Pointless
Feeding the ultimate troll.
Al Uthman

Bananarama
Belafonte can't shake tally-man past.
Christopher Famighetti

A Small Rabbit out of a Big Hat
Pentagon media moguls cancel Zarqawi.
Stan Goff

Al Qaeda Idol
Vote for the next #2!

The BEAST Conservative Q&A
Answering questions that plague Republicans.

Five Questions...
for WGRZ anchor Ron Plants!

Coping with Road Rage
What can you do?
Scott Borchert

Hammer Hits Hollywood
The Big Buy: Tom DeLay’s Stolen Congress
Movie Review by Matt Cale

Stormtrooping for Dollars
Blog by boys in blue bodes badly for Buffalo

Power Tool
Brian Higgins, the enemy within

Page 3 Lesbian Superhero

Kino Korner: Movies
Nacho Libre, The Lake House, Tokyo Drift, Garlfield, Cars & A Prairie Home Companion

BEAST-O-Scopes
Your cosmic fortune in insult form.

[sic] - Letters
Moses mania, junk science, vegan carnivores, & retroactive plagiarism


Reaching Around the Aisle
House leaders move to protect House leaders.
Al Uthman

Hunger Striking for Osama
Churchill was right; Gandhi was a terrorist.
Alexander Zaitchik

BEAST Science for Hicks
A quck & fatal introduction to science for the logically challenged.
Ian Murphy

The BEAST Aeronautic Defense Technology Roundup
What's new in death from above.

The Great Genesee Cream Ale Challenge
A decent excuse for us to get hammered.

I Always Knew Canadians were Terrorist-loving Bastards
A BEAST Reader Opinion.

Man's Death Offset by Fantastic Accumulation of Possessions
Josh Righter

Artvoice “Sour Grapes” E-mail Determined to be a Forgery
Who's behind the malicious hoax?

Chertoff to Buffalo: We're 51.4% Behind You
Homeland Security budget cuts reveal predictable pattern.

 

EXTREME INDIFFERENCE

Dear Paul,

I was told you published the personal email I sent you (which was not intended for publication) about how it didn’t matter to me what you did at the Al Franken event or anywhere else for that matter. I went online to confirm this. Your response, once you strip away the predictable Beasty bile, was an insistence that I really do care about you and your paper. I’m sorry, but I don’t. Don’t take it personally, I just don’t care for your style of journalism anymore than you apparently care for mine. So I don’t read your paper. I know you’re out there and people read the Beast. That’s good! I know professional bowling is out there, too, I just don’t follow it. In any case, I meant what I said, I hope you prosper. Also, I began learning piano about three months ago. I’m terrible (but improving). Stop in at Merlin’s some Wednesday if you ever want to hear me butcher some well loved cover songs and I’ll buy you a beer. Just don’t talk to me about publishing.

jamie

p.s.
not for publication

 

Okay, Jamie, you’ve convinced us. After two insistent e-mails, it’s become very clear to us that you really, really, seriously, don’t give a hoot. In fact, we’d have to say that you don’t care a lot. In fact, you don’t care so much that it seems really important to you that we fully understand your superlative lack of interest. In truth, though, the best evidence that you really don’t ever read The BEAST is your expectation that simply typing “not for publication” would ever stop us from printing something.

 

WORLD’S GREATEST SCIENTICIAN

Would it be any relevance to know that Mad Cow Disease is not caused by an abberant protien but by an nanobacterium called spiroplasma? It can be known as absolute fact without any tests that prion proteins do not cause Mad Cow Disease, or TSEs, because the absence of genetic material causes evolution to work against the disease instead of promote it. Without evolution, it cannot have variants.

I explain this subject on this web page:  http://nov55.com/prin.html

Gary Novak
science web site

 

Well, we’re no scientists, but we’re always willing to believe a “scientist” whose only corroborating reference is his own website. Still, we’re in good company, according to your website, as you seem to have discovered not only that the Theory of Relativity and the Big Bang Theory are incorrect, as well as the physical definition of energy, but that the dinosaurs were killed by grass, chlorine causes heart disease and fluoride makes your teeth break. Oh, and global warming is caused by the earth’s core heating the oceans. It’s amazing, really—such an astonishing range of discoveries, yet the genius behind them goes unrecognized, as if he is some kind of crackpot, some half-witted egomaniac who cannot imagine that some truths are beyond his comprehension. What a shame. That’s a nice touch, too, signing off with “science web site,” when that’s not even the name of your website, which would be bad enough in itself. Maybe we should start following our names in correspondence with the word “newspaper.” You know, let them figure it out, right?

