TERRORISTS ATE MY HOMEWORK!
The BEAST Guide to Post-9/11 Political Opportunism
Matt Taibbi

Lack of Drugs Poorly TImed
A BEAST Editorial

Let's get Medieval
The BEAST Explores CEO Punishment Options
Hackworld
Sublime Tactics

Matt Taibbi
BEAST Pysics Tips, vol.2
Tom's Ticket Out!
A Gift for Tom Sartori
A BEAST BY ANY OTHER NAME
Saying Hi to ArtVoice, vol.2
Life Imitates Sarcasm, vol.2
Velma's Nekkid City
Corporate Fanmail
Separated at Birth
Page 3 Bengals Fan!
 
SPORTS DESK:
Muckdogs Baseball
The Sports Blotter
Wide Right
Bills Football & other dismal failures
 
 Cover Page
ARCHIVES
RSS FEED
 
SUBSCRIPTIONS

Last Issue: (3)

Velma's Nekkid City

OH, BROTHER, WHERE IS YOU?

Some people complain about anything. "It's too hot," or, "I'm sick of this fucking winter shit," or "His tongue is really dry and rough and makes my clit sore," blah, blah, blah. I fucking love summer. This year I found, at TJ Maxx's, my favorite halter-top in my size (right, like Velma's gonna tell you) and in five different colors. No laundry this summer. Just kidding, I wash my thongs out by hand in the kitchen sink and usually I listen to Rickey Martin when I'm doing it. I love him but no one else does. All my friends call him gay and Mexican. Mostly they just don't like guys from foreign places. I feel that that is bullshit. What do I care if a guy is from another country? I say, once you take down the flag all's that's left is the pole anyway. Geez, if my brother, Kurt, heard me say that he'd knock the piss outta me. I don't think they get this newspaper in prison anyway, so fuck him. I mean I love him, he's my brother, but that's mostly why the prick is prison now. He's in jail so much I wonder sometimes if he don't like what goes on in there. But he says it's not like the movies. He's never had to go down on a guy or bend over or anything but he said he almost had to touch a guy once but he got out of it by throwing up.

So, speaking of jail, my aunt Lucy just got out and she won't get her license back for a while. They had her on one of those ankle tethers and she had to take a Breathalyzer every four hours from home. After that, she got one of those digital combination locks on her car ignition where you can't start the car if you're drunk. But she would just fill the tank, go the bar and leave the car running. That's how she got busted again. Anyway I called her to wish her Happy Freedom and talked her into going out for a few drinks. I was going to pick her up but she said she had a ride and she'd meet me on Chippewa Street.

I don't know. I mean I only had been down there once and it was all right but some of the guys that hang out down there are really young. With them, it's like Christmas, they're all excited to open up the package but once they see all the parts they can't figure out how to put it together. But some of the bouncers are sweet. And some are Velma's size. I saw this one in front of this one club, Big Shotz (from the look of him they might could live up to their name). He was a big hunk of a brother (I think that's what they call themselves). Hey, I say the darker the meat, the firmer the bone. Anyway, he looked at me like he might have something to say about it but his boss or somebody came out to get him to go break up a fight. I thought to go in there and start swinging but I'm still on probation.

Once, the second or third time I was pregnant, I caught the clap from this guy I knew from the park. I am sure it was him. He was real cute. He wore these red sweatpants, like the ones that say "Bills" on them and he had real nice thick brown bangs in his hair. It was cut so it was almost short on top and trimmed back over his ears and then came way down his back, almost to his ass. He would wear these muscle shirts, tucked in, and he was always real cool to me cause I was so young (like 15). Everyone else at the park would tease me but he would stick up for me. Anyway, I think it was him, but my brother saw me on the towpath with this other guy form the projects over by Ontario St. and later on he beat the blood out of me. It was kind of good in a way cause I didn't have to have the baby, but anyway, ever since then I thought I'm gonna go with anybody I want, no matter where they're from.

So, I stopped by this bar where Aunt Lucy said she'd be, the Route 66, but they hadn't seen her. So I stayed for a while and talked to these guys from South Buffalo who tried to get me to go to their favorite bar "Lay-He's". I was like, "yeah, right," but it was really spelled Leahy's. I didn't go cause they were gonna get their car and pull it around but they must have gotten lost in all those one-way streets down there. So, I went over to this place, Liars, where this guy, Joe Sartiorio or some thing was playing. The guys at BEAST told me he sucked or something, but I like him. I mean he played all the songs my brother used to play in his bedroom before he started getting in trouble. So I sat there just digging the music and trying to see if there were any cute guys around but all the guys were just snickering at Satriorio or whatever his name is. I tried to catch his eye a couple times but he seemed to get nervous by it. Maybe he's queer or something too. I could change that but I heard he was moving to Oklahoma somewhere.

Man, the way he runs his hands up and down that guitar reminds me of my brother showing when he learned to jerk off.

Anyway, Velma has been getting a lot of mail. So, if you have any questions or need some advice write: nekkidcity@hotmail.com

 
© Copyright 2002-2005, The Beast. All rights reserved.