Local tales From our current issue:

WHL-Duh!
Local AM station bans BEAST after severe panty-bunching incident

Of BANANAs & Bonobos
BEAST scores watery blow against acronym proliferation

(more to come...)

Issue 103:


Paper of Wreckage
NYT reporters caught red-handed reporting.
Allan Uthman

Gay Marriage Threatens Gay Happiness
A Fabulous BEAST Editorial
Ian Murphy

Flag Football
How illegal should it be?
Rich Herschlag

Eternal Sunshine of the Heartless Brain
Fox News launches Santorum's Weapon of Mass Delusion.
Christopher Famighetti

Sinking the Ship
Let's impeach him already.
Stan Goff

Ask Ann Coulter
Completely original advice from the world's foremost dumbass.

Starving for Attention
Exclusive celebrity fasting diary excerpts.

Authorities reveal failed plot to kill everyone
in New York City with motherfucking behemoth
laser-guided remote controlled killer bees

What Would Tom Bosley Do?
You may regret asking.
N. Sorrenti

Man Makes Clever Joke about France Surrendering World Cup
Josh Righter

Page 3 Falsified Death

Kino Korner: Movies
Supterman, Pirates of the Carribean, Click, Devil Wears Prada.

Music review: Knife Crazy
Jacob Drun

BEAST-O-Scopes
Your cosmic fortune in insult form.

[sic] - Letters
Coulter-bashing, progeny tallies, the Bauerle conspiracy, & vacationing down under.


Pointless
Feeding the ultimate troll.
Al Uthman

Bananarama
Belafonte can't shake tally-man past.
Christopher Famighetti

A Small Rabbit out of a Big Hat
Pentagon media moguls cancel Zarqawi.
Stan Goff

Al Qaeda Idol
Vote for the next #2!

The BEAST Conservative Q&A
Answering questions that plague Republicans.

Five Questions...
for WGRZ anchor Ron Plants!

Coping with Road Rage
What can you do?
Scott Borchert

Hammer Hits Hollywood
The Big Buy: Tom DeLay’s Stolen Congress
Movie Review by Matt Cale

Stormtrooping for Dollars
Blog by boys in blue bodes badly for Buffalo

Power Tool
Brian Higgins, the enemy within

 


OVERSTATES THE CASE

Anything Ann Coulter says or does defies imagination.  Even in hell, one would be hard pressed to imagine such a demon.  I doubt if Satan would even allow her a spot in his domain.  Perhaps  there is some place even below that where she could sit alone and ruminate over her worthlessly trashy invectives.  I have a feeling if she did show up in hell, it would be like the story of the man who fell into the gutter with a smelly stinking pig and refused to stay.  Or she reminds me of the monkey who said people like Ann Coulter certainly did not descend from his genus because no simian would know the filth that rolls off her tongue, nor would any simian treat even their worst enemies the way she does with impugnity. Further, feeling that Ann Coulter would get her just deserts in the burning inferno of the fiery lake in Hell would be enough to cause everyone else to become Christian just to escape writhing in the fire and brimstone  with such a snake.

  MPM

Anything, MPM? So, if Ann Coulter has a martini, say, and then goes to the bathroom to snort a rail, that defies the imagination? Or if she goes home, eats a sandwich and takes a shower, does that defy the imagination? Or if she diddles herself with a gun while reading passages from Mein Kampf and smearing herself with pig blood, would that defy the imagination? We think not. Well, maybe the sandwich.

 

[sic]OTHERAPY

Thanks for putting my anger (loss of words) into a well written opinion. I not longer need to speak her name, I feel better.

Sincerely,
Michael J. Melvin

Hey, that’s what we do, Mike. Convert your anger into political essays, thereby relieving you of negative emotions. That’ll be $3,894.

 

PUNK-TUATION

YEs,Ann Coulter writes like a twelve year old.Its a great ploy and sells a lot of books because that is all the Republicans can fathom.It is just like a couple of twelve year olds insulting each other.Your mom is so fat fat hat when she walks around the house,she WALKS around the house.You are so ugly they had to tie meat around your neck to get the dog to play with you.This is what the Right wingers understand.Yes,you are,but what am I?

  There was an old saying"In the land of the blind,the man with one eye is king.In the Bush Administration it would be in the land of the brainless thr man with one brain cell would be king.George Bush has one snarling growling heartless brain cell,Karl Rove.And the 30 per centers drop to their knees and pray to their king and blindly follow him.

Scott

Scott,
You’re supposed to hit the space bar after commas and periods. Please make a note of it.

 

OLD MAN HAS KIDS

I just read the article Allan Uthman wrote about Ann Coulter, and I agree with it all. I'm just a little old retired mailman down here in Key West Fl. but I keep up with what is happening in our country, and people like her is what is causing our demise.Mr Uthman should be on T.V---why can't people with a Democratic view of our Government have their own shows too? The only person I see who speaks for us Keith Oberman,my wife and I watch his show every night.           

                                 Anway,I just wanted to express my thanks for good people like Mr Allan Uthman for fighting back against these evil people.By the way we are very religous and have 5 children,4 girls and one son. Ann Coulter has the gaul to say Democrats aren't religous or GODLESS.Take care, sincerely Bobby Pazo

               P.S-by the way, where can I find a biography of Ann Coulter?