 

CLOSET CARNIVORE

Hello,
We are going vegan, and want to know if there is any meat, (such as buffalo), that is not subject to potential prion infection. Thank you. Kenny Lane

Dear Kenny,
You’re going vegan. And you want to know what kind of meat you can eat. Are you sure you don’t already have Mad Cow? And how is it we get two letters in the space of a day about a two and a half year old article?

 

THE ENEMY OF OUR ENEMY STILL SUCKS

First, I wanted to say how off the mark you were with your list. Although, you are entitled to your own opinion, however liberal it may be. I have fought for this country and I’m sure that you in no way support the war or even give a shit about the troops, but there is on injustice that has to be brought forward. That is Fred Phelps and his congregation at the Westboro Baptist Church. I’m sure that since you apparently are an “educated” liberal would even agree with me on this. These people have no right to breathe the same air as any servicemember and to think that they can protest at ones funeral. Now, I stumbled across your page and realized I wasn’t going to like what I was going to read, but I don’t know anyone that even thinks about saying they support these idiots. Personally, I believe that they should’ve been every one of the top 50 and then killed. But the Constitution of the US protects them so they can trash talk the men and women that uphold and defend it. It makes me sick to know that we can’t deport them to Iran, that would be justice.

Dan

Dan,
Something tells us you wouldn’t have much of a problem with the subhuman Phelps’ message if he and his trolls only picketed gay weddings and pride marches, which would admittedly make more sense as a target than the funerals of US soldiers. Luckily, another few rigged elections and we’ll be well on our way to eliminating that pesky First Amendment which you find so nauseating. Maybe then you won’t have to show your compassion for the troops by supporting their prolonged endangerment.

 

ELOQUENT RESPONSE

HEY what is the goddamn matter with you guys i love the beast but without having read the article im old fashimoned but still think the prez should be killed what the hell !!!! you cant call for the murder of an asshole like w even if jokingly man im mad you do this stupid thing man

Don Ralphing

Dear Don,
You may be right—it could be Genghis has really gone too far this time. You’d think he’d have more empathy, being a bloodthirsty conqueror himself. Maybe we should apologize to the president; after all, look what it did for the Dixie Chicks. One question, though: were you turning into the Incredible Hulk when you wrote this message?

 

YOU FIGURE IT OUT

Here is a question for The Beast. Does The Beast consider itself a liberal publication? If no, where does The Beast fall on the political spectrum?

Thanks,
Libertad

Dear Libertad,
The BEAST does not “fall” on the political spectrum; it descends with claws extended and fangs bared, rending errant ideologies asunder and gorging on their remains. Mere dogmatic labels can adequately capture neither the fierce independence nor the breathtakingly vast complexity of our range of opinion. But mainly liberal, yeah—real pinkos, sometimes.

 

REFLECTS POORLY ON ALTERNET

Hi,
Just discovered your site thru a link on AlterNet. Creeaagh, you are so rollickingly GOOD! Nailed “Minus Dickus” Cheney dead cold, by my own early-on “take,” not to mention later-discovered Mr. Stew Webb’s whistleblowin’ lights and Mr. Tom Flocco’s entirely non-defective intel. (You know ‘em to0? If not, check ‘em out!)

Two classes of congregant shall be turned on to a link to BuffaloBeast: One is the bloodywar-minded critics in the FriendlyOhYah Opposition’s inimitable ranks (in our back pews); the other is the repented ‘n’ Redeemed xconvix in the middle-to-front seats. Knowing ‘em all so well as I do, I expect a great time shall be had by all.

BTW: Word is out that black ops assassins have been authorized recently for damage control purposes. Webb, Hennigan and Flocco are most recently said to be on the Beltway hit list.

Protective prayer and shielding on all so targeted are clearly called for. Do you pray as well as you lampoon? Or have friends/associates who do? If so, kindly do pass the word to do the Right Thing as never before - and THANK YOU for your kind assistance in Heaven’s service.

One good parody is worth ten thousand of even the most intensely focused polemics. Keep up the Great Work! (Heaven bless thee too for all you do.)

0{:-)o<

-- With cordial bellyhowlin’ respect, Reverend Charlene WT Mann (ULC) First Peoples’ Church of the Forbidden Truth “John 8:32 is Just All Right by ME!” (A Global Funny Hat Medicine Society Affiliate and ICKR Curmudgeonry Licensure Agency) “Truth has value for its own sake. No mistake.”

 

Dear Reverend,
So, is this bipolar acid casualty speak for “I enjoy your work?”

