Looking Back on the Cheney Presidency
A BEAST Editorial

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A GROUPIE LASHES OUT

Dear Beast,
I was happily reading your little paper for the first time, pretty much enjoying it until I came to the Bar-Dak. Most of it is pretty accurate except for the jeers comment made about Desiderios. I was there for that cover of Billy Joel's "Pressure" and thought it was pretty good. Now, I may be biased because I know the band and know how hard they work to play in this shitty city with all it's shitty bars filled with nothing but POOP! It's just a shame you had to go and ruin a perfectly good reading experience with a shallow, idiotic comment such as that. I may have to be forced to use this issue as liner for my cat's litter box so they can defecate on it.

Sincerely,
Rachel West

Dear Rachel,
Uh-uh, no way. We'd like to go along with this defending-your-boyfriend's-honor thing, but seriously... If we start giving a thumbs up to Rage Against the Machine versions of Billy Joel, what's next? Ice Cube versions of Kenny G? Black Flag plays "Songs of the Humpback Whale?" No way. There's a line in the kitty litter, baby, and beyond it-- neither thou nor thine shitty band shalt cross. Have another doughnut and leave us alone.

Dear [sic],
Bravo on bringing a soviet intelligence trick to the American indie newspaper business. Your vicious skewing of Moses takes advantage of Artvoice's predictable strategy to ignore you in print.

Entities at war become more like their adversaries.

Adam Mauler

Dear Adam,
Trust us: if Russian intelligence ever got around to taking on the American indie newspaper business, we'd end up with some pretty strange goddamn newspapers. But we appreciate the compliment. Incidentally, Artvoice hasn't completely ignored us in print (see inside).

This is just what Buffalo needs!

Call an ace an ace and a spade a spade. I'm sure with the way things are in Buffalo you will have subject matter for the rest of your life.

Don't be lured in by that whacko phony Frank Parlotto. I'm sure he'll be knocking on your door soon.

Keep up the great work!

Former Buffalonian now down south.

P.S. Do you have any connections at HBO? I've got a great idea for an un-reality show....

Dear Former Buffalonian,
Can we call an unsolicited inquiry an unsolicited inquiry? We don't have any friends at HBO and we're not TV producers. Too many people out there ruin perfectly good letters by asking us for something at the end. Here is the proper way to end a letter to the Beast: "P.S. I own a chain of lingerie stores and would like to buy a full-page ad." You see the difference? It just leaps off the page, doesn't it?

Dear Sic,
First off, thanks for the plug. For the young and struggling literary pornographer, Beast bests Oprah every time. In token of my sincere appreciation I'd like to offer you a comped signed review copy of "Lofting."

(I'm sure you'd prefer a transfer of funds to your Bahamian account, and I'd like a Charlie Rose interview; life's a bitch.) As you no doubt suspect, my novel's larded with obnoxiously obscure literary references. On the other hand, it's also chock full of lovingly rendered scenes of debauch, each ending with a graphically portrayed facial jizz pop--and so should appeal to your refined Just-East-of-Middle-European sensibilities. And, yes, my biography is a total fabrication.

Most Sincerely,
Alma Marceau
Fat, Frustrated, and Pathologically Hirsute in Cleveland

Dear Alma,
We're not sure in what capacity, but we're pretty sure we need to have you working for us. Give us a call sometime and we'll work something out. This could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship. Incidentally, how did you know about our account in the Bahamas?

CheezWhiz Beasts, the very least you could do is turn your vile, mean-spirited, rag into a daily. I mean... really... what do you want me to do... read the Buffalo News?

Annoyed... but happily so,
R. Knight

Dear R.,
Yes. We want you to read the Buffalo News. Where the fuck is the hate mail? Get with it, Buffalo!

Hey There,
I work for a local Buffalo nonprofit, a great deal many political types are in and out of our doors. I am an avid Onion reader. I Love the Beast. Wanted to do a story on the "crucifixion" actors that have been gracing our highways and skyways, but needed an outlet. How can i get involved? Writing, reporting, or any other form of malarky i can offer, just let me know.

Fervently Yours,
Jess

Dear Jess,
You ever think about opening a chain of lingerie stores?

Dear Sirs-
Congratulations on your new sheet. Nicely done, gentleman. Yet I must admit that you are remiss in that your first issue completely ignored Buffalo's Serb Community. Not one fucking piece on Serbs in Buffalo. Not a feature. Not an editorial. Not even a bloody restaurant review.

I know from reading your other sheet, that you are not typical Shqiptar loving American Ustashe. So I am waiting here for an explanation. Patiently.

May i remind you that one of the direct descendants of Gavrilo Princip was Buffalo's first Serbian orthodoxpriest? But will you write an article about that? Probably not. No, you would be sooner to write some item about Catholic priests buggering children without mercy. Wouldn't you?

I am a busy, busy man, however if you need me to contribute the occasional contribution to your sheet, I would not refuse to consider it. I expect more from you men. Don't make the same mistakes I made.

Archduke Franz Ferdinand Jr.

Dear Archduke,
Hard not to like a letter that totally insane! We promise, we'll extensively cover the Buffalo/Serb angle in the next issue. Thanks for the heads-up, Duke!