Hello
infidels! Abu Ayyub al-Masri here. You know, “the new Zarqawi.”
I am very excited to be killing you soon and I’m trying not
to allow this success to go to my head. This has been the
greatest experience I have ever had. I have made friendships
that will last a lifetime. Unfortunately, the end of my life
may be approaching as quickly as that unmanned flying drone
on the horizon! Hurry America, it’s time to vote for the next
al Qaeda Idol!
Who will
be the next al Qaeda Idol? Cast your vote at (716) 856-4355, or e-mail sic@buffalobeast.com!
Abdelkarim
Hussein Mohamed Al-Nasser
Aliases:
Dave from accounting, Doug, Mr. Pib
Profile:
Saudi national charged in connection with the 1996 Khobar Tower bombing.
Strengths:
Bomb, sandwich making capabilities, “Just for Men” beard.
Weaknesses:
Silver bullets, regular bullets, grenades and almonds.
Pet
Peeve: Women who show too much forehead.
Michael
Niman
Aliases:
Dr. Mohammed Nyman Al-Hippy, Professor Flower Power Sunshine, The Terrible
Tree-hugger, Patchouli Ali
Profile:
Liberal Buffalo State professor wanted in connection to his spilling a bong
across state lines, and being a humorless chunk of doo-doo. He has known ties
to the Schmidbaur regime. The CIA estimates Niman to have nuclear capabilities
in less than 5 years.
Strengths:
Hates America, vicious temper and Tora Bora bouffant.
Weaknesses:
Afraid of guns.
Favorite
Chavez: Cesar.
Abdullah
Ahmed Abdullah
Aliases:
Abu Mohamed Al-Masri, Saleh, Abu Mariam, George Clooney.
Profile:
Egyptian born. Indicted in connection with the US Embassies in Dar es Salaam,
Tanzania, and Nairobi, Kenya. “No trouble with the ladies.”
Strengths:
Able to tie a tie, grow moustache and kill millions just by thinking about
it.
Weaknesses:
Last name same as first, very confusing. Looks like a normal dude, difficult
to vilify.
Last
Seen: Running.
Kareem
Abdul-Jabbar
Aliases:
Abdul-Karim al-Jabbar. Lewis Alcindor,
Captain Roger Murdock.
Profile:
First pick overall in the 69 draft. Played with the Bucks 1969–75, continued
with Lakers 75 – 89. Regarded by many as the best center in NBA history. Fought
Bruce Lee in Game of Death.
Strengths:
Most points in NBA history - 38,387, sky hook, black belt.
Weaknesses:
Jazz enthusiast, stature would make capture inevitable – or not.
Catch
Phrase: “No, I’m not Magic Johnson.”
Jamel
Ahmed Mohammed Ali Al-Badawi
Aliases:
Jamal Muhsin Al-Tali, Abu Abdul Rahman Al-Badawi, Abu Abdul Rahman Al-Adani,
Jamal Mohammad Ahmad Ali Al-Badawi, Jamal Mohammad Ahmad, Ali - Ali Oxen Free
Profile:
Yemeni wanted in connection with the October 12, 2000, bombing of the USS
Cole. Imprisoned, then escaped in April 2003.
Strengths:
Pleasant smile, fluffy down-like beard, “Glamour Shots.”
Weaknesses:
Flat head, poor social skills, no stage presence.
Favorite
Jihad: All of them!
Judith
Martin
Aliases:
Miss Manners, Mohammed Martin Manners, 3M, Judy, Judes
Profile:
Nationally syndicated etiquette columnist. Her “heavy etiquette theory” is
ideologically aligned with Sharia Law. Radicalized in the 60s while dating
Huey P. Newton. Wanted in connection with being a stone cold bitch.
Strengths:
Knows where to place a salad fork, dirty bomb.
Weaknesses:
Woman.
Anal
Sex: “Not after Labor Day.”
Fazul
Abdullah Mohammed
Aliases:
Abdallah Fazul, Abdalla Fazul, Abdallah Mohammed Fazul, Fazul Abdilahi Mohammed,
Fazul Adballah, Fazul Abdalla, Fazul Mohammed, Haroon, Harun, Haroon Fazul,
Harun Fazul, Fadil Abdallah Muhamad, Fadhil Haroun, Abu Seif Al Sudani, Abu
Aisha, Abu Luqman, Fadel Abdallah Mohammed Ali, Fouad Mohammed
Profile:
Kenyan born, sought for his alleged involvement in the bombings of the United
States Embassies in Dar es Salaam, Tanzania, and Nairobi, Kenya, on August
7, 1998. Casual dresser.
Strengths:
Multilingual, computer skills, looks a lot like “Thriller” era Michael Jackson.
Weaknesses:
Wears baseball caps in the manner of the infidels.
Favorite
Joke: “So a priest and a rabbi walk into a bar – AND I KILL THEM!”
Jean-Claude
Van Damme
Aliases:
Van Damage, Nuk Soo Cow, The short man’s Steven Segal.
Profile:
B movie action star, flexible groin, trite repartee.
Strengths:
As funny, if not funnier than Chuck Norris.
Weaknesses:
Shaves entire body.
Favorite
karate utterance: “Hwaaaaaaaagh!”
