A Look Back Through the Ages by The BEAST's former Editors.

100 BEASTs of Gratitude
A brief note from the asshole in charge.
Al Uthman

Father Knows BEAST
A few unkind words from our founder.
Matt Taibbi

Outrage 101
A BEASTly education.
Paul Salamone

Me & My Buddy The BEAST
Chris Riordan

Viva El BEAST!
Recollections of an undocumented BEAST Staffer.

The Truth About our Intentions
The very 1st BEAST Editorial.

The BEAST Government Kids Page Review
Ian Murphy

Murtha's My Lai
Stan Goff

Call me Old Fasioned, but I Think the President Should be Killed
A BEAST Reader Opinion
by Gengis Khan

The BEAST Page 3 Deposed Nepalese Despot

Kino Korner
Da Vici Code, Poseidon, Just My Luck, See No Evil.

BEAST-O-Scopes
Your cosmic fortune...
in insult form.

[sic] - Letters
Judge Punch, toilet reading, and Moses in denial.

Still Scum, Still Sucking
Our local Rep, Tom Reynolds.
Paul Fallon

A Prank of Two Cities
The incredible true story of how we propositioned the mayor’s wife and rigged the NHL playoffs.
Paul Jones

Top 10 Signs of the Impending Police State
Hey America, freedom's just around the corner... behind you
Allan Uthman

A Preview of this Issue
...By Sabres play-by-play man Rick Jeanneret!

I Know More Words Than You
An editorial of verbose contrivance.
Paul Jones

 
 

 

Gemini (May 21 –June 20)

Oh. Hey. Didn’t see you there, Gemini. So, um, yeah, been kinda cold, you know. Kind of unseasonable. Yeah…um, how, um how’s things? Good. Good. Right. Right. Ok, then. Good to see you. Oh. Yeah, about that. Um no, not right now, but I’ll get that to…you…soon, right. OK. Good talk.


Cancer (June 21-July 22)

Holy shit, man. I just ran into Gemini and it was soooo damn awkward. You know, I hate when you bump into somebody you haven’t seen in a while and there’s all this tension, for no reason. No. I don’t owe Gemini money! Don’t interrupt – I’m trying to divine your fate: smamalah, who-ha…I see you in the near future purchasing a whole week’s worth of groceries and waiting in the express lane like you’re not a cock hole.


Leo (July 23-Aug. 22)

Sorry I’m late. You’ll never guess who I was just talking to! Yup, you guessed it: Cancer. Sometimes I can’t believe what a dumb ass Cancer is. She actually believes in astrology. Yeah I know: how tacky. She’s probably still sitting there trying to absorb the “cosmic messages” I sent her though the “ether.” But you, Leo, you’re cool. Cool enough to know that I’m just trying to fill copy. Are you hungry?

 


Virgo (Aug 23-Sept 22)

Hey, what’s going on? I’m still over at Leo’s and we were thinking about getting a pizza, but then we just figured you could come over and cook because you’re a punk-ass bitch, totally incapable of saying no to people. So, see you soon? Great. Oh, by the way: your parents will never be proud of you, because they’re total assholes. Hurry and pick up beer.


Libra (Sept 23 –Oct 22)

No I’m not busy, what’s up? Cool. I’m chillin’ at Leo’s. Virgo is coming over to cook for us. I feel sort of bad, but I figure if we keep pushing him to do increasingly inconvenient, laborious tasks for us, he’ll eventually snap and start doing for himself. Yeah, a little classical conditioning, so to speak. What? God no, that would work for you. All you need is a little love. Too bad you’re so physically repellent.

 


Scorpio (Oct 23-Nov 21)

Ok. Calm down. Calm down. Yeah I know: the end of a relationship can be difficult, but this was two fucking years ago! Any way he is so much older than you. It just doesn’t make any sense why you continue to pine for this jag off. Actually, it makes perfect sense: he spent the duration of your relationship trying to get you to conform to his warped ideals of femininity, providing you the opportunity to fill the void of older male expectation your father left by not being around, or something. No the stars didn’t tell me, Leo did. He’s a shrink. I’ll give you his card. No, he’s not around. Ok. Talk to you later, I have to um, help my mom vacuum. No, she’s not dead. No, I never said that. Gotta go!


Sagittarius (Nov 22 – Dec 21)

I wish you had called sooner; I just endured the most torturous conversation with Scorpio. Yeah; she’s super hot, but what are you going to do? You can’t fight city hall, and by city hall, I mean crazy bitches. Maybe you should lower your expectations a little, eh? I hear Libra still likes you. Look: I’m going to level with you here: you wouldn’t know what to do with a woman that beautiful if you got one. If you did: it would end, eventually, and you would spend the rest of your life weeping in a corner somewhere. I’ll talk to you later, I‘ve gotta go tell Capricorn the secrets of the universe, or whatever.


Capricorn (Dec 22 – Jan 19)

Buy coffee.

 

 


Aquarius (Jan 20-Feb 18)

You know the opening music to “The Peoples Court,” Aquarius? You know, “Dun-dun-dun! Dun-dun-deh-dun!” It comes on after Drew Carey at 4am. That’s when you realize you’re a loser who stays up all night watching TV, and you can’t even afford cable. Yeah, so there’s that to chew on.

 


Pisces (Feb 19-March 20)

Dun-dun-dun! This is the plaintiff…

 

 


Aries (March 21-April 19)

Dun-dun-deh-dun! Here in our forum…

 

 


Taurus (April 20-May 20)

Yeah, I’m sorry about that Taurus; I just trying to get that little diddy stuck in your head. With that television jingle comes great powah! Revisit the melody before and during sex, and it will stave off premature ejaculation. Unless you start thinking of Marilyn Milian, “the hottest judge on TV!”

 

 

BEAST Blog

Idiot Box by Matt Bors
Big Fat Whale by Brian McFadden
Perry Bible Fellowship by Nicholas Gurewitch
Bob the Angry Flower by Stephen Notely
Deep Fried by Jason Yungbluth

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Leaking Integrity: WaPo lies
I'm with Stupid: Tony Snow
10 Questions for Scott McClellan
Ask Dr. Cruise
Guide to Post-9/11 Opportunism
Ask a Horrible Human-Monkey Hybrid
GWB's Rapture Report
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