Cancer (June 21-July 22)

Cancer, I don’t know what your obsession is with this “goatse” fella, but let me just say he is no role model for your children.

Leo (July 23-Aug. 22)

Leo, let Maury Povich serve as your cosmic inspiration this fortnight. You are to study his M.O. of torturing people who are terrified of innocuous things like balloons and cheese. Take these lessons and apply them to your everyday life, but use genuinely threatening objects like knives and guns. Only then will you find true happiness. Also, it wouldn’t hurt to marry an Asian woman.

Virgo (Aug 23-Sept 22)

I have consulted the stars extensively on this one, Virgo and we both agree:  you could die at any minute, but you should finish watching “Blind Date” because you’re just not smart enough to accomplish anything of real merit. And no, your vast collection of objects that interest you solely does not count.

Libra (Sept 23 –Oct 22)

Libra, when you call someone a second time after they don’t call you back, that’s normal. When you call them a third, fourth and fifth time, that’s desperate. When you call them another few times, that’s creepy. When you keep calling after that, and leaving vaguely threatening messages, that’s stalking. When you call them after they’ve taken you to court, that’s a dangerous obsession. But when you call them from jail, that’s just stupid. Sorry about that, Libra. Hey, I get out in a month—what are you doing then?

Scorpio (Oct 23-Nov 21)

Scorpio, the Mentos-in-the-Diet-Coke trick officially died when WGRZ’s Chesley McNeil did a segment on it. Understand: when the local news people in Buffalo find out about something, that officially means everyone has seen it. Now you’re just making a big, gross mess and attracting ants. Time to move on, Scorpio.

Sagittarius (Nov 22 – Dec 21)

Sagittarius, just because Israel invaded Lebanon, that doesn’t mean you should start giving away your worldly goods in anticipation of the rapture. For one, this might just be a temporary skirmish. Two, it’s not really very likely that Tim LaHaye knows what he’s talking about. But even if this is the end times and Judgment Day is coming, you’re still a total asshole, and you’re going to feel pretty stupid getting “left behind” without your pornography collection. That doesn’t mean I won’t take it off your hands, though.

Capricorn (Dec 22 – Jan 19)

Capricorn, stop it. No, seriously—I’ve seen you. You need to stop right now, before things get out of control. You know what I’m talking about. Cut it out now, Capricorn, or I’ll tell someone. No, I’m not kidding. Yeah, you’re my friend, but some things are just too weird to be covered by that insurance. I can’t even look you in the eye anymore. Seriously, Capricorn—what the fuck?

Aquarius (Jan 20-Feb 18)

Yes, Aquarius, you have a nice car. Now stop bragging about it. Nobody likes a guy who lords his possessions over the rest of us. You really think anyone wants to come outside just to look at your car? It’s a Mustang, Aquarius, not a friggin’ Lamborghini. And if you’re going to force someone to listen to how great the stereo system is, for god’s sake, don’t make them listen to that goddamn Silverchair album. Have you no mercy?

Pisces (Feb 19-March 20)

Hey Pisces, I just wanted to say thanks for towing my car the other day. I really hadn’t been getting very much excercise this summer, and having no car really provided me with the incentive necessary to start riding my bike more often. Since you took my car, I’ve been riding that thing everywhere! It’s been really good for my energy level, and we both know I could stand to drop a few pounds. Hope you die, Pisces.

Aries (March 21-April 19)

Aries, I hate to tell you this, but that bacon double cheeseburger you ate last night gave you Mad Cow Disease. Just kidding! Actually, it’s called New Variant Creutzfeld-Jakob Disease when contracted by humans. Better get your affairs in order before the giggles set in.

Taurus (April 20-May 20)

Taurus, spending all of your money on Proactiv solution will not make you look like Jessica Simpson. You don’t even have acne for Christ’s sake. Plus you’re, what, 340 pounds? And a man? On the bright side, I’d say you’re almost as smart as she is.

Gemini (May 21 –June 20)

Gemini, you needn’t worry yourself about the North Korean missile tests. Even that Taepodong can’t make it far enough to reach the contiguous 48 states. Oh, wait—you moved to Anchorage, didn’t you? Oh. Well. Nice knowing you, Gemini.