always knew the Canadians were terrorist loving bastards
my 30 some odd years safely transporting cargo for the proud US Merchant Marine,
I have learned a few things. One, for instance, is that “tariff” is just a
fancy word for tax, and two: Canucks are not to be trusted. I have learned
other things, but they mostly involve giant squid and hepatitis C.
polite “aw shucks” demeanor and freckled, anemic visages of the foul terrorists
of maple syrup country may have fooled many of their slack-jawed, land-legged
southern counterparts here in the states, but not me, not for a second. How
did I know? Decent people do not wear sandals! Not in my backyard! This is
a rule I have. I fear insurance liability lawsuits and the like. I have tiki
torches and a stiff wind could result in litigation over charred feet at any
moment. Plus I never did much care for the foot. I don’t care what you do
with your own feet behind closed doors, but I can’t belly the sight of someone
The signs have
been there for some time: Celine Dion, Alex Trebek, Red Green, their fondness
for plaid and all forms of neutered Canadian “rock-n-roll,” to name a few.
Too long have we missed the threatening body language in their squinty little,
ophthalmologist-assisted gazes, their exposed, orthodontist-straightened white
teeth and pampered, chiropractor-aligned vertebrae. Too long have we mistaken
their lighthearted whims as earnest in nature, rather than devilishly contrived
al Qaeda attack codes. I think the time in history has come when this can
finally be said: Canada has become a grave threat to the interests and freedoms
of this country that we hold so dear, like kick-ass jet skis and the soft
caress of puppies on our cheeks when we’re homesick on the high seas.
support for the seeming harmlessness of our northerly naïfs cannot and should
not be tolerated in a post 9/11 world. More than likely, the US will be able
to obtain these objectives diplomatically, with help from the recently elected
conservative PM Steven Harper. Harper, the defunct surprise guest for an extremist
beheading party, must take this opportunity to show America he is serious
about the war on terror. Possibly, by setting up a detention camp on Prince
Edward Island or allowing CIA rendition flights access to the Mounties’ airfields
or at the very least, by making us a mix tape.
Now no American
is sure what a “Prime Minister” does exactly, but we can only assume he is
the “decider.” Mr. Harper needs to decide to be with us or against us. To
tow the line or be wiped off the map, not just maps either but globes and
TripTiks too. It is well within the right of America to turn the whole of
the Canadian backwoods into an enormous glass hockey rink. As worldwide pursuers
of freedom and democracy, it is time we got tough on these terrorist harboring
hosers, eh. Five minutes for coddling the enemy!
News of the terror
plot hit close to home for many Western New Yorkers. The 50-year-old stripper
preserve known as Fort Erie, Niagara Falls was allegedly a target for some
of the Jihadist’s hijinks. A mere jaunt over the Peace Bridge, it seems, can
be as, if not more dangerous than traveling on high heel stilts through Pakistani
Kashmir, which I have done several times. Isolating the Canadian regime entirely
might be a bit much to propose here but it’s safe to say I’ll be getting lap
dances from American girls from now on. Semper Fi!