Fantasy Land
In Coudersport, PA (Adelphia HQ), real life tangled with unreal ambition
Matt Taibbi

The BEAST Humor Academy Entrance Exam
Are you qualified? Find out!

Professors to Avoid
The BEAST Guide
Berkeley Bustard, Afghan Sucker
A rare, awful war memoir
John Dolan
EDITORIAL: You Pitch the Tent, I'll Start the Fire
Riot Season is Almost Over
Dead Kids are Alright

Matt Taibbi
Forgery Detection, vol.2
How to spot still more BEAST-authored letters to Artvoice
Iraq or Arachnophobia?
A side-by-side matchup
Velma's Nekkid City
Look who's coming to dinner
Page 3 Porn Store Clerk!
NFL Pre-Season Overview
Bills Diary
Muckdogs Baseball
 Cover Page

Last Issue: (5)


headiegrad.jpgAre you qualified to study at the BEAST Humor Academy (BHA), universally recognized as the most prestigious institution of higher comedic learning in Western New York and Southern Ontario? We're awarding two scholarships this fall--insiders in our industry call them INTERNSHIPS or HUMILIATING UNPAID POSITIONS--and, being faithful believers in our hallowed American meritocracy, we are awarding them solely on the basis of an open entrance exam. In order to secure the privilege of being that special person we send out to buy smokes on production night, or stalk Artvoice employees by day, you need only prove to us that you have the appropriate comic potential. We've designed this test to help us determine who of you out there has the mettle for hardcore humor work. Take out your #2 pencils, answer the following questions, and send your completed test form to our offices; testing time is 50 minutes.

Mark the appropriate answer. 10 minutes.

1. Which of the following is not funny?

  • AIDS
  • A child in a shark's mouth
  • Schopenauer's The World as Will and Idea
  • A vagina
  • None of the above

2. Which of the following historical incidents is most likely to be referenced in a bad Dennis Miller monologue?

  • The execution of Sir Thomas More
  • The mystery of the Mary Celeste
  • The meeting of Hemingway and Fitzgerald in the restroom of a Parisian cafe
  • The fall of Carthage

3. Which is the better punch line?

  • "An abortion? But I only needed my teeth cleaned!"
  • "Two: one to screw it in, the other to fix the bicycle."
  • "At least the dolphin can swim."
  • [Making slanty-eyed face] "Plactice, plactice, plactice."

4. Rank the following in order of funniness, from least to most:

  • France
  • Germany
  • Sweden
  • Spain
  • Canada

5. Which of the following images do you think would be most likely to make Pope John Paul II laugh?

  • A gravestone with his own name and today's date on it
  • Christ on the cross wearing a Nike headband
  • A sign on the inside of a confessional door that reads, "All employees must wash their hands before leaving."
  • An ass
  • A sign that reads, "Save up to 20% on all long distance calls."
  • None of the above

6. Rank the following in order of funniness, from least to most:

  • Pancreatic cancer
  • The London Symphony Orchestra
  • The discovery of the Coelocanth
  • Wesley Snipes
  • Attorney-client privilege

7. What would you like to do to Jay Leno?

  • Tear his balls off with a fork
  • Coat him with barbecue sauce and throw him in a pit of wolverines
  • Cancel his deal and force him to introduce John Leguiziamo as the new host of the Tonight Show
  • Push him out of a helicopter over the Andes
  • All of the above

8. Rank the following in order of funniness, from least to most:

  • 10 orangutans
  • 2 chimpanzees dressed, respectively, in a tuxedo and wedding gown
  • A chimpanzee with a hard-on
  • A spider monkey with a hard-on
  • A gorilla wearing a Richard Nixon mask

9. In each pair, choose the funnier entry:

  • John Ashcroft      Margaret Thatcher
  • Agriculture      Hockey
  • Castro      Castration
  • Death      Cheese
  • The 1986 Red Sox      The Triple Alliance
  • Women      Apes

10. Buffalo Mayor Anthony Masiello most resembles:

  • Latino character actor Edward James Olmos
  • Someone who has spent too long on a tanning bed
  • The head of Alfredo Garcia
  • A head of cauliflower
  • Some guy at your high school reunion

Part II >>

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