A Look Back Through the Ages by The BEAST's former Editors.

100 BEASTs of Gratitude
A brief note from the asshole in charge.
Al Uthman

Father Knows BEAST
A few unkind words from our founder.
Matt Taibbi

Outrage 101
A BEASTly education.
Paul Salamone

Me & My Buddy The BEAST
Chris Riordan

Viva El BEAST!
Recollections of an undocumented BEAST Staffer.

The Truth About our Intentions
The very 1st BEAST Editorial.

The BEAST Government Kids Page Review
Ian Murphy

Murtha's My Lai
Stan Goff

Call me Old Fasioned, but I Think the President Should be Killed
A BEAST Reader Opinion
by Gengis Khan

The BEAST Page 3 Deposed Nepalese Despot

Kino Korner
Da Vici Code, Poseidon, Just My Luck, See No Evil.

BEAST-O-Scopes
Your cosmic fortune...
in insult form.

[sic] - Letters
Judge Punch, toilet reading, and Moses in denial.

Still Scum, Still Sucking
Our local Rep, Tom Reynolds.
Paul Fallon

A Prank of Two Cities
The incredible true story of how we propositioned the mayor’s wife and rigged the NHL playoffs.
Paul Jones

Top 10 Signs of the Impending Police State
Hey America, freedom's just around the corner... behind you
Allan Uthman

A Preview of this Issue
...By Sabres play-by-play man Rick Jeanneret!

I Know More Words Than You
An editorial of verbose contrivance.
Paul Jones

 
 

Call me old fashioned, but I think the President should be killed

By Genghis Khan

It wasn’t so rong ago in this crue, crue worrd when a reader with approvah ratings as row as a president Bush’s would be punished wiff phrysical pain, death an the use of a dismembered body part as a sporting eqruipment. I say Bush’s reg rill be good fo raquet baw! Wha, ha, ha, ha! Stop raughing at Khan, or you pay wif your rife!

Khan know what you are thinking: “Sounds great, but what about Cheney, Hastert – the rine of succession?” Dis one is a simper, dear reader: Krill dem awl! Krill dem awl! Wha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha! But seriousry, why not? You nevah hear off a Hedonistic Calcurous or even Metarrica, stupid round-eye?!

Oh, what you want to do, march like riberal sissy?! Sissy march rill never cut throat of administration rike something that is made fo cutting, rike a knife, or sharpened rock. Sissy march nevah rape Raura Bush! Oh wait, she a probabry post-menopausal – Krill huh! Krill huh! Krill huh! Huh a shrivered, barren womb is a ruseress! I have seen your miserable marches, and Khan have to say “Raging Grannies” creary not raging, only replacing words of “Yankee Doodle” wif a ones of moderate defiance. It is enough to disgust any pure bred mongoloid rike a myserf! What, why does a everyone raugh when I say that? Stop raughing at Khan!

You occidentals pray so coy, so squeamish. I have a been wratching the decrine of a yo civirization on a cable, and a civirization that eats a sheep anus on prime time can’t a be that far off from sticking its ineffective reader’s head on pike! Onry thing any ambitrious war-rord would need is an army of 5000 men, carried swiftry on horseback. But make a sure they don’t have a spindery regs rike a Barbaro.

Creary America, now is the time for a brutah sraughter of a yo readers. With the media hamming up bribe scandal of democratic congressman Jefferson of Rouisiana, this no time to ret the ‘06 erections fall into Repubrican hands. The onry time erection should fall into Repubrican hands is when a Dick Cheney take a Viagra at hooker hunting party! Ehh-yo! Yes, you ale a collect sir! What, you nevah watch a Johnny Cahson?! Not a even remember a Phir Hartman doing Ed McMahon? You useress dog! Khan wasting so much gold on you!

 

BEAST Blog

Idiot Box by Matt Bors
Big Fat Whale by Brian McFadden
Perry Bible Fellowship by Nicholas Gurewitch
Bob the Angry Flower by Stephen Notely
Deep Fried by Jason Yungbluth

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John Stossel's Invisible Handjob
Leaking Integrity: WaPo lies
I'm with Stupid: Tony Snow
10 Questions for Scott McClellan
Ask Dr. Cruise
Guide to Post-9/11 Opportunism
Ask a Horrible Human-Monkey Hybrid
GWB's Rapture Report
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