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KNOCKING ‘EM DEAD Hey. [Pre-emptive] Congratulations on the imminent 100th issue. But hey, it's just a number, like the dead in Iraq, so you've gotta stay the course. The Beast is making progress. Marion Delgado Dear Marion, Sure, we’re making progress. But we can’t claim to be making dead-in-Iraq progress—after all, that’s an awful lot of progress. We’re just not that prolific.
DO WE HAVE TO? Beautifully
done prank [“A
Prank of Two Cities,” issue #99]. Keep up the good work.
Jonah, That’s very clever how you managed to slip your website into your closing. Keep up the good work? Geez, we’d really love to, you know? Thing is, we’d much rather coast until next year’s “Loathsome” list. Have you seen the “Loathsome” lists, Jonah? They’re brilliant. So, what’s the deal, anyway: Does your whale have wireless?
TOTALLY SERIAL Lololol. That audio is hilarious. I have to say I think Brown knows its a hoax after a certain point (though I have no idea why he put his wife on, if it is his wife). Chiarelli, the Ottawa mayor seems to have no clue and is dead serious. Even after the call is over I bet he just had no idea. Robert Conner Dear Robert, Ha, you ingénue! Obviously you’ve never met or tried vainly to prank the estimable Mayor of Ottawa, Bob Chiarelli. You really don’t think he had any idea? Why, Robert, he was scamming us the whole time. How do we know? Because he said so, that’s how—an assertion so incontrovertible, it merited a credulous, secondhand printing in the Ottawa Sun, Robert. The Ottawa Sun. You think you know better than they do? Just because you have ears and intuition? Don’t fret: there’s hope. We were just like you once.
FUNNY BECAUSE IT’S FALSE Subject: Chiarelli… Either this was an epic literary hoax or the real deal. If it was the latter? Oy gevalt. Funny stuff either way. Unless it was true. George. Dear George, The good news, George, is that thanks to today’s vast and diverse media landscape, you needn’t settle for unpleasant truths. You read the story, but obviously its particular revelations don’t suit you. Maybe you’re Canadian, or somehow related to Bob Chiarelli. Maybe you’re a Fox News fan and are experiencing some cognitive dissonance. That’s okay, we’re not judging. No, we hear to tell that you’re in luck: there’s an Ottawa paper just for you.
DO YOU BELIEVE? Subject: Ottawa mayor story I hate Canada. But fuck 'em, we won! That story was truly, truly funny! Way to go! Eric Burlingame Dear Eric, We’re afraid we’ve got some bad news: We didn’t win. For Christ’s sake, don’t you read the Ottawa Sun? Oh, wait, did you mean the Sabres? Get your priorities straight, Eric.
FRESHLY FALLEN Subject: Tony Snow (Job) I hope someone tells him that the 9/11 attacks being an Inside Job is "too preposterous , too outrageous , too incredible" not to be true. Mark F. Walker Dear Mark, We appreciate the thought, but really, the 9/11 conspiracy theories are a hell of a lot more sensible than Easter. A nefarious, deadly plot to frighten America into submission? Not hard to believe at all, especially when you put it up against “guy dies, is buried, comes back to life, flies away.”
AS GOOD AS AN OLD LADY FROM TEXAS Subject: Tony Snow piece Excellent writing -- quality and sharp teeth on a par with Molly Ivins. Keep it up. Zachary Woodruff Dear Zachary, That’s really not a fair comparison: we’re pretty sure Ivins is on her third set of teeth.
