 Wimble-do's
and Wimble-don't's
by James R. Miller
As
the competitive fortnight at the All-England Lawn Tennis Club
heads reluctantly into its final weekend, we would do well
to catch our breath for a second and reflect on the whirlwind
of tennis intrigue we have seen thus far.
On the
women's side of the draw, we have seen Anna Kournikova publicly
chastised by John McEnroe of all people after she lost her
cool during the press conference after her habitual first-round
exit. Beyond that we have seen groundless accusations of steroid
abuse bandied about between players (usually directed by the
losing player in the direction of the winner, it should be
noted). And, as yet another Venus-Serena major final appears
to be more and more of an inevitability, there has been the
usual press ponderings of collusion between the Williams sisters
in the event they should end up in the final together.
Meanwhile,
on the men's side, we have seen something like 97% of the
seeded players bow out by the quarterfinals, leaving tennis
fans with a decimated field and leaving British tennis fans
with the sense that they might actually bring home a winner
this year.
So, in
the interest of cooler heads prevailing, here then are a few
Wimble-do's and Wimble-don't's for both the betting and non-betting
man as the tournament goes through its final pairings.
DO
bet on Anna Kournikova retaining her status as the women's
tennis tour's reigning sexpot vixen, despite ongoing speculation
as to whether she'll ever actually win a tourney and foolish
talk about the impressive physical attributes of the batch
of up-and-coming young tennis players from former Soviet-bloc
countries. Slovak Daniela Hantuchova may have longer legs
than Anna, but her face is definitely a stumbling point and
besides, she's all but helpless against Serena as well. Even
more importantly, last I checked Anna still had Daniela beat
by a helluva lot more than a mile on the all-important internet
download scale (overpowering the Slovak upstart by a score
of something like 11,000 to 341 on Google Image Search hits
alone).
DON'T
bet on local favorite Tim Henman finally capturing a home-court
title for the long-suffering British fans just because just
about every other likely challenger has already lost under
mysterious circumstances. By my reckoning, he's still going
to have to get through the dreaded Lleyton Hewitt and a Richard
Krajicek who's playing at or very near his 1996 championship
form. Henman might get lucky and take one of those two, but
there's no way in hell he'll get them both. Suffice it to
say that Pat Cash has vowed to wear a dress on BBC television
if Henman manages to pull it off, and as a former champion,
he probably knows a thing or two about how things are likely
to turn out.
DO
bet on Venus going through her sister like a knife through
butter in the inevitable Williams-on-Williams final. The elder
sibling has lost something like 5 points in the past several
weeks after all. Serena caught a bit of break in that she
won't face Capriati in the semis, but she'll still not be
in good enough form to top her over-achieving sister.
DON'T
bet on the aging Sampras retiring just yet, notwithstanding
statements to the contrary from the likes of former champions
such as Boris Becker. Pete may in fact be finished in terms
of competitive tennis at the very top level (indeed, some
would point to his heart-breaking U.S. Open loss to Hewitt
last year as the final straw that broke the champion's back),
but a competitor of Sampras's caliber will not be willing
to hang it up for good without giving it at least one more
go.
DO,
however, bet on Monica Seles finally hanging up her tennis
dress with the thoroughly-stretched-out midriff section. She's
finished and she knows it.
But whatever
you do, DON'T come crying to
me when you lose your nest-egg after placing some foolish
bet based on the advice provided herein. Any wishy-washy nitwit
who bets serious money on professional tennis deserves everything
he gets.
Born and raised in Hamburg, James R. Miller is currently completing
post-doctoral work at London School of Economics.
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