Pointless
Feeding the ultimate troll.
Al Uthman

Bananarama
Belafonte can't shake tally-man past.
Christopher Famighetti

A Small Rabbit out of a Big Hat
Pentagon media moguls cancel Zarqawi.
Stan Goff

Al Qaeda Idol
Vote for the next #2!

The BEAST Conservative Q&A
Answering questions that plague Republicans.

Five Questions...
for WGRZ anchor Ron Plants!

Coping with Road Rage
What can you do?
Scott Borchert

Hammer Hits Hollywood
The Big Buy: Tom DeLay’s Stolen Congress
Movie Review by Matt Cale

Stormtrooping for Dollars
Blog by boys in blue bodes badly for Buffalo

Power Tool
Brian Higgins, the enemy within

Page 3 Lesbian Superhero

Kino Korner: Movies
Nacho Libre, The Lake House, Tokyo Drift, Garlfield, Cars & A Prairie Home Companion

BEAST-O-Scopes
Your cosmic fortune in insult form.

[sic] - Letters
Moses mania, junk science, vegan carnivores, & retroactive plagiarism


Reaching Around the Aisle
House leaders move to protect House leaders.
Al Uthman

Hunger Striking for Osama
Churchill was right; Gandhi was a terrorist.
Alexander Zaitchik

BEAST Science for Hicks
A quck & fatal introduction to science for the logically challenged.
Ian Murphy

The BEAST Aeronautic Defense Technology Roundup
What's new in death from above.

The Great Genesee Cream Ale Challenge
A decent excuse for us to get hammered.

I Always Knew Canadians were Terrorist-loving Bastards
A BEAST Reader Opinion.

Man's Death Offset by Fantastic Accumulation of Possessions
Josh Righter

Artvoice “Sour Grapes” E-mail Determined to be a Forgery
Who's behind the malicious hoax?

Chertoff to Buffalo: We're 51.4% Behind You
Homeland Security budget cuts reveal predictable pattern.

 

Hello infidels! Abu Ayyub al-Masri here. You know, “the new Zarqawi.” I am very excited to be killing you soon and I’m trying not to allow this success to go to my head. This has been the greatest experience I have ever had. I have made friendships that will last a lifetime. Unfortunately, the end of my life may be approaching as quickly as that unmanned flying drone on the horizon! Hurry America, it’s time to vote for the next al Qaeda Idol!

 

Who will be the next al Qaeda Idol? Cast your vote at (716) 856-4355, or e-mail sic@buffalobeast.com!


 

Abdelkarim Hussein Mohamed Al-Nasser

Aliases: Dave from accounting, Doug, Mr. Pib
Profile: Saudi national charged in connection with the 1996 Khobar Tower bombing.
Strengths: Bomb, sandwich making capabilities, “Just for Men” beard.
Weaknesses: Silver bullets, regular bullets, grenades and almonds.
Pet Peeve: Women who show too much forehead.

 

 

Michael Niman

Aliases: Dr. Mohammed Nyman Al-Hippy, Professor Flower Power Sunshine, The Terrible Tree-hugger, Patchouli Ali
Profile: Liberal Buffalo State professor wanted in connection to his spilling a bong across state lines, and being a humorless chunk of doo-doo. He has known ties to the Schmidbaur regime. The CIA estimates Niman to have nuclear capabilities in less than 5 years.
Strengths: Hates America, vicious temper and Tora Bora bouffant.
Weaknesses: Afraid of guns.
Favorite Chavez: Cesar.

 

Abdullah Ahmed Abdullah

Aliases: Abu Mohamed Al-Masri, Saleh, Abu Mariam, George Clooney.
Profile: Egyptian born. Indicted in connection with the US Embassies in Dar es Salaam, Tanzania, and Nairobi, Kenya. “No trouble with the ladies.”
Strengths: Able to tie a tie, grow moustache and kill millions just by thinking about it.
Weaknesses: Last name same as first, very confusing. Looks like a normal dude, difficult to vilify.
Last Seen: Running.

 

Kareem Abdul-Jabbar

Aliases: Abdul-Karim al-Jabbar. Lewis Alcindor, Captain Roger Murdock.
Profile: First pick overall in the 69 draft. Played with the Bucks 1969–75, continued with Lakers 75 – 89. Regarded by many as the best center in NBA history. Fought Bruce Lee in Game of Death.
Strengths: Most points in NBA history - 38,387, sky hook, black belt.
Weaknesses: Jazz enthusiast, stature would make capture inevitable – or not.
Catch Phrase: “No, I’m not Magic Johnson.”

 

Jamel Ahmed Mohammed Ali Al-Badawi

Aliases: Jamal Muhsin Al-Tali, Abu Abdul Rahman Al-Badawi, Abu Abdul Rahman Al-Adani, Jamal Mohammad Ahmad Ali Al-Badawi, Jamal Mohammad Ahmad, Ali - Ali Oxen Free
Profile: Yemeni wanted in connection with the October 12, 2000, bombing of the USS Cole. Imprisoned, then escaped in April 2003.
Strengths: Pleasant smile, fluffy down-like beard, “Glamour Shots.”
Weaknesses: Flat head, poor social skills, no stage presence.
Favorite Jihad: All of them!

 

Judith Martin

Aliases: Miss Manners, Mohammed Martin Manners, 3M, Judy, Judes
Profile: Nationally syndicated etiquette columnist. Her “heavy etiquette theory” is ideologically aligned with Sharia Law. Radicalized in the 60s while dating Huey P. Newton. Wanted in connection with being a stone cold bitch.
Strengths: Knows where to place a salad fork, dirty bomb.
Weaknesses: Woman.
Anal Sex: “Not after Labor Day.”

 

Fazul Abdullah Mohammed

Aliases: Abdallah Fazul, Abdalla Fazul, Abdallah Mohammed Fazul, Fazul Abdilahi Mohammed, Fazul Adballah, Fazul Abdalla, Fazul Mohammed, Haroon, Harun, Haroon Fazul, Harun Fazul, Fadil Abdallah Muhamad, Fadhil Haroun, Abu Seif Al Sudani, Abu Aisha, Abu Luqman, Fadel Abdallah Mohammed Ali, Fouad Mohammed
Profile: Kenyan born, sought for his alleged involvement in the bombings of the United States Embassies in Dar es Salaam, Tanzania, and Nairobi, Kenya, on August 7, 1998. Casual dresser.
Strengths: Multilingual, computer skills, looks a lot like “Thriller” era Michael Jackson.
Weaknesses: Wears baseball caps in the manner of the infidels.
Favorite Joke: “So a priest and a rabbi walk into a bar – AND I KILL THEM!”

 

Jean-Claude Van Damme

Aliases: Van Damage, Nuk Soo Cow, The short man’s Steven Segal.
Profile: B movie action star, flexible groin, trite repartee.
Strengths: As funny, if not funnier than Chuck Norris.
Weaknesses: Shaves entire body.
Favorite karate utterance: “Hwaaaaaaaagh!”

 

BEAST Blog

Idiot Box by Matt Bors
Big Fat Whale by Brian McFadden
Perry Bible Fellowship by Nicholas Gurewitch
Bob the Angry Flower by Stephen Notely
Deep Fried by Jason Yungbluth

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