Gemini (May 21 –June 20)

It’s odd, but understandable, Gemini, that you may have misheard the lyrics to that Sarah McLachlan song as “I will dismember you/Will you dismember me?” Instead of remember. What I can’t fathom is, why, having misapprehended the tune thusly, you chose to make it your anniversary song. Nor, I might add, can your wife.

Cancer (June 21-July 22)

Cancer, it’s probably not a good idea to copy your resume objective statement from lines in your favorite show. Particularly not when it’s The Vagina Monologues.

Leo (July 23-Aug. 22)

I warned you, Leo, about putting “Poon Tang” down as a business deduction on your tax returns. It’s not just that it’s illegal, it’s so inelegant. Couldn’t you at least have written “Trim?”

Virgo (Aug 23-Sept 22)

Virgo, for future reference, sometimes when someone’s asking you questions about your achingly dull life or your meaningless job, or complimenting you on appointing your entire home with Ikea, they’re just being nice. It’s unnecessary, therefore, to resort to patronizing and self-indulgent answers. Unnecessary, pathetic and potentially harmful to you, Virgo. Watch yourself. And stop dressing like Billy Corgan while you’re at it.

Libra (Sept 23 –Oct 22)

 Look, Libra, those new Miller beer commercials with Burt Reynolds, Eddie Griffin and sundry other has-beens are awful. Even by beer commercial standards. But even if they were clever, slick or even mildly entertaining, that still wouldn’t excuse barging into the women’s restroom at work, kicking in the stall doors one by one and shouting “Man law!” You didn’t even follow the “legislative process” as depicted, which enabled your dismissal without pay. But I digress.

Scorpio (Oct 23-Nov 21)

Just out of curiosity, Scorpio, why do you do it? You have a great gig which, potentially, could earn you the adoration of hundreds upon hundreds of bar patrons. And yet, you choose time and again to play the worst songs by the best bands, or spin plainly awful music, and to abuse your post by hectoring customers over the PA in the most puerile way. Sad, really.

Sagittarius (Nov 22 – Dec 21)

Sagittarius, I don’t have anything against you giving me a set of those relaxation balls. It’s just when you give someone a set of relaxation balls, they probably shouldn’t be anal beads. Used anal beads, Sagittarius. Jesus.

Capricorn (Dec 22 – Jan 19)

Fine, Capricorn, you hate women. That’s not at all uncommon. It’s the stuff of great literature, music and art. But there’s a difference—an unsubtle and significant distinction—between hating women and setting neighborhood dogs on fire. I mean, what’s the…Wait, I think I get it. Are you trying to say…No, forget it: it makes no sense, Capricorn. You’re just an idiot. And not much of a misogynist either. What would Celine think? He had a dog—and a cat!

Aquarius (Jan 20-Feb 18)

Sure, Aquarius, everyone loves a good mud pie. It’s just that most of us stopped making them when we were four. And we always made them out of mud. Not human entrails. It was thoughtful of you to bring dessert to the party, though. Say, how come you didn’t bring what’s her name…Oh. Right.

Pisces (Feb 19-March 20)

Pisces, who gives his friend a script and asks said friend to help him “rehearse for a play”; just so he can record this friend stating his intention to attack the United States and collect an FBI reward? Who, Pisces? Oh, by the way: you should always proofread. It’s anthrax, Pisces, not Ajax. When you’re friend is acquitted, that’ll be the least of your problems.

Aries (March 21-April 19)

Aries, you cad. You bounder. You tosser. Punter. Rake, blackguard, scoundrel, rotter, tit, slag. How’s it feel to be senselessly denigrated in British colloquialisms just so I can satisfy my word count?

Taurus (April 20-May 20)

Look, Taurus, I get it: I’m a lousy best man. I lack basic organizational skills. I never made reservations at the restaurant. I flaked on the cigars, booze and gifts. I hit on your mother and your nephew, and knocked your enfeebled uncle to the ground, in my drunken stupor at the family party. I hired a bestiality act for entertainment, just because it was cheaper and got us all arrested, splashed across the front page of the paper. And I’ve been sleeping with your fiancée. Just remember: You chose me, Taurus. This is your fault.