The BEAST Page 3
Falsified Death

Name: Ken Lay

Turn-ons: Money, cash, wealth, opulence, decadence, riches, capital, funds, greenbacks, luxury, simoleans, currency.

Turn-offs: Comeuppance, justice, accountability, angry ex-employess, minimum security prison.

How I got to be The BEAST Page 3 Falsified Death: Jesus, what does it take to rig a jury trial these days? I was the goddamn president’s single biggest contributor, and I can’t even get a case dismissed on a technicality? I may have screwed my employees out of their life savings, but really, have you seen these people? Total philistines. Those plebes wouldn’t know what to do with the money anyway—they could never appreciate my fondness for platinum bathroom fixtures, nor could they understand why a guy like me just needs to own at least 15 giant houses at all times. So I get convicted. What other choice did I have? If I hadn’t “died” before sentencing, they would have gotten my money. And it’s mine, dammit—if it was theirs, then how come they don’t already have it, right? Seriously—fuck poor people; they stink and they have no style.

Future Plans: I’ll be kicking around this secret island in the South Pacific for now, which is pretty cool, although I only have one giant house and Elvis is a lousy neighbor. Oh sure, it’s cool at first, but once you get past the “wow, that’s really Elvis” phase, you realize the guy is just an inconsiderate jerk. Loud music all the time, beer cans all over the lawn—it’s disgusting! In a little while I’ll send someone to retrieve the $400 million I tucked away in the Caymans. Till then, I’ll be looking through this catalog of faces the plastic surgeon gave me. I’m leaning towards a full Hasselhoff. I’m also hoping to get in a couple of major orgies before I send for the wife.

How I’d like to be remembered: As a tragic figure whose plight is often referred to as “Shakespearean” in bootlicking retrospectives. Also look for me to turn up as “Lay-Boy” on the next Tupac record. He’s much more civilized than you’d think.