THE BEAST'S NFL PRESEASON OVERVIEW
While the mainstream sporting press focuses
on such trifles as the quarterback controversies in Washington,
Tampa Bay, and San Diego, the BEAST has had its deformed eye
on the more important fan issues still developing this preseason.
Here's an overview of some of the trends worth watching as
we head toward the regular season:
NAMES
 The
rookie crops of the last four or five years have sharply changed
the NFL name dynamic. The "Terrell/Terrelle" skill-position
player craze appears to be
petering out, while a whole host of new name trends
has been taking hold. Of these, none seems more explosive
than the new emphasis on the unnecessary first-name apostrophe.
Five years ago, there wasn't a single player in the NFL with
a silent, auxiliary apostrophe at the end of his first name.
Now, there are nearly a dozen, including cornerbacks Andre'
Goodman (Lions) and Dre' Bly (Rams), tight end Daunte' Finger
(Rams), wide receivers Andre' Davis (Browns) and Donte' Stallworth
(Saints), linebacker Andra' Davis (Browns; not to be confused
with teammate Andre') and guard Tre' Johnson (Browns), among
others.
In Stallworth and Andre' Davis, both of whom
have been clocked in the 40 at under 4.3 seconds, the NFL
now probably boasts the world's two fastest silent/meaningless
apostrophes. There must have been some good weed being passed
around in the football breeding grounds about 20 years ago.
Keep an eye on this trend, it's booming...
Another name trend that went from pervasive
to completely out of control between last season and this
one is the AttenTion-GrabBing capital letter in the middle
of the first name. While veterans like LaRoi Glover, LaVar
Arrington and Je'Rod Cherry have given NFL fans an opportunity
to warm up to the secondary capital letter on a gradual basis,
the uninitiated this year might find himself overwhelmed because
of newcomers like LeCharles Bentley (Saints), DeShaun Foster
(Panthers) DeVeren Johnson (Cowboys), and over a dozen more.
In the pantheon of secondary capital-letter
NFL names, Buffalo's own second-year linebacker DaShon Polk
might be one of the tamer entries; on the other hand, the
amazingly named DeMarkis Faggins (Texans) looks like an early
favorite to win the fourth annual Earthwind Moreland/Kabeer
Gbaja-Biamila NFL Name of the Year Award. If he makes the
team, that is. Stay tuned for the FiNal TalLy...
Last but not least, it's time for the yearly
update on the spiraling Antoine situation. Three years ago,
there were only two or three different spellings of the name
"Antoine" on NFL rosters. This year, there are a total of
seven. Some examples: Antuan Edwards (Packers), Antwaan Randle-El
(Steelers), Buffalo's own traditionally-spelled Antoine Winfield,
Twan Russell (Dolphins), and New England Patriots Antowain
Smith, Antwoine Womack, and Antwan Harris. You need 22 to
field a full game; at this rate, the NFL will make it by about
2005. Keep an eye on the free agent wire this summer to see
if the number gets up to eight or nine before the first kickoff.
CLICHES
All the major NFL cliches have had excellent
off-seasons. Just a few games into the exhibition schedule,
we've already had a player sidelined with "Flu-like symptoms"
(linebacker Peter Sirmon, Titans), had "thoughts and prayers
go out to him and his family" (numerous coaches and players
around the league following the spinal injury to Houston's
Leomont Evans), and seen a strong resurgence in the "and things
of that nature" interview sound byte.
 In
the latter case, the arrival in Washington of Steve Spurrier--who
was a notorious "things of that nature" sound-byte baron while
at Florida--has triggered a boom in cliche-mongering among
new coaches. Here's Spurrier on Shane
Matthews, in what appears to be his inaugural NFL cliche:
"He's not been real diligent in the weight room and things
of that nature."
Here's another new coach, Tampa Bay's Jon
Gruden: "We've been on the field working our foot work, the
terminology and things of that nature."
San Diego's Marty Schottenheimer: "You can't
walk in and effectively change 40 percent of the personnel
group and add new coaches and things of that nature and expect
that after four preseason games, you are going to step in
line and start off where you think you can be."
This being the preseason, other coaches are
opting for the more traditional exhibition game cliches. To
date, only one, however, has opted for the "bullets flying"
phrase, use of which traditionally surges in weeks three and
four of the exhibition season, as the real season approaches.
"I like what I've seen from our new corners," Carolina coach
John Fox said, "but until we get out there and the bullets
start flying in game conditions and the preseason and training
camp, the jury's still out."
Oddly enough, not a single "dreaded high ankle
sprain" has appeared in the news yet. Bills left tackle Jonas
Jennings went down shortly before press time with a high-ankle
sprain, but team officials have declined so far to say whether
or not it is dreaded. More updates in the following issue
on cliche usage this year...
HAIR
Never before has such utter hair chaos ruled
the NFL. In a year in which the sporting world's most famous
haircut repulsively belongs to a soccer player (Brazil's Ronaldo
donned a much-imitated "unicorn shave" for the World Cup),
and in which, following Warren Sapp's amazing decision to
shave his cornrows, the most recognizable NFL haircut belongs
to draft prognosticator Mel Kiper, Jr., an utter vacuum of
personal grooming inspiration now reigns on the gridiron.
What's next in hair, following last year's
explosive ascension of rows and braids (coupled with black
see-through hair-nets)? There's scarcely the faintest glimmer
of a hint this exhibition season. One of last year's most
outstanding hair choices, the braided ponytail of Cincinnati's
elaborately-named seventh-round draft pick T.J. Houshmandzadeh,
appeared in the preseason opener to be longer than ever.
 Perhaps
not coincidentally, Houshmandzadeh looks like's he's making
a serious run at a starting job over Peter Warrick and Michael
Westbrook... And while Sapp has shaved his braids, the other
major braid-wearers all seem determined to hold on to the
look for at least one more year: Plaxico Burress, Troy Brown,
Willie McGinest. Green Bay Packers corner Mike McKenzie even
explicitly stated his intention to keep his braids for the
immediate future.
"I had the braids back in college," McKenzie
said last month. "The braids were pretty good to me. I did
the Afro, the braids and the low fade. I kind of naturally
grew into the new look. Chances are they're going to be with
me for a little while."
Meanwhile, white quarterback hairdos, after
the brief scare brought on by the Jon Kitna phenomenon a few
years back, appear to have settled back comfortably into anchorman
mode.
Only Lions newcomer Joey Harrington offered
a whiff of intrigue when he answered a question about his
preference between Star Wars princesses Leia and Padme Amidala.
"Princess Leia," answered the former Ducks star during camp.
"You've got to love the cinnamon-roll hairstyle."
Could an experiment be in the works? And will
Riddell design the helmet to fit the buns? We'll see as we
watch the rest of this preseason.
|
