BEAST
PAGE 3 GASTROPOD
Name:
Limax Maximus
Length:
2-5 inches
Turn-ons:
Grottoes, basements, Red Clover, twisting around other slugs
as part of a hermaphroditic mating ritual, squeals of human
revulsion
Turn-offs:
Salt, boots, robins; slugs who talk too much about their careers
How
I became the BEAST page 3 gastropod: Completely
by accident. I was moving along through a crack on a sidewalk
in East Buffalo when I run into this girl I know who used
to date Vincent Gallo. We get to talking, and next thing I
know she's telling me that Vince knows these guys who've got
a new newspaper going and need a page 3 gastropod. We exchange
numbers and a few phone calls later, I'm setting up a shoot
in Allentown. To be honest, I never thought I'd get the job,
because I heard from pretty good sources that they were also
interviewing Arion lusitanicus. But hey, here I am.
Future
plans: I'd like to get into mime. It's something
I developed a passion for as a child and would really love
to get back to. I do a great "invisible wall" routine. But
if that doesn't pan out, I'll probably just go back to doing
catalogue work and eating shingle fungus.
How
I want to be remembered: As a slug that gave
its all. Buffalo, I did it for you. And when it's over, I'll
have no regrets. You can count on that.
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