Underground Is the Answer
by James R. Miller
As
the disturbing events of the past couple weeks have shown,
the dog days of summer are a difficult time to be a professional
athlete. Whether you're Allen Iverson having to travel to
an unpleasant West Philly neighborhood in the middle of the
night to teach a lesson to the no-count cousin who dares to
molest your young wife (and this after you have been paying
to support him and his entire deadbeat family) or Al Unser,
Jr., having to resort to drunken manipulation of the gear
shift knob because your girlfriend still hasn't learned to
drive properly, there's no end to the trouble you can find
yourself in.
All this sports criminality only serves to make us wonder
why more cities have not followed the Buffalo model when it
comes to dealing with its potentially dangerous population
of pro athletes during the off-season. I'm talking, of course,
about the Buffalo Bills' mysterious underground residential
facility, which is believed to be located somewhere underneath
the village of Hamburg.
Perhaps the reason the Bills' ingenious idea has not caught
on is precisely because it is shrouded in such secrecy. Even
here in Buffalo, there are many local residents who remain
blissfully unaware that such a facility exists. Out of sight,
out of mind, I suppose.
But whether they are aware of its existence or not, every
citizen of Erie and Niagara Counties (and particularly those
who work as parking attendants at downtown nightclub) have
the underground facility to thank for the fact that they never
have to worry about getting into an altercation with a blitzed
#4 rookie wide receiver as he stumbles from the nightclub
door to his car parked nearby.
For the simple truth, which only Buffalo (and perhaps one
or two other cities across the country) has had the courage
to acknowledge, is that the professional athlete is a strange
creature who, for his own safety and that of others, must
not be allowed to mingle with the outside world. Al Unser,
Jr., is masterful when driving at 200 mph on a closed oval
track, but he should never be allowed to drive a normal car
on an actual highway (not even from the passenger seat), as
his recent run-in with the law has shown.
So it was that prior to the 1972 season (during O.J. Simpson's
heyday, it should be noted) then-coach Lou Saban approached
Bills owner Ralph Wilson with idea of constructing a massive
underground complex in which his players could live in self-sufficient
comfort away from the trouble that awaited them above ground
when they weren't on the field.
Ground was broken on the complex, which was code-named H-3
(the "H" denoting Hamburg, and the "3" denoting that it was
the 3rd of the alleged 6 sites that were identified as potential
locations for the facility), in October of that year, and
by early December it was ready for habitation.
The players were given access to some of the world's top chefs,
along with a seemingly endless supply of willing underage
girls and safe, non-addictive drugs. The wives were allowed
to visit the complex only 1 day per week, and this only after
being blindfolded and driven along a convoluted route that
may have gone through Detroit. The players were happy, and
the city's resident could live in peace. Some time in the
early 1980s a series of tunnels was constructed to take the
players to key locations such as then-Rich Stadium and the
strip clubs across the Niagara River in Fort Erie.
This is precisely the reason that, throughout the Bills' triumphant
but ultimately disappointing Super Bowl years of the late
80s and early 90s, there was never an above-ground mishap
involving a Bills player awash in disappointment after losing
the big game. Some players, notably Jim Kelly, would make
a point of appearing at local bars and getting drunk with
the locals, but for the most part the players kept to themselves.
To this very day, Buffalo has fewer athlete-related incidents
each year than almost every other NFL combined. The statistics
speak for themselves. So one must wonder once again why the
rest of the country does not get in line and follow Buffalo's
lead. How many more incidents like those of recent weeks must
we witness before the rest of the world finally wakes up?
Born and raised in Hamburg, James R. Miller is currently
completing post-doctoral work at London School of Economics.
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