[sic] LITTLE BRAINS Dear Beasties, Thank you for publishing the letter from Jamie Moses. I have been racking my brain trying to figure out why a supposed proponent of the independent Buffalo element would back the debacle that is the hotel on Elmwood and Forest. Now I know Jamie Moses is really just a self-aggrandizing asshole. Getting your name in print is kind of incidental when you run a major alt-weekly in Buffalo isn't it? Perhaps he's not trying hard enough. Anyway, I took a copy of the Beast with me to the laundromat last week. I was enjoying Kit Smith's food pyramid article when my thoughts were rudely violated by a twenty-something on her cell-phone talking loudly in a quasi-valley girl voice about her wedding flowers. My first instinct was to inflict thousands of tiny paper cuts on her hands with my cherished copy of the Beast so that she could not hold her cell-phone, which of course would send her into shock and subsequent death. I felt justified in this course of action, as I would at the very least have done her fiance a favor, but held back for the reason that I didn't want to sully my Beast with her putrid blood. My question is: had I committed this noble act for the sake of humanity, would the darlings at the Beast comp me a new copy? Would I need to send the bloody copy to you as proof? In closing, whoever does the paperwork for your subscriptions needs to be spanked, as I haven't paid you yet. I'll be in town in June and would be willing to administer punishment, though I gather this might be something you take care of at staff meetings. Nonetheless, if you need help let me know. kisses for all your sick little brains, Kate in Kingston Dear Kate, We’re putting you in charge of the subscription paperwork. Now we get to do the spanking! After that, our staff should be eager to meet with you.
EXCUSE ME? DEAR BEAST, Just to set the record straight. SLABOVA was STRAIGHT. We were just close friends. I was never billed as a “gay poet”, and we liked to surprise the audience. Allen role modeled how not to be homophobic, and I was the prop that recited funny poems about head, anal sex and unfortunate, unappetizing incidents with K-Y jelly, as well as tragic homo-love haiku, before HE went on to do his second set. Once some guys in the audiences CHEERED the piece about the tree with the hole in it. ! I’m still trying to figure out what that was all about. I think they had been there and done that. Although they probably saw themselves as studs. Give ‘em enough java & alcohol & they woulda fucked ripe cantaloupes. And the women laughed their assess off. I think they could relate. Although I don’t know why; ‘cause I’m convinced none of ‘em really like to give head. Even cowgirls. Long after the show, we’d stay till closing, joking with the volks: Allen was an Olympic class raconteur & had YEARS of experience as a bubba. He would knock off a fifth of scotch - or more - and everyone would get loose, if they weren’t already upon our arrival…. [Blah blah blah, this guy goes on like this for 1,500 words…] The scary thing, however is that I think some of the hard cores, left over from the late-boomer decade long ,‘68 to ‘78 , 70’s PARTY, are more “left” than the kiddies with the cell phones, high end sneakers, cliché tattoos & pierced tongues ( or dicks). HEY ENOUGH OF THOSE TEPID PUNK PIERCINGS, WHY NOT AMPUTATE AN ARM for ART!!!!! The REAL masochistic affectation !!: Talk about commitments: The surgery is NON-reversal & ya can’t get your arm lasered back on. Anyway it wasn’t all disco & John Travolta: IT was the Home BOTANISTS that developed the strains that made the little 80’s goobers so JADED about life. I never got a tattoo: Anyone who thinks they might have to go underground to fight a fascisti government of bloated plutocrats & HO elected officials doesn’t want distinguishing marks on their body. DUH. No wonder all the Scandinavians think we’re nuts. The kiddies are too busy burning illegal downloaded music to keep the big picture in focus. Oh Yeah. That’s why THE BEAST Rocks: That’s what you’re there fore. So to speak. BIG PICTURES. & I don’t find the BEAST “evil” I find it trenchant & un sports-opiated. Unlike the rest of this city. This is Chick-Pea Van der Hash & Martin Snedley channeling the spirit of Scarlett O’Hara signing off. Have a good night ,because, “After all, tomorrow is another day.” Say Hi to Kiki for me. craig Keller Dear Kiki, The Gay Poet says “hi.”
