TERRORISTS ATE MY HOMEWORK!
The BEAST Guide to Post-9/11 Political Opportunism
Matt Taibbi

Lack of Drugs Poorly TImed
A BEAST Editorial

Let's get Medieval
The BEAST Explores CEO Punishment Options
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Sublime Tactics

Matt Taibbi
BEAST Pysics Tips, vol.2
Tom's Ticket Out!
A Gift for Tom Sartori
A BEAST BY ANY OTHER NAME
Saying Hi to ArtVoice, vol.2
Life Imitates Sarcasm, vol.2
Velma's Nekkid City
Corporate Fanmail
Separated at Birth
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Last Issue: (3)

INFLAMED CARROT

Dear [sic], Ah, people! I can't take it... I only read your wonderful 2nd issue (so so sad I didn't catch the first), and its worse than my caffeine and nicotine addictions combined!! Is this what it feels like to have serious drug withdrawal? I'll never start drugs, I swear! Just get your next paper out before I die from BEAST withdrawal!!

Aaahh! *screams and rolls around on the floor, pulling at hair*
FlareCarrot

Dear Carrot,
Settle down, Beavis. And please do find yourself some drugs. And once you do, call us. We're fresh out.

 

SHOO, POLISH

Dear Matt,
When you grow up and realize how really fucking irritating it is not to be able to have a grill in your backyard because they are repeatedly stolen, or a fan in your window because they have to be locked at all times— then maybe you be able to write a more truthful and realistic article describing the actual motivation behind operation "clean sweep". To present it as some sort of government-police sponsored anti-Hispanic campaign was extremely irreponsibly trite. This was simply a respone to some of the madness permeating the neighborhood, and making it an increasingly difficult place to live. I would venture to guess that after your home was burglarized, and your spouses car was stolen, and your guests were harassed by drug dealers that you might just see things a little differently. These are very serious and basic quality of life issues that need to be addressed, because they negatively impact on "all" people. The city has a responsibility to attempt to improve the neighborhood, and probably has much more support then you would believe. As a resident of the area I would never support the type of commando action you described in your article. I would hope in the future you would save such histrionic writing for things that actually happenend. If some of the residents of the neighborhood perceive a clamp down on crime as a negative, culturally biased event, this might very well be part of the problem.

David Zawistowski
Westside
Buffalo-NY

Dear David,
Hmm... We thought "Clean Sweep" WASN'T a clampdown on crime. At least that's what the city told us. Seems to us that we were writing a "truthful and realistic" article describing the motivations behind Clean Sweep. Even according to you, we were. They said it was "community outreach." We said they were lying, and that it was really an anti-crime operation. Apparently, you agree. We just disagree over whether or not that kind of operation is right. If you think that it's okay for the cops to go door-to-door fishing for evidence, well... good luck when Poles who can't spell become their next flavor of the month.

 

JUST SEND MONEY

Mr. Fallon et al,
Sincere congratulations on and thanks for your refreshing publication! I love your style, and if you like, i would like to contribute articles to your paper.

First i need to know the conditions of contributions, i.e., what do you pay, if anything? Tonight i went to see "MacBeth" at Delaware Park, and sketched out the following draft for an article which is (it will readily be seen) in an Onionesque style, and certainly along the lines of what i have read in the Beast.

I live in Buffalo, have a B.A. in English from Buff State, yada yada yada... im drunk now, and was also drunk when i wrote the following, but would have no trouble bringing the following haphazard sketch to completion in my sobriety if you were interested. In any event, best of luck to you in the expedition of your fiendish agenda.

Sincerely,
Dennis Reed Jr.

Dear Beast Readers,
Once again: the Onion, where you want to be directing these submissions, is about 400 miles to the southeast of here. It's on Eighth avenue downtown somewhere. You can find the building pretty easily. Just look for a bunch of parked BMWs with bumper stickers that read, "Honk if you think I was funny a few years ago." If you want to contribute to the BEAST, please send us booze or money.

 

[SIC] ON THIS

Dear "[sic]", God, do you guys suck. When I first saw your paper here I thought it was a joke, put out by some local politicians, or maybe some professors, and I thought it was funny. But then, after a couple of issues, I looked into it and found out that it was true, that you guys really had a paper in Russia, and then moved here. Now, it doesn't seem funny anymore at all, just sad. Obviously you had your run at the big time and missed out, and now you're coming here and trying to convince all of us, and yourselves too, that this is a step up, the logical "next step" of a stratospheric career path. But the truth is that you're just a couple of impotent twats trying to eke out the last bit of juice from a career that, but for an insane historical accident that opened the door for you to exist in Russia for a few years, should never have gotten started to begin with. You'll probably just pick on me for being a fat pig like everyone else is in Buffalo, but I'd rather pack a few extra pounds than be a washed-up third rate carpetbagger with no ads and no readers.

Sincerely,
Tom J.

Dear Tom,
Lose some fucking weight, you fat pig! Har har har!

 

CUTE N' CHRISTIAN

Dear [sic],
Well, I finally got around to reading John Dolan's book review on Praying for America in your first issue. In general I agree with most of what Dolan has to say about the conservative Christian movement in the U.S. However, I have a real problem with the fact that he continually uses the term "Christianity" to denote this, unfortunately not that small, segment of the entire Christian population. Admittedly, Sheets's use of the term "the Church in America" is misleading. There is no homogenous Christian Church in the U.S. If this were the only source of information Dolan had ever received about Christianity in his life, I could understand his mistake. I don't think he's that badly educated, though. My favorite quote from the article is "This sort of paranoiac drama gives you a sense of why Christianity appeals to so many lonely Americans. Unlike the Catholicism I knew, this religion makes the worshippers the center of the universe." I shouldn't have to tell you this, but Catholics are Christians too. I know, it's a pretty complicated idea to grasp. My basic point is that there are plenty of intelligent open-minded Christians out there, who really hate being grouped with the morons Sheets represents. Other than that, I love your paper. I only read the Artvoice when I have nothing better to do, but for you guys I actually turned off the TV. Well, ok no I didn't, but I didn't pay as much attention to it as I usually do.

Sincerely, Sarah Knepp

Dear Sarah,
Right, but what are you wearing?

 

[SIC]-NORANT

What does [sic] mean? Its the heading of the letters to the editor section and it is sometimes used as a verb in the responses.

J. Cougar Melancamp
Lakawana, NY

Dear J. Cougar,
[sic] is Latin for "Throbbing, uncircumcised man-shaft." It is a tool (!) used by editors when they want to indicate a place in a piece of text where the writer should originally have included a throbbing, uncircumcised man-shaft. Its presence in the final, edited text demonstrates to the reader that the absence of said man-shaft is not the editor's [sic] fault. Thank you [sic] [sic] for asking.

 
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