Dear Bobby,
There’ll be plenty of time to read Coulter’s biography in Hell. Congratulations on sharing the predominant delusion. Why should we care how many kids you have?

 

PREMATURE PREDICTION

What a fantastic article you wrote about Ann the Beast.  I, too, for many years have said she writes like a fourteen-year-old boy; you said twelve - I guess I've been giving her way too much credit!  I also cannot wade through an entire one of her diatribes she calls commentary without feeling like I'm going to hurl.  I do believe, however, that she shot herself in the foot with this last go-round of widow-bashing.  On one show that I reluctantly watched for just a moment (when she's on it's like driving by a car accident - you slow down, realize there's nothing important, and then speed off) she was debating a gal who said that Ann was doing the exact same thing that she accused the 'Jersey Girls' of doing.  Her retort - a big eye roll.  That's when I knew she was done.  Thank God.  Keep up the good work!!!

Barbara Harrison
Pres., Craven Co. Democratic Women
Happily married Mother of Two, Grandma of one

Dear Barbara,
What is with the feebs and their need to give us a tally of their offspring? We took 3 craps today, but we’re not signing off on our e-mails with that information. Except this one, of course.

 

SHRILL & LAZY

Hi, I just read your article, and applaud you calling Man Coulter a troll.  However you flatter her/him by calling it a writer.

There are increasing indications that her/his book is a "direct lift" of several other authors.

She/he/it is not even good enough to be called a writer.  Scribe/hack is more accurate.

KJLovell

Even more accurate: demented asshole. So, how many kids you got?

 

THE DEVIL IN MISS COULTER

Wouldn't it be wonderful if problems like Ann Coulter would go away if we all just ignored them?

I used to hear the same kind of rationalization about racism. Don't confront people who make racist comments with the "R" word, I was advised, back in the early '80s. It just draws attention to them! And so racists quickly figured out that so long as they didn't actually say the word "nigger" or wear sheets, they could get away with just about any outrageously racist comment. Racism was so steadily reintroduced into the mainstream that by the time THE BELL CURVE was published there were conservatives who could say, with a straight face, that writing a book positing a sigificant and unchangeable intellectual gap between black Americans and white Americans was not racist because the authors were well-spoken and educated.

Unfortunately, Coulter serves the same function that Julius Streicher did in Germany in the early thirties.  Like Streicher, she is not taken seriously by most educated people, and like Streicher she serves as a sort of shock-troop, introducing ideas that initially shock, become less outrageous as they are repeated, and eventually become a "normal" part of political discourse. She is laying the groundwork for the overt rather than the covert rejection of political freedom in this country, getting people used to the idea of seeing liberals and Democrats, not just as people who disagree with Bush, but as enemies of the state.

Her fans are not going to get embarrassed, stop reading her, stop believing her, and stop repeating her nonsense if liberals start ignoring her, as much as we'd like to believe it. The mainstream is not going to stop steadiy ingesting her message and folding it into mainstream attitudes if liberals start ignoring her. Instead, the process by which her statements are mainstreamed will accelerate, and the insane notions we earlier ignored and hoped would vanish will resurface, reworded perhaps but still firmly entrenched in "normal" American political discourse.

Pamela Troy

Yes, Pamela, accusations of racism were all too rare in those backwards ‘80s.

 

LIKE FLYPAPER FOR SCHIZOS

Dear Beast:

I USED to enjoy listening to "Tommy Boy" UNTIL he turned into a facist, brown-nosed, Republican, rationalizing and self-righteous snob.

This email MAY sound "crazy," but I just wanted to tell SOMEONE some FACTS about Tom Bauerle.

As you know, Bauerle LOVES to brag about his guns and ammo-His HUGE network of friends in law-enforcement and of course, his "pride" in being a Republican (for his JOB'S sake, I'm sure).

While living in kind, lovely Amherst/Snyder several years ago, I seemed NOT to have "kissed several police officers asses" the "proper way" and was deemed some kind of menace (this ISN'T paranoia, it gets BETTER).

Harassed by the Amherst Police to the point where they literally TOLD ME to move out of Amherst (I'm big, but VERY harmless) and after a few years of harassment and profiling, I moved out of Snyder, but that's when Bauerle began using information from his Law Enforcement friends in kind of a sadistic way.

There are coincidences and there is psychosis.

While being mentally ill (OCD/Panic Disorder), while listening to WBEN every day,  I noticed the VERY OBVIOUS pattern

of Tom Bauerle making references to "obeying the police" and all kinds of PR statements which over time, lead into insults.

Bauerle, at the behest of his Law Enforcement friends (at ALL levels and with all kinds of hi-tech) should have just spoken my name and address on his morning show, as he was getting information on me through hi-tech/surveillence, courtesty of his fellow sadists.

I'm sounding kind of nuts, aren't I?

Bauerle either values his HUGE connection to the Law Enforcement community and/or is just a miserable, facist sadist.

