TERRORISTS ATE MY HOMEWORK!
The BEAST Guide to Post-9/11 Political Opportunism
Matt Taibbi

Lack of Drugs Poorly TImed
A BEAST Editorial

Let's get Medieval
The BEAST Explores CEO Punishment Options
Hackworld
Sublime Tactics

Matt Taibbi
BEAST Pysics Tips, vol.2
Tom's Ticket Out!
A Gift for Tom Sartori
A BEAST BY ANY OTHER NAME
Saying Hi to ArtVoice, vol.2
Life Imitates Sarcasm, vol.2
Velma's Nekkid City
Corporate Fanmail
Separated at Birth
Page 3 Bengals Fan!
 
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CORPORATE FANMAIL


Poor Ol' Timmy

Tim Horton's

Dear Tim Horton's:
I live in Buffalo and often go to the Timmy's (as my friends and I call it) on Main Street. I used to live down south where there was no Timmy's and my Canadian friend and I use to argue over who had the best coffee, Timmy's or Dunkin' Donuts. Now I definitely feel that Timmy's is the best. The girls that work there are great but sometimes our conversations in the drive-thru speaker can be confusing like that TV show where the guy says who's on first, I don't know who's on second and so forth. I went there yesterday and asked if they have cinnimon buns and she said yes but when I got to the window the girl pointed at one of the girls behind her, who had crumbs on her face, and said "Sherry ate the last one". Sherry looked like she probably ate every one. None of them were small. Anyway, it seems like some of them are also "slow" if that's the word you're supposed to say. I was wondering if you hire them through a program with the city or just find them yourselves. Do they get paid as much as the manager? I think that's really nice. Also, I heard Tim Horton was a hockey player. Is he good?

Thank You
Slidell Montglomery
Buffalo, NY

Dear Slidell,
Thank you for your recent email regarding our Main and Capen store. We appreciate the kind words and compliments on our coffee. We strive to serve the freshest and best cup of coffee that money can buy. I am sorry to hear we let you down regarding the Cinnamon Bun, we hope to be able to complete your order on future visits. Thank you for your patronage.

As far as Tim Horton, he was unfortunately killed in a car accident back in 1972, on the way home home from a hockey game between Buffalo and Toronto.

Again we thank you for your interest and comments and I will forward them on to the owners of that particular location.

Sincerely,
Joseph Ippolito
District Manager


Kraft

Dear Kraft,
What is there to say about Cool Whip except AMAZING, AMAZING, AMAZING! Wild Horses couldn't drag me away from COOL WHIP!

Have you considered making a Malt Liquor beverage out of Cool Whip? I WOULD BUY IT!!! I even put my Cool Whip on steak!

Please count me among the many friends of COOL WHIP!

Sincerely, Matt Taibbi
Queen City Church of Christ
Buffalo, NY

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