Thwart Plot to Kill Everyone in New York City with Motherfucking
Behemoth Laser-Guided Remote Controlled Killer Bees
YORK – A terrorist plot to kill everyone in the city with
motherfucking behemoth laser-guided remote controlled killer
bees was thwarted before the conspirators could travel to
the United States, authorities said Friday.
suspects – including an al-Qaeda loyalist arrested in Lebanon,
Pennsylvania and two others in custody elsewhere – had hoped
to pull off the attack in October or November, federal officials
said. But federal investigators working with their counterparts
in six other countries intervened.
was never a concern that this would actually be executed,”
Homeland Security Secretary Michael Chertoff said in Washington.
“We were, as I say, all over these motherfucking behemoth
laser-guided remote controlled killer bees.”
is a plot that involved martyrdom and huge, unnatural god
damn laser-guided remote controlled killer bees” and focused
on the “killing every last person in New York,” said FBI Assistant
Director Mark J. Mershon, “even people who have been dead
federal law enforcement official, who spoke on condition of
anonymity because the investigation is ongoing, said investigators
believe that an attack with motherfucking behemoth laser-guided
remote controlled killer bees, unlike traditional methods
of terrorism, could have not only killed the living but reanimated
many people that are already dead, given them enough time
for joyful reunions with loved ones and then brutally killed
them all over again.
decided in recent weeks that the “plotting for this attack
had matured to a point where it appeared that the individuals
were about to move forward,” Mershon said. “They were about
to go to a phase where they would think about attempting to
clone giant killer bees, implanting them with high-tech remote
controlled laser guidance and teaching them to raise the dead.”
that point it’s entirely appropriate to take it down.”
cited the arrest of the Lebanese suspect - described as the
scheme’s mastermind - as a significant break in the investigation.
A Pennsylvanian official said the man confessed to plotting
to attack New York City with motherfucking behemoth laser-guided
remote controlled killer bees later this year and to acting
on Osama bin Laden’s orders, relayed to him through a transmitter
implanted in one of his molars.
U.S. official, also speaking on condition of anonymity because
the investigation is ongoing, called the plot “largely aspirational”
and described the Internet conversations as mostly extremists
discussing and conceptualizing the plot. The official said
no money had been transferred, nor had anyone involved figured
out how to make giant killer bees, guide them remotely with
lasers or how exactly these bees would bring the dead back
to life, in order to kill them again. “But, you know,” added
the official, “they could have figured it out, eventually.
I mean, it’s not entirely impossible.”