SIR, HAVE YOU SEEN MY 'DOGS?
By Slidell Montgomery
 In
1969 a black nineteen-year-old pitcher from Los Angeles reported
to the Pittsburgh Pirates' single-A affiliate in Batavia for
duty. He had had a couple of problems in rookie training camp
in Florida with some of the good old boys that were still
taking their cues from Ty Cobb and Cap Anson. Their casting
of anachronistic epithets toward Ellis landed him in a few
fistfights before he got out of there. After arriving in Batavia
he was starting in his first professional game against Geneva,
when some clown in the stands shouted something about "Stepin
Fetchit." Ellis went after him with a leaded baseball bat.
Batavia's manager and couple players had to go into the grandstand
and get Ellis off the redneck.
Ellis
went on to enjoy an exemplary big league career, most of in
Pittsburgh. Pitching for the National League in the 1971 All-Star
game in Detroit , he served a fatty to future Hall-of-Famer
Reggie Jackson and Jackson hit the ball into the stratospherically
high right field lighting rig for what has became a legendary
home run.
That
humiliation Ellis suffered in Detroit was evidently still
smarting five 
years later when he was pitching for the Yankees in
a game against Jackson's new team, the Orioles. Jackson shouted
a challenge at Ellis from the dugout over a play they hadn't
even involved Jackson. When Jackson came to the plate later
Yankees' catcher Thurman Munson came out to the mound to make
sure Ellis hadn't missed Jackson's slight. Ellis told Munson
to get his fat butt behind the plate, not to bother with any
signals and to him watch him work. Then Ellis threw a pitch
at Jackson's face that put Jackson on the disabled list for
28 games. Ellis claims there were three $100 bills taped to
his locker after the game.
Pitching
for Pittsburgh against Cincinnati one game, Dock Ellis, in
what is likely still the record, purposely hit the first three
Reds' batters just because he wasn't happy with the passive
attitude of his own teammates.
 Makes
the Piazza/Clemens rivalry sound like Bobby and Peter Brady
fighting over the last Popsicle.
Surely Ellis' most impressive feat occurred in San Diego,
June 12, 1970. Ellis had been in his hometown of Los Angeles
during a Pirates' West Coast road trip. He had lost track
of day somewhere and woke up in Los Angeles the morning of
the first game of a series in San Diego. It was Friday, the
day of his next scheduled start. Ellis, thinking it was Thursday,
took at hit of acid. Somewhere in route to San Diego Ellis
came to the realization that he was working that day. He went
on to throw an eight-walk no-hitter against the Padres. Something
he didn't admit to having accomplished while on LSD until
years later.
What
this has to do with today's Muckdogs is clear. They offer
a grand opportunity for us see future big league greatness
before the players are tainted with the stain of greed and
extortion at the expense of the loyal fans.
I
asked Muckdogs' starting pitcher Lee Gwaltney if he thought
he could throw a no-hitter under the influence of a powerful
hallucinogen, "I don't know. I've never taken acid," he announced.
Then he turned and ran to the team's clubhouse.
Muckdogs'
PA announcer Wayne Fuller, who used to do radio play-by-play
for Buffalo's indoor soccer Stallions, remembers the Ellis
era in Batavia, "That was before the drug days," said Fuller.
Then he switches on his mike and smoothly reads an ad for
a Batavia tavern, T.F. Brown's: "For Fun, Fantastic, Food,
it's T.F. Brown's. You can also see the girl give head to
a bottle." Only he had switched his mic off for the last part
of that. Then he described, off-mic, a recent, fairly innocent
impromptu performance by a young lady at said tavern. I asked
him if he ever fucked up and left his mic on for one of his
sidebars. He laughed as if to say "yes" but said, "No".
Fuller
also used to work for Trailways Bus lines and affirmed the
authenticity of Tom Sartori's Greyhound ticket to Indiana.
"Did you guys really pay fifty bucks for that?" I admitted
that we had and he squinted and said, "That's nonrefundable."
The
Dwyer Stadium press box usually accommodates about six people,
working the scoreboard, the sound system, covering the game
for the local paper. They have more fun than most of the paying
customers. While watching a 12" TV they come up with alternate
applications for T.F. Brown's FFF theme, like Fabulous Fake
Felatio. The sound guy, Paul Bisig, plays classic George Carlin
routines over the PA when there is an unusually long delay
in the game. When the other team changes pitchers mid-inning
he'll put on Aerosmith's "Dude Looks Like a Lady".
When
the Pope was in Toronto recently, Fuller was watching a TV
news clip on the visit and said, "You know that movie "Weekend
at Bernie's"? That's what the Pope is like now."
Despite
the party vibe in the press box the 'Dogs of the field can't
get their groove back of late. They seem tethered to .500
territory. They'll take off on a four game win streak here
or there but the bottom line is that they've lost 12 of their
last 17.
Carlos
Cabrera (7-1, 2.64 ERA) and Erick Arteaga (3-1 2.57ERA) continue
to flourish on the mound. The offense has been here today
and gone tomorrow for several weeks with notable consistency
coming only from catcher and utility fielder Mark McRoberts,
who leads the team in batting with a .313 average and HRs
with 4.
The
'Dogs are now three games below even and ten games behind
the league and division leading Auburn Doubledays.
Upcoming
Home games:
August:
16- Jamestown (Florida Marlins' Affiliate)
18-20 New Jersey (Cardinals' Affiliate)
25,26- Mahoning Valley, OH (Indians' Affiliate)
28 Jamestown
30- Lowell, MA (Red Sox' Affiliate)
Mon-Sat
game time is 7:05 PM; Sunday's games are at 4:05 PM.
www.muckdogs.com
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