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Me & My Buddy The BEAST
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Viva El BEAST!
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The Truth About our Intentions
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The BEAST Government Kids Page Review
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Murtha's My Lai
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I Know More Words Than You
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The BEAST Government Kid’s Page Review!
By Ian Murphy

In the course of our research, we at the BEAST often visit various federal agency websites, mostly for referencing instances of propaganda and misinformation. When we do, a rainbow-colored, oversized font reading “FOR KIDS” invariably distracts us from the rest of the otherwise drab home page, and leads us down a twisted path of Orwellian surrealism, colorful games and wasted hours.

It seems every federal agency’s website contains one of these kids’ sections, for unexplained reasons. Rather than gain nothing from our apparent ADHD, we have decided to share and critique some our most interesting finds. Pages and/or characters contained therein will be judged on a scale of 1 to 5 Goebbels, for their efficacy in “educating” our nation’s youth.


Disaster Action Kid

fema.gov/kids

The FEMA for kiddie’s page is a lot like the actual agency: slow loading and basically no help at all. Seemingly link after link taps into every child’s sense of fear by placing the responsibilities of disaster preparedness squarely on their little shoulders. The site’s most brilliant character, both aesthetically and in his surely subconscious delivery of brutal honesty, is Disaster Action Kid. Ostensibly, this young maverick is impeccably prepared and has a sort-of sheriff’s badge to prove it. He should be undeterred in the face of any catastrophic contingency, but just look at him: he is totally freaking out! Instead of exuding the calm one might expect of someone with his superb knowledge of “disaster action,” DAK conjures comparison with one of the most recognizable images of existential crisis and despair: Edvard Munch’s “The Scream.” The high cheekbones, wild eyes and gapping maw are nearly indistinguishable from Munch’s stranded man on the bridge. Even worse, DAK appears to have the face of a skull, with just a hole in the middle of his face where his nose should be! Yes, the artists responsible for this traumatized, skull-faced, child-frightening character have truly done “a heck of a job.” FEMA’s message to the kids is clear: get your own self off that roof, we probably won’t be there.

RUS – The Surfin’ Squirrel

usda.gov/rus/educate/ruskids

Without question: the Department of Agriculture’s kid’s site provides our children with some of the lamest educational characters in recorded history, including Pie Chart Pam and Stanley Stat. RUS, an acronym for the Rural Utilities Service, is a balls-to-the-wall extreme action squirrel with a fondness for the internet and safety. Maybe it’s the fact the Surfin’ Squirrel’s board is upside down, or maybe it’s just hard to get excited about farm subsidies and power lines, but our inherent juvenile disposition was nary aroused by the USDA kid’s site. A total failure, both in value of entertainment and propaganda potential.

America’s CryptoKids

nsa.gov/kids/

Just when we were losing hope of slick kiddie propaganda with so many crudely drawn, improperly surfing rodents and pie charts wearing whorish amounts of lipstick, the good old National Security Agency comes to the rescue with a fresh group of young, energetic animal hipsters with language, encryption and IT skills. They sport cool names like T-Top, Crypto Cat and Decipher Dog, and they all have amazing back-stories of cultural diversity and hardship mixed with a pinch of patriotism. In a realistic twist, Sergeant Sam, the Eagle soldier, is Hispanic. After an hour on the site cracking codes and making ciphers we became so enamored with this cast of well illustrated, Flash-animated do-gooders, that we completely forgot the NSA is trampling the 4th amendment. Great site!

Wayne

fbi.gov/kids

Wayne is a brief footnote in the terminally slow paced, largely puppy-guided “field trip” for FBI kids grades K – 5. A self-described “language specialist,” Wayne seems to have a shaky hold on Spanish at best. “Hola chicos! Me llamo Wayne.” reads his voice bubble, which in English, according to a web translation utility, means: “Hello small! I am called Wayne.” This shoddy translating and absence of the upside down Spanish exclamation point have strengthened our belief that the FBI is still totally clueless, and Wayne ain’t helping none.

Well kiddies, that was fun and I think we’ve learned a lot! My apologies to Pat, Your Passport Pal from the State Department and Harry Recon the CIA aerial photography pigeon for their being left of this far out list, but with each kid’s page we visited, stronger grew our desire to end our own lives! Remember kids: stay sharp – you are the future.

 

BEAST Blog

Idiot Box by Matt Bors
Big Fat Whale by Brian McFadden
Perry Bible Fellowship by Nicholas Gurewitch
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