Local tales From our current issue:

WHL-Duh!
Local AM station bans BEAST after severe panty-bunching incident

Of BANANAs & Bonobos
BEAST scores watery blow against acronym proliferation

(more to come...)

Issue 103:


Paper of Wreckage
NYT reporters caught red-handed reporting.
Allan Uthman

Gay Marriage Threatens Gay Happiness
A Fabulous BEAST Editorial
Ian Murphy

Flag Football
How illegal should it be?
Rich Herschlag

Eternal Sunshine of the Heartless Brain
Fox News launches Santorum's Weapon of Mass Delusion.
Christopher Famighetti

Sinking the Ship
Let's impeach him already.
Stan Goff

Ask Ann Coulter
Completely original advice from the world's foremost dumbass.

Starving for Attention
Exclusive celebrity fasting diary excerpts.

Authorities reveal failed plot to kill everyone
in New York City with motherfucking behemoth
laser-guided remote controlled killer bees

What Would Tom Bosley Do?
You may regret asking.
N. Sorrenti

Man Makes Clever Joke about France Surrendering World Cup
Josh Righter

Page 3 Falsified Death

Kino Korner: Movies
Supterman, Pirates of the Carribean, Click, Devil Wears Prada.

Music review: Knife Crazy
Jacob Drun

BEAST-O-Scopes
Your cosmic fortune in insult form.

[sic] - Letters
Coulter-bashing, progeny tallies, the Bauerle conspiracy, & vacationing down under.


Pointless
Feeding the ultimate troll.
Al Uthman

Bananarama
Belafonte can't shake tally-man past.
Christopher Famighetti

A Small Rabbit out of a Big Hat
Pentagon media moguls cancel Zarqawi.
Stan Goff

Al Qaeda Idol
Vote for the next #2!

The BEAST Conservative Q&A
Answering questions that plague Republicans.

Five Questions...
for WGRZ anchor Ron Plants!

Coping with Road Rage
What can you do?
Scott Borchert

Hammer Hits Hollywood
The Big Buy: Tom DeLay’s Stolen Congress
Movie Review by Matt Cale

Stormtrooping for Dollars
Blog by boys in blue bodes badly for Buffalo

Power Tool
Brian Higgins, the enemy within

 


Starving for Attention
The intimate thoughts of true heroes

Beginning July 4th, Cindy Sheehan and several peace activist groups such as Code Pink and Gold Star Mothers for Peace embarked on a harrowing 2-month hunger strike to end the occupation of Iraq and bring the troops home.

Other supporters are participating in a “rolling” fast, in which they bravely deprive themselves of nutrition for an entire 24 hours, at which point they “pass” the hunger strike onto someone else.

Several conscientious celebrities have joined the noble cause, eschewing the luxury of their privileged existence and suffering the dangerous and debilitating effects of starvation for a whole day. This sacrifice is a true representation of their level of commitment to the antiwar cause. The BEAST has been lucky enough to obtain excerpts from some of these celebrities’ day-long hunger strike diaries. We are honored to share these candid insights of celebrity suffering and heroism with our readers.

 

Hour 3:  I have always firmly believed that breakfast is the most important meal of the day, but on this trying day peace is so much more important, than say, delicious eggs benedict or a huge, fluffy pile of waffles covered with strawberries, powdered sugar and overflowing with pure Vermont maple syrup and whipped cream. The pain in my empty stomach is almost unbearable. This must be what it feels like to get shot in battle. I am now a true warrior for peace. My hunger and suffering has brought me a mental clarity, which I have never known. For instance: I just realized I am married to Tim Robbins the actor and not Tom Robbins the novelist – I had never really noticed that before. Only 21 hours left, 8 of which I plan on sleeping through, so let’s say 13 hours left. Come on, Sarandon, you can do this! Time to get tough – like you would have in Erin Brockovich – if it weren’t for that big-lipped bitch Julia Roberts! What a cunt, I hate her! It’s time to prove to the Bushistas that when you mess with the country – you mess with the power of celebrities.  I only hope I have the strength to keep my pedicure appointment. If I don’t go that little Korean bitch has the nerve to charge me like she’s some kind of goddamn doctor! I hate her almost as much as I hate war and Julia Roberts. I’m beginning to feel faint. I don’t know how much longer I can last. If I die at least I will be remembered as a true American hero, just like Gandhi.

xoxoxo

- Susan Sarandon

 

Hour 6:  I am totally fucking hungry. I have never fully appreciated how hard it must have been for the civil disobedience pioneer Ben Kingsley. Perhaps that is why he won the Oscar. Ben Kingsley was a great, hungry man – not like the TV dinners of the same name – he wouldn’t have eaten one because he was a cool dude who had a purpose. His purpose was to end India’s oppressive colonial rule by the Roman Empire and that is exactly what he did. Through pure determination he was able to affect change through a hunger strike and I am only walking in that brave man’s footprints. I too, have a purpose and that makes me a cool dude. This war is most uncool, unrighteous and non-awesome, for sure. And that is why I am sacrificing so much.

Rest in peace, Ben Kingsley, wherever you are – I wouldn’t be able to do this without your strength as inspiration.

I am going to fucking pig out at Jack in the Box tomorrow.

-Sean Penn

 

Hour 15:  Willie growing tired. Willie very tired. Willie now too weak to even sing, strum or smoke pot. Willie going crazy! Willie’s hands out of Willie’s control. They keep stroking a cat but Willie doesn’t own a cat. Willie allergic to cat dander. Willie losing mind with hunger! Willie finding inner strength to smoke pot. Willie calming. Willie calm. Willie feels nostalgic for warmth of Earl Scruggs. Willie sees mammon personified, riding a cheetah/moose chimera, glowering above me in the swirling wonder that is Willie’s ceiling fan. Willie does have the best drugs. Willie combating munchies for peace. Willie going to dip pony tails in own blood to scribe sacred haikus.

Willie may hate war but Willie have many bills. Willie have to go call Toby Keith for another duet, even though Willie would never give beer to horses in real life.

Willie hasn’t been this hungry since Willie spent a full fortnight making love and doing back flips. Willie’s biodiesel Mercedes smells like French fries, and Willie salivates mercilessly. Willie's shirt is all spitty.

Yours Willie,

Willie Nelson

 

Hour 23: I’m getting too old for this shit.

-Danny Glover

 

BEAST Blog

Idiot Box by Matt Bors
Big Fat Whale by Brian McFadden
Perry Bible Fellowship by Nicholas Gurewitch
Bob the Angry Flower by Stephen Notely
Deep Fried by Jason Yungbluth

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