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 Like
most decent, God-fearing people, we here at the BEAST were
horrified when we saw for the first time the gruesome warning
labels on the outside of Canadian cigarette packs. Those pictures
of open bleeding brains are a real drag, so to speak, on the
smoking experience. Not only that, but it seemed to us that
they represented a terrible offense against fact. After all,
everyone knows that smoking is not only not bad for you, but
that studies have shown it increases the average human life
span by up to 26 years. Here at the BEAST, far from banning
smoking in our office, we actually require our employees to
smoke, knowing full well that a healthy worker is a productive
worker. Our new policy resulted in a 483% reduction in sick
days in just our second month, and one of our interns, Lucas
Fox, even grew two inches in June after beginning our four-pack-a-day
regimen of Camel non-filters.
So what
were the Canadians thinking? How could they be so callously
indifferent to the health of their citizenry? We at the BEAST
decided to investigate. We called sources in Ottawa and learned
that the warning labels we now see on Canadian packs of cigarettes
are actually much milder than the ones they had planned to
force on the tobacco industry. It turns out that it was only
due to the heroic efforts of industry lawyers that the Canadian
government was forced to settle on the bloody-brains photo
as a political compromise.
We did
some string-pulling and obtained copies of Canada's original
cigarette-pack warning photos. As you can see, they make pictures
of human strokes look like Harry Potter posters:
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