[sic]
OF IT ALL
Sirs,
Tom Sartori is the most misunderstood artist in Buffalo. His
talent eludes the self-absorbed integrity snobs Buffalo gently
suckles. With heartwarming baby rock, this one man musical
molasses adheres to those whom enjoy excellent songwriting.
To remove this aural gem from our wonderful city would be
paving over a garden. Show a little class you fiendish posse
of perverted invertebrates.
Sincerely,
Fredrick Balloons
The
Beast replies:
Dear
Frederick,
You had us going for a second there, we'll admit it.
Frederick
responds:
Yeah,
I know. It was hard to write with a straight face. The absurdity
preserves its humor.
Fredrick
Dear
Frederick,
An "A' for effort. The "perverted invertebrates" was a nice
touch.
CUPID
STRIKES
Dear
[sic],
Once again my heart has melted into a sloppy goo upon viewing
one of your very own Beast employees. From the moment she
walks in the door to the moment she leaves, my heart starts
pounding to the point where I become short of breath. I start
getting light-headed and I begin to trip over my own words
like a nerdy 6th grader asking the class 'hottie' to the school
dance.
For
sake of embarassment, we'll call her M. Hedberg, nah...that's
too obvious, we'll call her Masha H.
I
just want to know what my chances are of possibly going out
on a date with her. Chances are that I would shake uncontrollably
and make a complete ass of myself if there were even the slightest
chances of a date. So let's just forget I even mentioned it.
How
about that mayor huh?
sincerely,
d.t.m
Dear
d.t.m.,
Actually,
Masha is a man. Check out her adam's apple next time she comes
in.
[sic]
IN TANDEM
[Eds.
note: The BEAST received the following pair of letters, one
after another, within a few hours in the middle of last week]
Dickheads;
To
all you scum-sucking, punker-than-the foul, ass, ever-present
stank, of pungent methane leak from your, rag you got there,
fresh from your colon, and out on to the streets, and in to
establishments of our beloved Queen City,
I
am starting up my own publication, we will do everything in
our power to be the antithesis of your ignorant sewage...
Buffalo is a well-cultured city, a great many of us went to
school here, and have spent a good deal of time in the area.
This generation of local media must have high standards. You
crossed a very sensitive line with your first issue's little
"joke" about hijackings, and murdering mass numbers of people,
you have embarrassed your self, and you have NO HONOR...
Let's
just assume that we put that issue on the back burner (-and
believe me, the stove is on high heat), but if we were to
disregard your deficiencies, your comedically challenged disabilities,
and the fact that you are illiterate, what do we have left
in that piece of shit, that you have now subjected us to,
for the last few weeks... With little 3 year old boys, that
you have over there editing your "Punker than shit," paper,
that obvioissue'ss no invested intereshijackingsommunity,
other than to mock it, while the biggest local story of our
time, the fiscal crisis in the city budget, especially in
tnbspftermath of 9-11, (remember that massacre that you like
to joke about? -You slimy, bottom feeding, parasites). You
have no credibility, you have taken advantage of this City's
businesses and insulted the vast majority of public opinion,
and picked one hell of a time to do it you fucking ass hole,
terrorist-tabloid, Shit suckers.
It
is time to be professional. I know that word seers your skin,comedicallypire
to the cross, but you must now apologize to the people of
City of Buffalo, the people who you offended in their own
home, then head back to the rock you crawled out from under...
And
now for the second letter:
Hi,
I love your newspaper. Can I marry into the Beast?
Oh
yeah, I had a reason for writing... This guy sent you an email
about how he hates you and thinks you're insensitive ( he
read one
of your earlier articles that said you didn't want to
hijack a plane and crash it in to the HSBC tower... man that
pissed him off, "after what happened on 9/11...")and what-not,
but he also said he wants to start his own publication to
run you out of town, well could you annoy him as much as possible?
I really get a kick when he gets so pissed off. It would really
mean a lot to me.
Thanks
Bekah
ps.I
know you aren't worried about his publication,but it really
will never exist. Trust me.
Dear
Bekah,
This might be the most satisfying pair of [sic] letters we've
ever gotten. Give us a call and we'll send you some free paraphernalia.
I
NEED SEX
Alright
Beast.
I
am a rather homely being that hasn't tasted the sacred nectar
tween a woman's gams in ages. Just wondering if your rating
system is based on personal experience or what your friends
have bragged about. And to whom must I compare myself, looks-wise
and "lines" or "game", if you will. Do the ratings apply to
all of us sloths? And another question, if a bar gets a 3
stars in fahkie and 3 in fracas, does that mean you have to
kick some girl's boyfriends ass to get a piece?
Signed,
Desperately seeking sex
Dear
Desperately,
For
someone like you, three stars means that if you go to the
bar every day for a year, a girl in a halter top will eventually
ask you for a cigarette. As for us, all we have to do is show
them our brand-new Dodge Viper, complete with brown leather
bucket seats and neon running lights, and they're ours. |
