Cancer (June 21-July 22)

Cancer, the time has come to turn in your driver’s license. You’re eighty-five years old, you can barely see past your nose, you couldn’t hear a mortar round if it exploded in your living room and you are completely oblivious to the nine accidents you’ve been responsible for this week because for some reason you need to be out driving during rush hour. It’s time to walk away from the car, you old bastard and let someone else drive. How about those soulless children you raised? It’s about time for them to earn that inheritance.

Leo (July 23-Aug. 22)

Leo, how many times do you need to fall asleep with your pants down after masturbating to porn before you learn your lesson? If you lived alone that would be one thing, but I think your parents are tired of coming home to what has become a not-so-surprising spectacle. Listen Leo, either buy a DVD player for your room or get an apartment (you are thirty-six). I’m sure your parents will let you keep the couch.

Virgo (Aug 23-Sept 22)

Virgo, you need to stop luring young girls out of the country via MySpace. It is making it difficult for hard-working American pedophiles to get some action.

Libra (Sept 23 –Oct 22)

I’ve been thinking about you a lot lately Libra, and have decided that if I ever get to set someone on fire in the middle of a busy intersection it will be you. Maybe in those last moments of running around screaming while trying to beat out the flames, you will reflect on the shitty and foul life you have led and finally be able to see the error of your ways before going to hell, or maybe you just rot in the ground. Either way, the world will be a better place.

Scorpio (Oct 23-Nov 21)

Scorpio, it’s one thing to read the tabloids, but quite another to rub that ridiculous blue dot and expect to have good things happen to you. I know you weren’t born retarded; it must have been a gradual process brought on by years of watching the Home Shopping Network. I hope you catch Gonorrhea from rubbing that blue dot and have to try to explain it to your angry spouse.

Sagittarius (Nov 22 – Dec 21)

Sagittarius, the next time you’re doing a big interview with Matt Lauer, and you’re pregnant, and want to appear sympathetic, as well as give the impression that you’re a good mother; you might want to cover more than 10% of your tits.

Capricorn (Dec 22 – Jan 19)

Capricorn, remember last week when you said you really enjoy watching “Murder, She Wrote?” I think you need get out more, because there is just something fucked up about that.

Aquarius (Jan 20-Feb 18)

Aquarius, you are forty-two years old and have no children. There is no reason for you to hang out at the local Chuck E. Cheese so much.

Pisces (Feb 19-March 20)

Pisces, I know you have tried your best to make it work but I just don’t think your Kevin Federline fan club is going to take off. I guess you have to find another white trash piece of shit to look up to.

Aries (March 21-April 19)

Aries, I saw you at work the other day and saw that sign next to you on the counter stating, “Speak with one of our fun experts.” I can’t stop wondering what it takes to become a “fun expert,” what kind of training program is involved, and why you need to be one to sell pool supplies and badminton sets. I would think it involves tequila, strippers, various recreational drugs, Jarts and a monkey that smokes. Only then can you strut around like Mr. Big Dick calling yourself a “fun expert,” and until then I’ll pick out my own fucking summer fun items, thank you.

Taurus (April 20-May 20)

Taurus, she wants to know the password to your computer. She tells you it because she wants to have access to your music collection and make her own CDs, but you know better. You know the things she wants to see, the secrets she thinks she may find. She needs to review buddy lists, e-mails and pictures. She wants to know all. She wants to ask questions. She wants to have ammunition to save for the right moment a month from now. My advice is to turn it around and ask her if you can rummage through her purse because you’d have a better chance of getting access to the unedited Warren Commission documents.

Gemini (May 21 –June 20)

Gemini, the fact that you consider David Blaine a hero speaks volumes about you. David Blaine is as close to being a hero as a turd is to being a flashlight. He’s not even a goddamned magician; he’s that unbalanced kid you hung out with in middle school who sniffed gasoline and did crazy things with his dad’s power tools. The guy is a fucking douche, Gemini.