A Look Back Through the Ages by The BEAST's former Editors.

100 BEASTs of Gratitude
A brief note from the asshole in charge.
Al Uthman

Father Knows BEAST
A few unkind words from our founder.
Matt Taibbi

Outrage 101
A BEASTly education.
Paul Salamone

Me & My Buddy The BEAST
Chris Riordan

Viva El BEAST!
Recollections of an undocumented BEAST Staffer.

The Truth About our Intentions
The very 1st BEAST Editorial.

The BEAST Government Kids Page Review
Ian Murphy

Murtha's My Lai
Stan Goff

Call me Old Fasioned, but I Think the President Should be Killed
A BEAST Reader Opinion
by Gengis Khan

The BEAST Page 3 Deposed Nepalese Despot

Kino Korner
Da Vici Code, Poseidon, Just My Luck, See No Evil.

BEAST-O-Scopes
Your cosmic fortune...
in insult form.

[sic] - Letters
Judge Punch, toilet reading, and Moses in denial.

Still Scum, Still Sucking
Our local Rep, Tom Reynolds.
Paul Fallon

A Prank of Two Cities
The incredible true story of how we propositioned the mayor’s wife and rigged the NHL playoffs.
Paul Jones

Top 10 Signs of the Impending Police State
Hey America, freedom's just around the corner... behind you
Allan Uthman

A Preview of this Issue
...By Sabres play-by-play man Rick Jeanneret!

I Know More Words Than You
An editorial of verbose contrivance.
Paul Jones

 
 

The BEAST Page 3
Deposed Nepalese Despot

Name: King Gyanendra

Turn-ons: Divine right, Tenzing Norgay, Cromwell, milliners, haberdashers, an infantilized populace, Dick Cheney, paternalism, Bootsy Collins, Dr. Teeth.

Turn-offs: Chairman Mao, free will, Sir Edmund Hillary, noblesse oblige, Elton John, nudists, Nehru jackets.

How I got to be The BEAST PAGE 3 Deposed Nepalese Despot: I blew it, folks. I squandered all the good fortune that came with my family fortuitously being slaughtered a while back. All this time watching the United States, I thought I had it figured out. I used the fear of Maoist rebels and some folderol about government corruption as a pretext for my power grab of the government. How could I have been so blind? Maoists? My sin was vanity: I thought I was doing it the NeoCon way—but I lacked imagination. I should have stuck to old stand-bys like the threat of foreign invasion or mysterious contagions, farfetched notions about which people have no constructive knowledge. Or, perhaps, I should have pursued politics in America—a much stupider and vastly more superstitious land. The truth is I thought democracy was passé. I didn’t realize there were people still interested in exercising their rights or who cared what their leaders were doing. Boy, is my face red—I know, it’s hard to tell with my complexion, but trust me: I’m blushing.

Future Plans: Perhaps I was too hasty a moment ago. A ceasefire has been declared and while I’ve officially relinquished power, I’m still positioned to manipulate the political process. The people should’ve guillotined me when they had the chance…Wait, is it too late to strike that—damn! Whatever happens, I’m canceling my subscription to the New York Times. They made it all look so easy—I was completely taken in.

How I’d like to be remembered: As the Imelda Marcos of hats.

 

BEAST Blog

Idiot Box by Matt Bors
Big Fat Whale by Brian McFadden
Perry Bible Fellowship by Nicholas Gurewitch
Bob the Angry Flower by Stephen Notely
Deep Fried by Jason Yungbluth

e-mail the evil editors at sic@buffalobeast.com
John Stossel's Invisible Handjob
Leaking Integrity: WaPo lies
I'm with Stupid: Tony Snow
10 Questions for Scott McClellan
Ask Dr. Cruise
Guide to Post-9/11 Opportunism
Ask a Horrible Human-Monkey Hybrid
GWB's Rapture Report
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