Reaching Around the Aisle
House leaders move to protect House leaders.
Al Uthman

Hunger Striking for Osama
Churchill was right; Gandhi was a terrorist.
Alexander Zaitchik

BEAST Science for Hicks
A quck & fatal introduction to science for the logically challenged.
Ian Murphy

The BEAST Aeronautic Defense Technology Roundup
What's new in death from above.

The Great Genesee Cream Ale Challenge
A decent excuse for us to get hammered.

I Always Knew Canadians were Terrorist-loving Bastards
A BEAST Reader Opinion.

Man's Death Offset by Fantastic Accumulation of Possessions
Josh Righter

Artvoice “Sour Grapes” E-mail Determined to be a Forgery
Who's behind the malicious hoax?

Chertoff to Buffalo: We're 51.4% Behind You
Homeland Security budget cuts reveal predictable pattern.

Page 3 Serpent Bride

Kino Korner
X-Men 3, The Break-Up, The Omen.

Your cosmic fortune in insult form.

[sic] - Letters
Tech support, smeared scientists, & Hitler equivalence.

A Look Back Through the Ages by The BEAST's former Editors.

100 BEASTs of Gratitude
A brief note from the asshole in charge.
Al Uthman

Father Knows BEAST
A few unkind words from our founder.
Matt Taibbi

Outrage 101
A BEASTly education.
Paul Salamone

Me & My Buddy The BEAST
Chris Riordan

Viva El BEAST!
Recollections of an undocumented BEAST Staffer.

The Truth About our Intentions
The very 1st BEAST Editorial.

The BEAST Government Kids Page Review
Ian Murphy

Murtha's My Lai
Stan Goff

Call me Old Fasioned, but I Think the President Should be Killed
A BEAST Reader Opinion
by Gengis Khan

Still Scum, Still Sucking
Our local Rep, Tom Reynolds.
Paul Fallon



Dear Editor:

 I really enjoyed the piece on the Top Ten Signs of an Impending Police State.  Very accurate.  I also wanted to add one, or really embellish upon the last one, about the CIA.  Not only is Negroponte (king of death squads in Central and South America) the newly appointed caretaker of the bewildered herd, but the entire security, police structure and military have been quietly re-aligned, purged of the non-kool-aid crowd and, re-organized under a central authority...i.e. the neocon/Bush machine's new Department of Homeland Security.  Odd how the Nazis did the same thing...just coincidence surely.  Also coincidence that Hitler declared his new police 'defenders of the homeland'.


Dear Jeff,

Certainly these concerns about Bush’s trampling of civil liberties are troubling. A sober, objective public analysis of the situation is long overdue. And there’s nothing better to foster such serious debate than constantly equating your opponent to Hitler.

[sic] OF IT ALL

Dear Evil Editor-In-Cheif,

         I'd like to start this off by saying that I love this paper, and reading it while I sat behind the counter and nothing at work really made my day. Actually, It's the only reason why I kept working there...

         But for the real madness to this e-mail, I'd like the tell you about a story that you may be interested in printing. I am (at this moment but not for much longer) a student at St. Joesph's Collegiate Institute (SJCI) and I'm really tired of the pure bull that they have been feeding me this entire year. Besides the constand detentions and punishments due to the fact that my hair touched the collar of my uniform dress shirt (because long hair OBVIOUSLY distracts my ability to learn...especially in an all boys school), the stupid greedy school kicked me out this year. Not because I did anything wrong, and not even because my hair touched my collar, and not even because I dyed my hair black, but because I don't have the money to afford it. While they sit there and fund every athletic person so they have free tuition, I get screwed out of a good education, not to mention, it would be easier for me in life just saying I went to St. Joes. They wouldn't even give me a dime, because their quota was already over, and they couldn't give someone like me any money so I could get the education that they are already greedy enough to ask for $8,100 a year. Not only that, but while they are poor and begging for their catholic charities and holding huge fun raisers where they get $20,000+, they are also spending a sum in excess of 2 million dollars to redo sports fields and other parts of the buliding, and even giving the Lasallian Brothers a newer house. I'm pissed because St. Joes didn't even let me keep my dignity, they made sure they snatched it up when they told me that they were kicking me out of the school because I couldn't afford it, but they made sure to make a payment plan so they could get all of the money I owe them as of now. Personally, I know this sounds like a sob story, but I figured this is somthing thats so stupid and that it really shows how money hungry the catholic religion, and how greedy many religions are, not to mention private schools.

          I'm sorry, but I won't say my name, seeing if it were to be put in the article if you publish it (WHICH I HOPE YOU DO) because people who my father works for send their kids there and they think the school is the best thing ever. Then again, they make enough money to afford it.

          I'm also in the process of photoshopping a nice image of a swastika armband on the dean guy who makes me cut my hair and to button my top button when the school is abouit 110 degrees. Just in case you want it.

