TO AVOID: THE BEAST GUIDE
home of the over-packed lecture hall, the absentee professor
and overworked TAs the University at Buffalo has been slowly
disposing of its nutty professors, in trade for Division I
athletics and strip-mall housing. Despite this fact, UB's
Academic Eccentrics still exist in all their "intellectual"
glory. Below is a list of some of the school's most talked
about chalk fondlers.
told us everyday that free will did not exist and that everything
was pre-determined by our genes." said one student. "His TA
thought he was God, but pretty much everyone else hated him...
One time this born-again Christain kid freaked out on him,
turned beet red and started screaming that he had free will.
Alvard just looked at him like 'Your genes are fucked.'"
Bertholf, Comp Lit
80-year-old paranoid, military nut," who never turns his back
to the class. "He thinks German infantry units are waiting
just beyond the exit door or something." said one student.
While too forgetful to have full-blown flashbacks, he has
been known to curse ad nauseum while striking a large map
with a wooden pointer. "It's like being taught social studies
by Colonel Klink."
addition to having an unnatural fetish for William Faulkner,
Alan Speigel wears sunglasses in the classroom. He also acts
like he can't hear when his students ask him questions. Is
Professor Speigel too cool for school, or does he simply have
cataracts and damaged ear drums? You decide.
academic hard-ass, who has a full-blown aneurysm if you're
late. His legion of Elizabethan/Jacobian Lit. Groupies openly
kiss his ass and fill class time with inane theories on topics
such as Marlowe's eating habits and what an author meant by
NOT writing about something. Be prepared to over-analyze every
last word, and to eventually accept how wrong you are.
having taught cinema for over three years, Stefan Fleisher
can not operate a DVD player. "I don't know what his problem
is, but ever day there's about 5-10 minutes of him yelling
at the thing." says one student "It's not like we change classrooms
or equipment. Maybe he has some sort of magnetic field that
screws with the electronics or something. But judging by his
clothing (two button-down shirts under a fisherman's vest),
I'd say the problem is mental."
Henderson, Media Studies
say he's brilliant. Others think he'd have a tough time teaching
a monkey to throw feces. But if your idea of a good time is
waking up at 8 a.m. to watch Battleship Potemkin, and listen
to a guy uh talk about it uh like uh this, then Film History
with Henderson is for you.
accomplished poet and "complete fucking asshole," Charles
Bernstein has been described "as a genius with great ideas
and no room for yours." Other observations on the man range
from Mick Jagger comparisons, to describing him as a lich
(an undead demon-king, who gets magical powers from his tomb),
both of which aren't really all that different. One student
adds, "Free thought is sacrificed in his class, but you are
challenged to find comfort in madness. I've nicknamed him
State itself has a fair share of crazies--it's next door to
the Richardson Complex, for chrissake! But keep in mind that
we here at the Beast don't hold any grudges against either
college staff--all professors are hand-picked by the students
themselves (and a small sampling of them, at that; the football
team couldn't remember any of their professors' names). That
said, if you are registered for any of these professor's classes,
drop them... and drop them soon.
of those teachers whose all-too-high respect for students
should disqualify his teaching of all but the youngest age
groups--this guy would be a perfect elementary school teacher.
His main passion seems to be the class discussion, which he
will try in vain to initiate. You will find yourself sitting
in silence for lengths of five to ten minutes, as he stares
at each and every one of you, waiting for that perfect, insightful
comment that he just knows is floating around your head. It's
not. One student said he shrugs his shoulders constantly as
if to say, "Come on guys, help me out."
you prefer inane and pointless conversation to that overrated
"learning" fad, then Glenice Guthrie's the prof for you. Not
only does she switch the topic of discussion faster than a
coked-up manic-depressive, but she will preface every tangent
by saying, "FYI, guys," only to go off about, "her cats and
gas prices," as one student put it. She also sucks, calf-like,
on the water bottle she keeps eternally by her side.
asshole assigns ten-page, single-spaced papers, only to ignore
them after you slave away in your room instead of going to
that kicking frat party. He will also try to scare you off
in the first weeks of classes, apparently to "make sure he
has less work," but given his inclination to assign crippling
papers, this may be a good thing. One student said, "he talks
like a voodoo witch doctor."
this guy like the plague. He was accused, not too long ago,
of (a) charging his students for the wood used to build their
class projects and then (b) selling those projects for his
own profit. Apparently he also gave poor grades to those same
students, despite the fact that he was making money off of
their work. When one student approached him about these allegations,
he was quoted by the campus newspaper "The Record" as responding,"Go