Ask Ann

Completely Original Advice
By Ann Coulter

Dear Ann,
My son has just entered his “terrible twos.” He’s become such a handful, I’m tempted to shoot him right in the face. My question is:  how do you stay so slim?
- A Mommy in Michigan

Dear Mommy,
Four score and seven years ago our fathers brought forth on this continent, a new nation, conceived in Liberty, and dedicated to the proposition that all men are created equal.

Now we are engaged in a great civil war, testing whether that nation, or any nation so conceived and so dedicated, can long endure. We are met on a great battle-field of that war. We have come to dedicate a portion of that field, as a final resting place for those who here gave their lives that that nation might live. It is altogether fitting and proper that we should do this.

Dear Ann,
I’m a high school junior who took a vow of abstinence but my boy friend is becoming impatient  for “you know what.” He says if he does me in the butt, we won’t go to hell. What do you think?
- Saving it for Salvation

Dear Saving it,
Call me Ishmael.

Dear Ann,
I am the grorious reader of very great an sef-reriant nation, which sharr remain nameress. Needress to say, as a divinery guided an unerring reader, I was much embarrassed a few weeks ago when I had probrems raunching and exproding my “rove missire.” When I can raunch them, they exprode prematurery. What can I do to sorve this firepower probrem?
- Illin’ in Pyongyang

Dear llin’,
To be or not to be, that is the question:
Whether 'tis nobler in the mind to suffer
The slings and arrows of outrageous fortune,
Or to take arms against a sea of troubles,
And by opposing, end them.

Dear Ann,
Seriously, what’s with your neck?
- Wondering in Wyoming

Dear Wondering,
It was the best of times, it was the worst of times, it was the age of wisdom, it was the age of foolishness, it was the epoch of belief, it was the epoch of incredulity, it was the season of light, it was the season of darkness, it was the spring of hope, it was the winter of despair, we had everything before us, we had nothing before us, we were all going direct to heaven, we were all going direct the other way--in short, the period was so far like the present period, that some of its noisiest authorities insisted on its being received, for good or for evil, in the superlative degree of comparison only.

Dear Ann,
Hi, this is “Wondering in Wyoming” again. You didn’t answer my question. My one friend keeps telling me your neck looks like that from deep throating the scaly cock of Satan, my other friend says your neck is an optical illusion caused by highly charged electrons striking the magnetosphere. Would you please tell me who is right?
- Still Wondering

Dear Still,
And there were shepherds living out in the fields nearby, keeping watch of their flocks at night. An angel of the Lord appeared to them, and the glory of the Lord shone around them, and they were terrified. But the angel said to them, "Do not be afraid. I bring you good news of great joy that will for all the people. Today in the town of David a Savior has been born to you; he is Christ the Lord.

Dear Ann,
Don’t you think this joke is getting old, already? I mean, yeah, I get it—you’re busted for plagiarism, But isn’t this just beating it to death?
- Bored in Buffalo