Sincerely, (and thanks ahead of time)

Huge Fan, and a kid whos pissed at St. Joes

Dear Huge Fan,

This is an outrage. For you to be deprived of your rightful life of privilege is unfathomable. You’re like, the Rosa Parks of snotty white boys or something.

Alas, such grave injustices are known to befall many great iconoclasts such as you. On the bright side, you will be able to coast through the rest of high school and the first two years of state college on the strength of your relatively accelerated educational history. You may even manage to pick up a similarly maladjusted girl, if you spend enough time sitting alone, brooding quietly and rereading your copy of Catcher in the Rye.

By the way, if you think that withholding your name will protect your identity, there must be more poor kids with long, dyed-black hair and discipline problems at St. Joe’s than we thought. Life sucks, kid. Now go get a tattoo.


When's the new issue due out?  Can't wait!  Love reading Uthman


Dear Aaron,

Dude, it’s out now!


To the writer of below article:

In regards to the article below taking from your magazine; I question one's ability to fully disregard a show before its actually occurred.  I understand your intent is to give your readers an "inside scoop" of what to expect & try to help people plan their outings for a good time.  What is written below however is a display not only of your opinion but of your stupidity as well.  Next time, why don't you provide links for readers to view bands and create their own opinions (myspace is a beautiful thing) if you took the time to do that for yourself, which you obviously did not, you would know that Setiva who played last on that show are far from embracing shittiness or inexperienced musicians.  In fact, these guys are some of the most down to earth fellas who are not even hardcore, dude if you don't even know the difference between genres WTF are you doing writing up your opinion about shows anyhow? It takes a lesser man to judge than to do it themselves.  I suggest you take your head out of your ass and go check out a Setiva show next time they bless buffalo with one or hey here's a link


Dear “Bridget,”

You know, we were going to provide a link to that all-important friggin’ myspace page in that write-up, but our IT department is still having some trouble integrating HTML code into wood-pulp. If we wanted to leave our readers to their own opinions, we’d be in bed right now. Still, you’re right that we shouldn’t have jumped the gun, so we checked out their music, and now the truth can be told: Setiva is a tired retread of every suburban rock/metal band from the ‘80s forward, with the novel twist that they like weed. Generally speaking, when bands spell their own names wrong, things can only go downhill from there. We don’t doubt that they’re “down to earth,” it’s just that their music sucks and, you know, we wouldn’t hold that against them, except that they’re in a band. Opinions are like MySpace pages, “Bridget;” everybody’s got one.


I just read your piece on John Stossel (issue #94). It was first-rate investigative reporting; keep up the good work.

Ken Duerksen 

Oxford, Ohio


Ah yes, who can forget that gripping report, digging deep into Stossel’s secret… ABC prime time special. Live from Jones’ office chair. The travel expenses alone nearly put us out of business, but it was worth it.


I'm impressed with the political articles I've read in The Beast. My question is: Could you make the articles more printer friendly? Please say "yes".


Dear June,

Yes! Here at The BEAST, our IT division has worked many long hours to crack the secret to printer-friendliness, and we have devised an ingeniously simple but powerful solution. Just follow this simple 5-step process:

1. Using your mouse, click and drag your cursor from the beginning to the end of your favorite BEAST article, releasing the button when you have selected the entire text.

2. Click “Edit” and then “Copy” in your browser’s menu.

3. Now open your favorite word processing application, such as Microsoft Word or Corel WordPerfect—even a basic text editor such as Notepad will do!

4. Click “Edit” and “Paste” in your application’s menu. The article’s text appears in the open document, as if by magic!

5. Click on “File” and then “Print,” and behold! The BEAST article that was once on the screen is transformed into a paper document.

Amazing, right? We sure didn’t waste money on good old Rajneesh and Quang-Thieu.

Remember, we have only attempted this innovative technique on articles appearing at our own site,, and we can make no guarantees about the effectiveness or safety of attempting to apply this method of screen-to-paper meta-transference on any other website. We recommend against it, but if you make such an attempt, do so at your own risk!


Dear Sir (Dear Beast?),

I have read your posting at
regarding the irresponsible allegations of Rispens concerning Peter Debye. Cornell University has finished an investigation subsequent to Rispens' accusations and a copy of their report is attached. Cornell finds the Rispens allegations without merit. In mid-June, a report of the investigation by the directors of the former Debye Institute at Utrecht university will be published and I can tell you now that it will also report Rispens' allegations as baseless (and simply as a keen media strategy to sell his book).

Nordulf Debye

Dear Nordulf,

We’re glad to hear that he’s being cleared. Debye was cool, though we’re really more Neils Bohr fans. Atomic structure totally rocks! Besides, how racist can a guy be when he first described the “Compton effect,” which we assume can only be a scientific model of NWA’s radicalizing effect on rap music, in 1923? Dr. Debye was a true O.G., as his colleague Dr. Dre would no doubt agree. Anyway, we wouldn’t have thought Cornell would even have a problem with a genuine Nazi association—didn’t Ann Coulter go there?