 

RETROACTIVE THEFT

I’m wondering if Michael Gildea saw the latest episode of Family Guy, where Peter Griffin gets to do a segment on the local news called “you know what really grinds my gears?.” He used, pretty much verbatim, what Michael Gildea had said about Jessica Alba in edition #85’s Kino Korner, replacing Lindsay Lohan for Jessica Alba. Seems like the Family Guy writers are fans of the Buffalo Beast.

 Keep up the good work.
 -Dan Edstrom

 

Dear Dan,
Those bastards! We thought something was fishy when they did that episode where Stewie prank calls the mayor of Ottawa. No, actually Gildea has a temporal anomaly in his living room which he watches television through so he can plagiarize the future. It makes It a lot harder to sue.

 

MORE WORMHOLE NEWS

Hello:

 issue #89 November 30-December 14, 2005 Be A Diligent Jihadist

“And if anyone knows the real story about Abu Mussab al-Zarqawi-if he’s real, who the hell he is or why that matters......”

Newsweek June 19, 2006 The Editor’s Desk

“On Feb. 5, 2003, Secretary of State Colin Powell went before the United Nations to make the case for going to war with Iraq. Among his arguments: that the United States had solid evidence of ties between Saddam Hussein and a murderous Al Qaeda leader named Abu Mussab al-Zarqawi.”

Apparently Newsweek knew all along. Do you think they let Colin Powell in on it, or he leaked the information to Newsweek and they kept mum about it out of the goodness of their collective heart? The article goes on to say that a team of diligent Newsweek reporters published reports from intelligence sources linking Zarqawi to Iran, not Iraq. I suppose that information will come in handy in the next pre-emptive strike.

And Bush actually said something intelligent this week. Maybe those xians weren’t wrong about the end-times.

Kate in Kingston

 

Kate,
When did Bush say something intelligent? What was it, “I’m an idiot?” And how is it that you can quote an article published five days after you sent this e-mail? Are you in Gildea’s living room?

 

[sic] PUPPY

Wow, just found out about your mag from one of my writers, and after reading several pages of your vitriolic perversity I realized that I.....love you. I do. I want to rape your sarcasm.

Anyway, if you have a banner ad, send it on, as I’d love to hawk your shit. It is funny. I would also like to send some stuff your way, as most of the pussified pubs I write for don’t likey the name-calling and rough language. Which I like. A lot.

That said, have a nice day and skewer a bitch-ass Republicrat for me...

peace,
--
scott thill
editor
morphizm.com

Dear Scott,
What, and our vitriol is chopped liver? You cad, you! Well, sorry to disappoint, but you can’t rape our sarcasm—because our sarcasm is one eager slut.

 

HIP-HOPPING MAD

Editorial,
I am just curious, after all of the recent press, who is actually responsible for the disaster that the Tralf has become? Wasn’t this club always touted as “The Jewel of the Theatre District”? Now all we read about is stabbing’s, “melees,” and tenant disputes. What is this, an out of control high school? Who is in charge?

It would seem that the original mistake was for the new landlord to take a highly respected nightclub away from a legitimate operator and give it to a deceitful child. The second mistake was to then let this child run amuck, for the last two years, unsupervised. Anyone who has gone to the “New Tralf” has seen that the once lovely interior, fabulous staff, and terrific programming, has been replaced by a mess with a poor sound system, terrible service, and virtually no programming. Former patrons are left with hip hop parties and canceled concerts, not to mention the fact that the continued bad press leads everyone to believe that heading downtown now means putting one’s life at risk even at 7 p.m.! I can imagine the P.R. people at Shea’s, Studio Arena & The Irish Classical Theatre are working overtime to dispel this image. Does the city actually believe that people from the suburbs are going to buy tickets to shows in the theatre district next season if things don’t change? There goes your restaurant, parking and hotel dollars. Wave goodbye to that money right now.

Who is going to fix this? Is it the city? Is it the landlord? Certainly it is not the current operator. He obviously is incapable of an adult thought. The adult audience has nowhere left to go in this city to enjoy any music. The Tralf, under this current regime has been ruined & even the Town Ballroom has turned out to be a huge disappointment, with similar hip hop parties and young rock shows. Is there anyone capable of returning the Tralf to the “jewel” it once was? The adult music lovers in western New York hope so, as do all of those restaurant, parking and hotel workers who would like to keep their jobs.

Kathleen Lograsso
Buffalo, NY

 

Dear Kathleen,
We don’t know much about adult music, but there seem to be plenty of adult video stores around. Why don’t you check out a couple of those? Good luck keeping your downtown experiences melanin-free.

 

BEAST Blog

Idiot Box by Matt Bors
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