Fantasy Land
In Coudersport, PA (Adelphia HQ), real life tangled with unreal ambition
Matt Taibbi

The BEAST Humor Academy Entrance Exam
Are you qualified? Find out!

Professors to Avoid
The BEAST Guide
Berkeley Bustard, Afghan Sucker
A rare, awful war memoir
John Dolan
EDITORIAL: You Pitch the Tent, I'll Start the Fire
Riot Season is Almost Over
Dead Kids are Alright

Matt Taibbi
Forgery Detection, vol.2
How to spot still more BEAST-authored letters to Artvoice
Iraq or Arachnophobia?
A side-by-side matchup
Velma's Nekkid City
Look who's coming to dinner
Page 3 Porn Store Clerk!
NFL Pre-Season Overview
Bills Diary
Muckdogs Baseball
 Cover Page

Last Issue: (5)


How to spot still more BEAST-written letters to Artvoice

They must not get a lot of letters to the editor at Artvoice. Of the six we've written so far, five have now been published [see here, here, and here]. That's a pretty decent batting average. Even master prank letter-writers like Flann O'Brien and Don Novello usually struck out about half the time. Then again, they were penetrating much thicker armor. We got two more letters in last week:

avletter1.jpgExhibit A

Of all the material featured recently in Artvoice's increasingly incoherent front section, none has been weirder than its apparent recent marriage with local raging asshole/eighth-rate Walter Winchell wannabe Dick Kern, whose psychotic and baldly libelous e-mailings have left even 1st amendment poster children like the staff of this newspaper tempted to endorse the castration and/or summary execution of obnoxious journalists. A few weeks ago, Artvoice put a smiling Kern on the cover and let him rant at length in the inside pages about James Pitts's relations with white women. Given that Kern had already blasted our newspaper in his e-missives for our practice of writing fake letters in to Artvoice, we felt fairly sure that the latter's editorial page editors would be on guard for a phony letter in praise of Dick Kern. No such luck. This one breezed through; read in sequence the first word of each sentence in the body of the letter.

avletter2.jpgExhibit B

One of the goals of this whole exercise was to change the makeup of the Artvoice letters section. We figured that after getting through enough times by writing phony blowjob letters, Artvoice might eventually become paranoid about printing ANY positive letters at all; and would, instead, eventually print nothing but negative letters. Which, of course, was great for us. Anticipating this, we decided to start sending nasty letters in the belief that they would probably now sail on through unedited. This first one, in which we posed as a black woman blasting cycling enthusiast/liberal columnist Michael Niman for being a racist, did.

To see the hidden message in this one, you just had to delete a few words here and there. The message reads, "This letter was written by a much funnier newspaper across town."

© Copyright 2002-2005, The Beast. All rights reserved.