Greetings, Mr Beast;

Great Article on the Top 10 Signs of the Impending Police State on

 Thank you.

You know, Beast, Christians love liberty too. Patrick Henry's great speech is a case in point.

Then there is the Lord freeing the Jews from bondage in Egypt and the quote by the Apostle Paul in Galatians 5:1 "Stand fast therefore in the liberty wherewith Christ hath made us free, and be not entangled again with the yoke of bondage."

It has been atheist, secular humanists, even Satanists such as Hitler, Pol Pot, Stalin and Mao Tse Tung who have set up the worst totalitarian dictatorships. You know, Nixon was and Bush is foul-mouthed.

I was really enjoying your article until I came to that unnecessary adjective in #8. It somewhat turned me off to the article. Even though you may laugh, Jesus tells us that if we have aught against an action of another, we should come to him and tell him politely what our concern is.

I love my Lord, and I want to do what He says in His Word.

So I did. Thanks for listening, Beast. Keep on speaking up.!

Resistance To Tyranny is Obedience To God,       

Alan Hagerman  <><

Dear Alan,

You know what Jesus also said? “But those mine enemies, which would not that I should reign over them, bring hither, and slay [them] before me” (Luke 19:27). Sounds kind of Stalinesque to us. And Alex Jones is a goddamn blithering idiot, who probably works undercover for the government to make reasonable conspiracy theorists look crazy. Hell, you should submit that story to Prison Planet; he’d probably run with it. But hey, Alan, we’re real fucking sorry about the swearing, man. Really, we feel like shit about it.


You guy's are frighteningly right in your surmations of the situation. However, it remains to be seen if we will live as slaves.

G.E. Harvey

Dear G.E.,

Don’t you have work to do?


Instead of making deadly accurate lists like this, why aren't you lot running the country? Y

I'd vote for you although my knowledge of who you are and what your policies would be is infinitesimal - well no, less than that even.

Glad you got onto that pitiful, self-hating, mysoginist Malkin bitch. She's usually overlooked, probably not taken seriously because she's all the things she hates so much.
(Pale brown, slanty-eyed, roots like a rattlesnake but is married to man who hates sex with his wife, and has married white.) One of her sentences should have been to be peed on by that wanker R. Kelly.)

Your folks list is the most intelligent survey produced in writing this year.


Heperi Mita

Dear Heperi,

You forgot “anchor baby” and “drive-by citizen.”


to me, I know you're list is legit when I see touch screen voting machines.

I came to the elections

I saw what they did   

I wrote it up in a co-authored scientific paper

We found that touch screens taken out of service with under 30 votes voted 50% more for the Republican gubernatorial candidate than for the democratic candidate in a dem county in the closest gubernatorial race in US history (with a hand recount of paper ballots)

And, I've attempted to conquer, (filing a lawsuit)

Thanks for your work on this list though, I saw it distributed by Mark crispin miller I do some writing myself and know that distribution is key

- Paul Lehto

Attorney at Law



Phew! Thank God that’s over. Moving on…


Hello from NZ

Just wondering if you had a downloadable link that I could use for my MySpace profile? Time the rest of the world knew about you. Much respect.

Angry Andy Ewen

Control 99.4fm DJ and upholder of unfettered, free speech.

Angry Andy,

Er… downloadable link? Rajneesh? Quang-Thieu? RAJNEESH!? Where the hell are those guys when you need them? Oh, right, the opium run. Well, you’ll have to be patient, our not-quite Aussie friend—our IT guys will be back in a few days, assuming the condoms don’t burst. Till then just throw another shrimp on the barbie or something (sorry, we’re drawing a blank on New Zealander stereotypes).


I know it isn’t Christmas but I wanted to send you my Christmas letter anyway just so you would know what a kindred spirit I am. In all seriousness even though I am a disabled Vietnam veteran having a flashback in an alcoholic blackout I find your writing to be stellar. It’s much better and funnier than anything I have seen since the old national lampoon and certainly much more wickedly clever than things like “The Onion.”

   I hope you guys are rich because of this or at least getting rich, but I kind of doubt that you are and thats too bad, your stuff is genius ,so I hope you keep it up

  thankyou and Merry Christmas

Your friend

David W Scott Jr.

Dear David,

Wow, this is the beast Christmas ever! Seriously, we’re glad we could momentarily distract you from the imaginary gook silhouettes on the rooftops across the street.



Idiot Box by Matt Bors
Big Fat Whale by Brian McFadden
Perry Bible Fellowship by Nicholas Gurewitch
Bob the Angry Flower by Stephen Notely
Deep Fried by Jason Yungbluth

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John Stossel's Invisible Handjob
Leaking Integrity: WaPo lies
I'm with Stupid: Tony Snow
10 Questions for Scott McClellan
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Guide to Post-9/11 Opportunism
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GWB's Rapture Report
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