MEAN SWEEP
While Allentown geared up for its street festival, police held their own block party on the lower West Side
Matt Taibbi

Looking Back on the Cheney Presidency
A BEAST Editorial

BARNES BALD SPOT THREATENS CITY
SCIENTISTS EXPRESS CONCERN
Jose, Interrupted
Where in the world is Jose Padilla?

Matt Taibbi
The Official BEAST Naked Appeal for Tobacco Advertising Page!
Books that was in 'Nam
Book Reviews by
John Dolan
A BEAST BY ANY OTHER NAME
Saying Hi to ArtVoice
 
Corporate Fanmail
Page 3
 
SPORTS DESK:
Muckdogs Baseball
Wide Right
Bills Football & other dismal failures
 
 Cover Page
ARCHIVES
( Now includes classic early BEASTS!)
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Last Issue: (2)

BEAST PAGE 3 GASTROPOD

Slug Name:   Limax Maximus

Length:   2-5 inches

Turn-ons:   Grottoes, basements, Red Clover, twisting around other slugs as part of a hermaphroditic mating ritual, squeals of human revulsion

Turn-offs:   Salt, boots, robins; slugs who talk too much about their careers

How I became the BEAST page 3 gastropod:   Completely by accident. I was moving along through a crack on a sidewalk in East Buffalo when I run into this girl I know who used to date Vincent Gallo. We get to talking, and next thing I know she's telling me that Vince knows these guys who've got a new newspaper going and need a page 3 gastropod. We exchange numbers and a few phone calls later, I'm setting up a shoot in Allentown. To be honest, I never thought I'd get the job, because I heard from pretty good sources that they were also interviewing Arion lusitanicus. But hey, here I am.

Future plans:   I'd like to get into mime. It's something I developed a passion for as a child and would really love to get back to. I do a great "invisible wall" routine. But if that doesn't pan out, I'll probably just go back to doing catalogue work and eating shingle fungus.

How I want to be remembered:   As a slug that gave its all. Buffalo, I did it for you. And when it's over, I'll have no regrets. You can count on that.

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