Local tales From our current issue:

WHL-Duh!
Local AM station bans BEAST after severe panty-bunching incident

Of BANANAs & Bonobos
BEAST scores watery blow against acronym proliferation

(more to come...)

Issue 103:


Paper of Wreckage
NYT reporters caught red-handed reporting.
Allan Uthman

Gay Marriage Threatens Gay Happiness
A Fabulous BEAST Editorial
Ian Murphy

Flag Football
How illegal should it be?
Rich Herschlag

Eternal Sunshine of the Heartless Brain
Fox News launches Santorum's Weapon of Mass Delusion.
Christopher Famighetti

Sinking the Ship
Let's impeach him already.
Stan Goff

Ask Ann Coulter
Completely original advice from the world's foremost dumbass.

Starving for Attention
Exclusive celebrity fasting diary excerpts.

Authorities reveal failed plot to kill everyone
in New York City with motherfucking behemoth
laser-guided remote controlled killer bees

What Would Tom Bosley Do?
You may regret asking.
N. Sorrenti

Man Makes Clever Joke about France Surrendering World Cup
Josh Righter

Page 3 Falsified Death

Kino Korner: Movies
Supterman, Pirates of the Carribean, Click, Devil Wears Prada.

Music review: Knife Crazy
Jacob Drun

BEAST-O-Scopes
Your cosmic fortune in insult form.

[sic] - Letters
Coulter-bashing, progeny tallies, the Bauerle conspiracy, & vacationing down under.


Pointless
Feeding the ultimate troll.
Al Uthman

Bananarama
Belafonte can't shake tally-man past.
Christopher Famighetti

A Small Rabbit out of a Big Hat
Pentagon media moguls cancel Zarqawi.
Stan Goff

Al Qaeda Idol
Vote for the next #2!

The BEAST Conservative Q&A
Answering questions that plague Republicans.

Five Questions...
for WGRZ anchor Ron Plants!

Coping with Road Rage
What can you do?
Scott Borchert

Hammer Hits Hollywood
The Big Buy: Tom DeLay’s Stolen Congress
Movie Review by Matt Cale

Stormtrooping for Dollars
Blog by boys in blue bodes badly for Buffalo

Power Tool
Brian Higgins, the enemy within

 


The BEAST Page 3
Falsified Death

Name: Ken Lay

Turn-ons: Money, cash, wealth, opulence, decadence, riches, capital, funds, greenbacks, luxury, simoleans, currency.

Turn-offs: Comeuppance, justice, accountability, angry ex-employess, minimum security prison.

How I got to be The BEAST Page 3 Falsified Death: Jesus, what does it take to rig a jury trial these days? I was the goddamn president’s single biggest contributor, and I can’t even get a case dismissed on a technicality? I may have screwed my employees out of their life savings, but really, have you seen these people? Total philistines. Those plebes wouldn’t know what to do with the money anyway—they could never appreciate my fondness for platinum bathroom fixtures, nor could they understand why a guy like me just needs to own at least 15 giant houses at all times. So I get convicted. What other choice did I have? If I hadn’t “died” before sentencing, they would have gotten my money. And it’s mine, dammit—if it was theirs, then how come they don’t already have it, right? Seriously—fuck poor people; they stink and they have no style.

Future Plans: I’ll be kicking around this secret island in the South Pacific for now, which is pretty cool, although I only have one giant house and Elvis is a lousy neighbor. Oh sure, it’s cool at first, but once you get past the “wow, that’s really Elvis” phase, you realize the guy is just an inconsiderate jerk. Loud music all the time, beer cans all over the lawn—it’s disgusting! In a little while I’ll send someone to retrieve the $400 million I tucked away in the Caymans. Till then, I’ll be looking through this catalog of faces the plastic surgeon gave me. I’m leaning towards a full Hasselhoff. I’m also hoping to get in a couple of major orgies before I send for the wife.

How I’d like to be remembered: As a tragic figure whose plight is often referred to as “Shakespearean” in bootlicking retrospectives. Also look for me to turn up as “Lay-Boy” on the next Tupac record. He’s much more civilized than you’d think.

 

BEAST Blog

Idiot Box by Matt Bors
Big Fat Whale by Brian McFadden
Perry Bible Fellowship by Nicholas Gurewitch
Bob the Angry Flower by Stephen Notely
Deep Fried by Jason Yungbluth

e-mail the evil editors at sic@buffalobeast.com
John Stossel's Invisible Handjob
The Great Buffalo-Ottawa Mayoral Prank
I'm with Stupid: Tony Snow
10 Questions for Scott McClellan
Ask Dr. Cruise
Guide to Post-9/11 Opportunism
GWB's Rapture Report
Iraqi Civil War Chess Set
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