellers these days. Your, uh, your woman would
be walking out in front, I would step in front of the bus--the
bus driver I've already contacted, he's already in with
this plan--I would step out in front and save the life of
your woman. And then, um, hopefully a photographer or a
media representative will be, uh, around to capture the
moment. Really, it will capture what, uh, America needs
right now: a sort of symbolic heroism, especially with the
on-going War Against Terrorism that President Bush is, is
trying to wage. There's no woman in your, in your program
that would be, uh, suitable for this purpose?
R:
Not, not that right now I could tell
you, no.
C:
Well, is there any woman in your program
that is familiar with the school vouchers, uh, idea? Any
woman that could speak with any sort of articularity about
welfare reform?
R:
Mmmm... no. Hm-mmm.
C:
(sighing) How much taxable income are your
women making in a year? Are they concerned about the astounding
rate of high income taxes, uh, in New York?
R:
Oh, everybody is.
C:
Everybody is? Oh, okay! I agree. This is
one of my, uh, this is at the fore of my campaign platform.
If we could establish a flat-rate tax system and--get a
woman, a commoner, to speak about it, uh, to a media representative,
after having just been heroically saved by Charles Longley--Chuck
Longley, GOP Candidate for Congress from Erie County--if
we could get one of these situations to occur, I think it
would, I think it would really alter the paradigm of the
New York tax system. There's no woman in your house who
could help me out in this situation?
R:
Mmmm... not right now, no.
C:
(hopeful) Tomorrow?
R:
Tomorrow.
C:
Would there be a woman tomorrow?
R:
Maybe you could call back tomorrow.
C:
Would there be, would there be, uh, a woman?
R:
There might be.
C:
There might be. Do you know who that might
be?
R:
No, not at... no, not right now.
C:
You don't have a...
R:
I'd have to talk to people first.
C:
Is there any of your women who attended
a private school?
R:
(cluelessly) Uh, for election purposes?
C:
(baffled) For their... for high school.
Did any of your women graduate from high school?
R:
(confidently) Yes.
C:
A private high school? A Catholic School?
Maybe using a school voucher system?
R:
(actually trying to think of the correct
answer) Mmmm... that one, I'd have to ask.
C:
Okay, because, again, the dilapidation
of the public schools is something I'm trying to hit at
this year. Uh... any of your women unionized? Does a union
have a tight, firm hold, uh (realizing the blatant sexual
overtone), a grip on, uh, on your industry?
R:
Well those are things that I need...
to... talk with everybody here and see who's... got what,
(chuckling at her own ignorance), flexible...
C:
Are there any collective bargaining agreements?
A sort of paralysis on the industry led by corrupt union
forces?
R:
Mmmm... no.
C:
(condescendingly) None that... none that
you would know about. (Deep, prolonged sigh.)
R:
(trying to be helpful) Maybe if you
call tomorrow, I'll have a little bit more to talk to you
about.
C:
Okay, if you could just keep in mind, it's
Charles Longley.
R:
Okay.
C:
Republican Party Candidate for 2002. I
have the primaries coming up, so if you could please help
me out, uh with any woman who, uh, might be able to act
as a sort of "damsel in distress."
R:
Okay.
C:
Thank you.
R:
You're welcome.
C:
Bye.
You
can't say the BEAST doesn't take politics seriously. Truth
be told, one of our own is running for Congress. We've known
Charles Longley for years--he used to date one of the editor's
mothers, before she dumped him for a Belgian poet--and know
him to be one of America's great patriots. He's a Republican,
but we let that slide because he's so sincere. In fact, we
even plan to support him in the next election cycle, because
we think America need more men like Chuck: honest, forthright,
patriotic, and a little eccentric. 