WHAT’S ALL THIS THEN? Sites like yours give Brits hope. We, of course, also have our share of toe-rags, charlatans, dickheads and loud-mouthed morons in power but we like to think we know who they are. It is comforting to know that there is such a handy guide available for the American public on- line. Chris White Dear Chris, We’re giving Brits hope? Egads! Thanks so much for alerting us to this ghastly unintended consequence of our scabrous nihilism and comic genius. We’re open-minded people who can accept a lot of things, but giving Brits hope is certainly not one of them. We have limits, man. Look, be a good chap, will you? Please, if there’s anything we can do to put an immediate stop to this disturbing phenomenon, let us know at once. Thanks again, Chris, really.
SPOT THE NSA INFORMANT Hi, I loved the prank phone calls and the quality was great... what kind of equipment did you use? I have to do a number of interviews in the upcoming months and want that kind of quality. Also, I've played around with doing sports and celebrity related prank phone calls... what's the legality of this? Thanks, Todd Dear Todd, It’d be much easier for us to discuss this over the phone. What’s your number? Better give us your work phone, too…
NEWS FLASH: MORON HATES LIBERALS Subject: WE NEED TO BE A WORLD POWER It
all boils down to, that the United States can't be an isolationist
country, and that the world does need us. Do the liberals
really count of the U.N., E.U. France, For all the countries and people who hate the USA, they'd be in a much more miserable world without us. The liberal Democrats who want to us put our tails between our legs and run away from a band of low life Muslim zealot losers who can only mount attacks by using suicide car bombs and IED's are pathetic. Our
military is the best in the world and will be for a very,
very long time to come. Wars start because of the need for
natural resources, and power and control. Some wars are because
of ethic and religious grounds. The idea of going into Iraq
was a tough one, but it was the right one. Mistakes were made,
but that happens in wartime. This is bigger than just I'm sick and tired of the left wing liberals attacking what we are trying to accomplish here, because of their own political agenda. The liberals don't have a plan for anything, unless you count complete surrender of our country to the terrorists. James Ziolkowski Buffalo, NY Dear James, So, “the idea of going into Iraq was a tough one?” You really agonized over it, did you? Well, let us commend you, James, on your resolve. We really thought “Operation Surrender to the Terrorists” had a nice ring to it. We hear you about the liberal agenda, though: freedom has become mostly a burden. It takes us 45 minutes just to pick out cereal at the market. We eagerly await the day when it’s simply a choice between Freedom O’s and Islamofascist Muesli. We know what we’ll be choosing.
FULL OF [sic] Hey Fuckers, I just took a wicked dump. My third of the day, actually, and its not even lunch time. What the fuck? I`m shitting out more than I`m taking in. Where is all this shit coming from? Am I excreting internal organs? Jeez, the more I think about it, the more I`m starting to wonder. Alright, I have to go schedule a doctors appointment now. Thanks for nothing, fuckers. Jeff Dear Jeff, Lay off the El Nino burritos and Mountain Dew and you should last another couple of years at least.
NEW TO THE INTERWEB so damn glad i found you guys on line. i spend about 2 months a year back in buffalo (sorta residing in austin tx. a little blue oasis in a sea of red necks). i always bring back back copies of all the editions i get while in town, but for some reason didn't think your paper was online. excellent stuff, love yer paper.... slammin' stuff. i 'm coming back to town june 6th ( for the finals) go sabres!!!! anyway this paper is getting very popular here in austin. great work! thanks ( a wayward musician that misses buffalo) mark harris Dear Mark, You didn’t think we had a website? Who the hell is left out there who doesn’t have a website? Our friggin’ clock radio has a website. By the way, announcing plans to come to town for the Stanley Cup finals, while the Sabres are still in the semifinals, is a textbook jinx. If the Sabres lose this series now, Mark, it will officially be All Your Fault, and your visit to the Queen City will be less enjoyable than you’d anticipated, due mainly to the many beatings you will receive from devastated alcoholics in oversized jerseys.
TOTAL CAPITULATION [sic],
Spider Jerusalem Spider, |
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