SIZE IS IMPORTANT
Dear
[sic],
My name is Elizabeth Lavis, graduate of St. Bonaventure University
(class 2001). I majored in Journalism/Mass Communication and
minored in Political Science. I was the Associate Editor of
the Buffalo Gazette for about 8 months after college and have
free-lanced in various newspapers/magazines in Buffalo and
the surrounding area. Basically I am looking for more experience
in my field and would be interested in doing writing, editing
and layout for your publication. I would be happy to submit
a resume detailing my experience if needed. Additionally,
I would be happy to meet in person to discuss the possibility
of working for your publication.
Elizabeth Lavis
Dear Elizabeth,
Send a photo of your college-educated snapper to sic@buffalobeast.com.
Jpegs are best. Pay close attention to lighting and pixel
size. Thank you.
NO,
HE IS AN ARTIST
Dear Beast,
The Bar-Dak key couldn't be more accurate. The only jeer I
have is that you blocked out the bar revue under Liar's and
Queen City lounge..... and I am sure those revues were as
funny as the rest. If your going to block the revue atleast
block it with something good to look at, like a nice set of
breasts, not an asshole.
Blizak Jizak
Dear Blizak,
Tom Sartori isn't an asshole. He's Buffalo's best solo artist,
two years running. Don't you read the newspapers?
SEE
DICK WRITE
Hey,
nice start guys, all of you are just what we need, hang in
there and as soon as I get organized I am at your service.
Steve, or "Dick" (my alter ego)
Dear Dick or Steve,
Whose service do we get once you're organized? Dick's, or
Steve's? Whoever we get, we'll take him! U sound like R kind
of guy! Not that we don't appreciate it, but can't a guy get
some decent hate mail in this town? What do we have to do,
fuck an altar boy in a confessional? Oh, wait--that gig's
taken!
WHITE
WOMEN DIG US
Dear Beast.
I read your publication for the first time last night. I thought
I was the only one who: did not deify Jamie Moses, continues
to be appalled at the decimation of the incredibly priceless
waterfront of a "great lake" by a highway (wouldn't it be
nice if city children could actually swim in the lake?), at
the ( Hannah Arendt defined evil as "a lack of imagination")
lunar landscape designed to inhibit human interaction of the
so-called North Campus, believes that The Mohawk and The Pink
are the only bars in Buffalo with soul (I'm regrettably not
familiar with east side establishments, being a white woman
of a certain age), can't bear the ineptitude of the old boy's
club of the Masiello administration, etc. Having come to regard
myself as a hopelessly misanthropic cynic prone to choosing
books over company I was so gratified to read your paper.
But I love Buffalo. Tried living in the northwest. Seattle
is way too mellow, and the northeast, there are hardly any
native Vermonters left, having been dispossessed by wealthy
Bostonians. I came back. I love the people here. We know we're
screwed and there's some sort of psychoanalytically complex
reason why we enjoy it. Being Irish Catholic helps me approximate
understanding and tolerance of the Buffalo psyche. One thing
is for sure. It is perverse, and certain cultures thrive on
perversity. Anyway, welcome, truly welcome to the fray.
sh
Dear sh,
Boing-g-g! We've got major wood! You could house a pack of
Sherpas in this tent! Mount Everest, here we come!
OUR
ASSHOLES ARE BETTER THAN YOURS
Hey, [sic],
Holy jesus mother of god, you bastards are fucking hilarious.
You MUST do a prank about the Sabres...the entire goddamn
town is scared shitless that the team will be leaving town
now that the Rigases have fucked Adelphia dry, so the timing
would be perfect. In addition, the prank would play perfectly
into Buffalonians' need for paranoia as well as self-pity.
Oh, please, I implore you...fuck with these people some more.
Buffalo's a great town filled with provincial assholes (as
I can see you're already finding), so any more pranks that
play on those traits would be most welcomed.
A pseudo-realistic prank that would have the Sabres moving
to Rochester, Toronto, or even to Darien Lake would be believed
here (these fucks really are paranoid...you have a lot of
material to play with). You could maybe play the parts of
the potential ownership team. Make up some fake rich assholes
and borrow some decent suits (you fucking slackers). It would
be grand. I don't know why you sent us this rag of yours,
but I love it. Keep it coming, and if you guys ever need any
help, any help at all, I would wipe your asses and sweep your
floors without pay for the chance to work with a bunch of
spiteful, bitter dickheads like you!
Lovingly,
Fabio Escobar, Amherst
Dear Fabio,
We're working on a Sabres prank, believe us, but the problem
is, the team itself is setting comedy standards that we're
frankly intimidated by. Thank God for the Bills, huh? Go Drew!
One thing, though. Is a provincial asshole worse than a Manhattan
asshole? We don't think so. We'll take Buffalo's assholes
any day of the week. Assholes in this town talk about hockey.
Assholes in New York talk about their book deals. It's no
contest. Buffalo has the best assholes in America!
ANAIS
NINCOMPOOP
To the Editors, I'm writing to ask if you'd be interested
in running a parody piece ("France Inaugurates First 'Museum
of Collaboration'). I could provide (bogus) photographs, etc.
along with the copy. Needless to say, I'm not asking for any
compensation: it's the internet, after all.
Sincerely,
Alma Marceau
Author of "Lofting," a novel: wit; urbanity; filth.
http://www.studioloplop.com/
Dear Alma,
We admit it; we're impressed. You actually had us going for
a while. Your resume, posted on the web, was a masterpiece
of bullshit: nobody, we thought, could be this funny. A modern-day
wannabe Anais Nin, authoress of what reviewers call "erudite
erotic literature" (one reviewer even apparently called you
the "Melville of the money shot"), who in her youth studied
at a series of improbable, nonexistent academic institutions,
each of which challenged our mental archive of pretentious
literary allusions more than the last... Seriously, high school
at the "Errico Malatesta Preparatory Academy" in Salt Lake
City, Utah? Doctoral study in "fungal systematics" at "Svevo
University, Trieste?" A Ph.D. thesis entitled ""On the Genealogy
of Morels: The Evolution and Classification of the Ascomycetes,
with Special Attention to the Genus Morchella?" Are you shitting
us? Post-graduate work at the "Institute of Fern Relations"
in Berne? Get outta here, you nut!
Then there's your actual erotic literary work, which you describe
in an interview with yourself [!] from your "compound" in
Costa Rica:
"I
think that plausibility in erotica depends on the same sorts
of things that impart plausibility to any other sort of story.
Are the characters consistent in action? (I mean, unless experiencing
a psychotic break or under duress.) Is there continuity to
their logic of ratiocination? Do their emotional reactions
jibe with their personalities? What I want from erotica isn't
a Freudian analysis of causation, but a story that unfolds
in believable ways, that's populated by human beings whose
ways of being in the world are recognizable to me."
Your book, "Lofting," appears to be on sale on amazon.com,
which means that someone is buying all of this at face value.
If your whole personality is a joke--and we're pretty sure
that, far from being a sinewy Euro sex-goddess, you're really
a frustrated fat male professor in some place like Cleveland--then
you're a genius, and we salute you.
Unfortunately, no one in Buffalo would give a shit about a
parody of a "French Collaboration museum." Even we wouldn't.
Write something about the Bills, and we'll take it. We're
in America now--why do you think we left Europe in the first
place?
However, if this is not a joke, and you're really who you
say you are, you make us sick; fuck off. As for your article,
try "the Onion." They ran out of material four years ago.
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