CASH
GIVEAWAY EXTRAVAGANZA
Fellow Sufferers:
As are you, I am new to the Buffalo area and was somewhat
relieved when I read your piece about your hardships in the
area of scoring. On two occasions I have ventured out into
the Buffalo "street life" to get some weed. Both times, I
have been ripped off of forty dollars. My strategy was to
ask one of the many individuals on Elmwood Ave. if they knew
where I could get some weed. I have put trust into people
that have no home, nor no source of income other than panhandling
and recycling cans and bottles. After tonight's failed attempt;
which can also be described as the second $40 I have been
ripped of, or also can be described as a piece of evidence
that those who recycle are thieving bastards; my only advice
to you in your quest of copping some of natures little treats,
don't use bums as your middle men. Thinking about it, if a
quarter is a huge score for a bum, think about how extraordinary
forty dollars is. If you have better luck than I, please let
me know. I am need of some weed very bad.
Bryan Berry
Dear Bryan,
You have put us in very awkward position. While we know we
shouldn't judge or disdain our readers, you have publicly
confessed to handing $80 cash over to total strangers and
probably drug addicts, expecting to receive, in exchange,
drugs of all things.
Please never refer to or even imagine us as
somehow "fellow" to you. Please tell no one that you read
The Beast. And above all, next time you're about to give away
forty bones, think about putting it towards gas money back
to Canada or wherever the fuck you're from.
DIVE
IN
Mr. & Mrs. Beast,
Every time I go someplace that is supposed to be happening
there was that ball of snot Tom S. Who the hell is this guy?
You know one thing that is missing [from The Beast] is a DJ
review of the bars you are showing. I know just from being
in a place for 10 minutes that the DJ is bad, bad, bad. I
want some of the local bar owners to know how bad the DJ's
are and maybe you will get some more quality people in the
bar, before you're listed under the dive category of this
rag.
RM
Buffalo Bikers
Dear RM,
Boy, are you missing the point. The "Dive" category is the
most coveted rating placement an establishment can attain.
The selection process for being listed under that heading
is grueling and few bars cut the mustard. Sadly, after weeding
out the candidates through our very thorough scrutinization
system, even fewer can afford our exorbitant fee for being
designated a "Dive".
As
to your problem with hack DJs, we have a little technique
that we employ in just that emergency. Before you leave the
house for a night out, get a lilty, little ditty stuck in
your head, like the theme from The Andy Griffith Show or the
early '70's instrumental smash "Popcorn". You will find refuge
in these comforting tunes as they waft through the immense
and vacant recesses of your blank mind.
HUSSEIN
IN THE MEMBRANE
The last World war against
Japan, Germany, and Italy, would have gone a lot differently
if we would have waited just few months longer. If not for
the cowardly attack by the Japanese on Pearl Harbor Dec. 7th,
1941 we wouldn't have jumped into the war until it was too
late for all of Europe and Asia, and maybe even the world.
Nazi Germany, and Japan were both working on their own atomic
bomb. The Nazi's has jet planes, and ballistic missiles already.
With the bomb they would have won the war, and the whole world.
That's the reason we must strike Saddam Hussein. We're not
out to destroy Iraq, and its people. We want to get rid of
Hussein. Who is a fanatical nut who is bent on getting weapons
of mass destruction. Once Saddam does, he will use them against
us and Israel. He wants to control the whole Middle East and
all of the oil reserves. For the ignorant, that would mean
total chaos here, and around the world. Just stop and think
about the consequences of it. We just wouldn't be paying more
for gas. We'd be paying more for everything. Plus he would
hold the whole area hostage with his weapons. Can you imagine
Saddam Hussein with nuclear, chemical, and biological weapons
that could reach thousand of miles once he gets ballistic
missiles. Saddam wouldn't even need that. Saddam would find
another way to deliver the weapons. Saddam might just give
them to a terrorists group, and let them do his dirty work.
If you want to see New York, Los Angeles, or your city ravaged
by one of these weapons, just sit back and close your eyes.
Soon you will be dead and so will be your whole family, along
with all of us. I don't think that anyone with any intelligence
would wait for that to happen.
zklws
Dear Zklws,
We were just about asleep, but then you got to the part about
some kind of doomsday bomb or something hitting New York and
LA. Tell us again about the ratio of 6 or 7 women--selected
for their sexually stimulating natures--to every man. And
how we would need to re-populate an entire species...Hey,
isn't this the part where you stand up and scream, "MEIN FUeHRER,
I CAN VALK!!"
BAREFOOTIN'
Gents,
You kick so much ass, your foot stinks.
Sincerely,
I.M. Jealous [Brett Gillespie]
Dear Brett,
We
feel certain, once you consider your old lady's foot fetish,
you will realize full well that the stink on our foot is most
decidedly not "ass".
[sic]
TO OUR TUMMIES
The following is an excerpt of a quite
lengthy piece we received from a one Katherine Willbern. It
is apparently titled "Nowhere Fast" and written by someone
named Frank V. Coppola:
i'm puking and the regurgitated
matter is bouncing off the ground and running wildly about.
a riot of little elves were having a convention in my stomach
and following the formal proceedings got drunk, went nuts
and stampeded toward the nearest exit. up and out of my mouth
like lemmings in a suicide leap. but the fall didn't kill
them it only made them very angry. some were attacking my
shoes and ankles. others were clinging desperately to the
hairs of my beard. all were shouting violently at me- vital
pieces of information that i am still gathering evidence to
decipher. so i am looking to enroll in a class that teaches
Truth as a second language.
Wesley
Snipes responds:
Dear
Katherine,
Lucky you came to us with this when you did. We've seen this
kind of thing before. An only child with scatological issues
goes away to college. He becomes disgusted with the formality
of it all. He drops all classes where there will be any references
to living people. He becomes withdrawn and despondent. He
can't put a decent look together for making the coffeehouse
rounds so he isn't even able to find a low self-esteem, ratty-haired,
baggy-clothed, Goth-feminist to be his girlfriend. He retreats
to his room thinking, "I'll show them". Rather than drop out
of school, the very institution he loathes with every fiber
of his soul, he sucks it up, swallows the bitter pill of compromise
and endeavors to use the institution as a tool against their
establishment. He becomes so adept at this that four years
is not enough. He needs to delve deeper into the workings
and trappings of their diabolical machinery. Two more years
of study prove to not be enough. To really get to the source
of the problem, to get near enough to the heart of the matter
he needs a few more years and then when he's finally close
enough to smell the heaving innards, the lungs, the fetid
fluids of the heart of this monstrous menace he can stab it
right in its life source and bring the whole evil, bestial
monolith crumbling down. But now much time has passed. His
years of dogged study have made him a top figure in his field.
He has, like Winston Smith, learned to embrace the rasping
reptile that he so deeply feared and despised. He is a professor
now, a tentacle of the beast. And he is trying to seduce you
Katherine, you his protege apparent, with swirling prose that
takes no direction or references anything tangible or relevant.
He hopes to deceive you with his zany chicanery. Turn from
him and his doctrine of deviance. Put down his writings and
go get a Chester Himes novel or something.
Oh
and could you put Frank in touch with that guy Bryan. There's
like forty bucks in it for him.
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