A Look Back Through the Ages by The BEAST's former Editors.

100 BEASTs of Gratitude
A brief note from the asshole in charge.
Al Uthman

Father Knows BEAST
A few unkind words from our founder.
Matt Taibbi

Outrage 101
A BEASTly education.
Paul Salamone

Me & My Buddy The BEAST
Chris Riordan

Viva El BEAST!
Recollections of an undocumented BEAST Staffer.

The Truth About our Intentions
The very 1st BEAST Editorial.

The BEAST Government Kids Page Review
Ian Murphy

Murtha's My Lai
Stan Goff

Call me Old Fasioned, but I Think the President Should be Killed
A BEAST Reader Opinion
by Gengis Khan

The BEAST Page 3 Deposed Nepalese Despot

Kino Korner
Da Vici Code, Poseidon, Just My Luck, See No Evil.

Your cosmic fortune...
in insult form.

[sic] - Letters
Judge Punch, toilet reading, and Moses in denial.

Still Scum, Still Sucking
Our local Rep, Tom Reynolds.
Paul Fallon

A Prank of Two Cities
The incredible true story of how we propositioned the mayor’s wife and rigged the NHL playoffs.
Paul Jones

Top 10 Signs of the Impending Police State
Hey America, freedom's just around the corner... behind you
Allan Uthman

A Preview of this Issue
...By Sabres play-by-play man Rick Jeanneret!

I Know More Words Than You
An editorial of verbose contrivance.
Paul Jones


By Paul Fallon

If you were born yesterday, you might not know there is a system of semi-legal bribery running the country called Congress. According to a new report released today by Public Citizen, lobbyists and their political action committees (PACs) have contributed at least $103.1 million to members of Congress since 1998.

The report shows that one of the fattest pigs at the trough is local congressional cretin Tom Reynolds (page 19 of the report, he's number 11). Reynolds is the successor to now lobbyist Bill Paxon's congressional seat. Guess what? Paxon and his politically connected wife (and also ex-congressperson) Susan Molinari are some of the largest paymasters (page 20 of the report, they're number 33).

The Public Citizen report “is the first comprehensive effort to match names of lobbyists with Federal Election Commission campaign contribution data. The result provides details about the biggest lobbyist contributors and congressional recipients of campaign largesse and furnishes a contribution total nearly double the previous estimate.”

“These numbers reveal the seamier side of Washington’s congressional decision-making,” said Joan Claybrook, president of Public Citizen. “Such enormous sums buy commensurate access, shutting most Americans out of the process and skewing legislation and budget allocation.”

“The campaign contributions lobbyists make from their own checkbooks, while significant, are just a fraction of the equation,” said Claybrook. “This report also reveals that top lobbyist contributors coordinate lucrative fund-raisers for the lawmakers they hope to influence and bring in a steady stream of contributions from their corporate clients far greater than they alone give.”

And what were Paxon and Molinari doing in March of this year? They were hosting a Texas primary night fundraiser for Tom DeLay. Delay was facing three opponents in the Republican primary. For the first time in the 22 years he's held office, he was up against a serious challenge after being forced out of his job as House majority leader amid corruption and campaign finance scandals. The event raised money for DeLay's reelection campaign. Delay won easily and we're certain he, Paxon, Molinari and their close ally Reynolds had a good laugh at the expense of their ovine constituents.

Things go down the memory hole so quickly with a subservient, PR-oriented press that you may not recall Paxon resigned his seat under very odd circumstances. Paxon was reportedly the gay lover of Sandy Hume, the son of Fox News android Brit Hume, and was blackmailed into resigning by majority leader Dick Armey after Hume's suicide brought their homosexual relationship to light.

Like most stories that cast a negative light on our overlords, this one got no play, even though it was reported that Paxon and Hume attended a Republican Party fundraiser together the night before Hume's suicide. It was also reported that, "years ago, at a conference of gay SUNY students, an activist bragged about sleeping with Paxon, then a state legislator." Paxon's wife Susan Molinari is alleged to have had a long relationship with a female and Paxon and Hume had "angry public words" at the fundraiser before Hume killed himself, and The Hill, Hume's employer, got calls from the New York Times, the Washington Post, Newsweek and Time asking about the connection between Paxon and Hume.

Nevertheless Paxon, Molinari and Reynolds are the people that matter in this country. They are hypocritical swine who wield tremendous power over our lives while exploiting voters’ basest racist and homophobic tendencies. What they do or say means little as long as they dutifully fulfill their role as scam artists for the corporate takeover of government.

It should be noted that vile Democratic queen Hillary Clinton is number two on the list among Senators. Unlike many, we’re not going to pretend the Democrats are squeaky clean. The issue here is not liberal vs. conservative, it’s honesty vs. chicanery. With the current scandals in the press involving Jack Abramoff, William Jefferson, Bob Ney, Tom Delay and Randall Cunningham, it’s the season for voters to demand accountability of their elected officials. When are we going to get sick of these bottom-feeding prostitutes controlling our lives? When will we do something about it? When will Reynolds finally lose an election?



Idiot Box by Matt Bors
Big Fat Whale by Brian McFadden
Perry Bible Fellowship by Nicholas Gurewitch
Bob the Angry Flower by Stephen Notely
Deep Fried by Jason Yungbluth

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