Just wanted you to know that as much as I LOVED your attempt to play a practical joke on "Tommy Boy" with the cat art, I'm glad that you didn't because he WOULD have used his "pals" to make YOUR life MISERABLE.  Trust me on this.

For the record, I have NOTHING against law enforcement on ANY level.  I simply despise cowards, sadists, perverts and any other simpletons who abuse their power(s).

I was "profiled" while living in Snyder (no Buffalo) for no LOGICAL reason, unless my crazy emails (journals) to myself that were probably intercepted by those in power deemed me to be public enemy #1.

Here's just ONE expression of "love" from the APD AND the Buffalo S.W.A.T. Team:Several years ago, an Amherst patrol car pulled up behind me on Kenmore Ave, followed by an Amherst patrol car pulling in front of me coming off of Niagra Falls Boulevard.

At Kenmore and Starin, with APD cruisers and front and back of me, guess who was coming towards us in the opposite lane on Kenmore Ave?   Buffalo S.W.A.T.!

After being "kind enough" to veer off into the parking lot of the "Schvitz Club" on Kenmore Ave, the Amherst cops and the Buffalo S.W.A.T. got out of their respective vehicles and had a good laugh, at my expense.

Not to mention when I was at the 'Tim Hortons' on main street (near the Thruway exit) and was speaking to some plainclothes, alcoholic asshole while a APD cruiser was taping the entire conversation.

I remember the clown I was speaking with "casually" telling me information that ONLY could have come off of my telephone and/or computer, in his "clever" demeanor and repeatedly saying that "they (the Police) leave me (him) alone.

Only FURIOUS because of this incessant UNWARRANTED harassment that everybody's favorite nazi-boy, Tom Bauerle (and Beach) KNOW ABOUT through their VERY extensive law enforcement contacts.

This is NO "crank" letter and I KNOW (with modern technology and my LACK of privacy) that this email is/will be read.

I have very little to lose (other than my life) at this point.

I'm very tired, but just wanted you, the editors at "The Beast" to know what an evil, ruthless and miserable bastard (DANGEROUS bastard) Tom Bauerle really is.

Its a shame that  power leads to self-aggrandizing, cruel behavior, regardless of

any codes of conduct/decorum and "common sense."

I USED to LOVE listening to Bauerle, but as intelligent as the guy is, he's either BRAINWASHED or actually too afraid of speaking the truth (and losing his job, peer resepect).

Nice try with the cat artwork, though.

Sincerely,
Scott D. Snitzer (might as well put my name down, I have NO privacy).


Well Scott, we’re not brainwashed or afraid of speaking the truth. And the truth is you’re fucking bonkers.

 

E-BLABBER

You guys flat out rule.  Crisp, clever writing and insight coupled with funny pictures.  What more is there?
Anyhow, I wish you had a forum.  This is the interet.  Chrissakes- where's your fucking forum?!

Jeremy Derifield

Jeremy,
We’ll get right on it. After all, if one thing we need, it’s more moronic internet correspondence to monitor.

 

BLAH BLAH TOM CRUISE

I totally agree with your description of Cruise. If one day he looses his “pretty” face there is absolutely nothing behind. I hate his technological empty movies.

I’ve never understood how an actress like Nicole Kidman could be ten years with such a crazy snooty...

In adition to that I am sick of his stupid story with Holmes. It seems that he lives in order to get nice articles of  “look how perfect and happy they are” he became a slave of his public. He is more worry about them than about himself. I think poor and young Katie is a victime of a washbrain from his megalomaniac fucked up boyfriend.

Anyway,
Natalia Suarez

Dear Natalia,
Anyway what? What does that mean, “anyway, Natalia Suarez?” Like “Natalia Suarez” is some kind of topical statement? Sheesh, talk about narcissism.

 

DAMN FOREIGNER

Dear Beast,

I'm writing this from New Zealand, (before you start,yes! it is as mind bogglingly dull here as you have been led to belive) to say hello and, I have a job for you.

Please fly your collective arses down here and take back an infestation of US Evangelical fruit cakes; they're fucking everywhere. They have that nauseating paternalistic 'we're here to help you woe-begotten Kiwis find god' air about them.

Before you start, I do my bit and stand in the car parks trying my best to re-evangelise the generally in-bread mutants, and weak as puss human cyborgs that fall for this 'end times' crapp, but what can one decent Kiwi bloke do by his lonesome.

I like your style, or rather lack thereof, and I was just thinking a couple of American accents trashing this shit might carry more weight than my antipodaen yammerings.

What do you say?

Rob.

Dear Rob,
We can harass Evangelical fruitcakes just fine from here, but we’re not about to waste our time flying for a day and a half just to hang out in parking lots and yell at them. We will take an all-expenses-paid vacation to NZ, but only if we can spend the time fomenting aggression against Australia, just for fun.

 

A LITTLE LATE

Matt Taibbi, one of your contributors, asks tough questions.  A guy like that ought to be sitting in on a White House press conference.  Of course, they'd probably "escort" him out.
He did a super job on the "Mean Sweep" article.  Please pass on my appreciation.  Thank you, Helene Jackson, McNeal, AZ

Dear Helene,
For all we know, Matt actually is sitting in the White House press room right now. We hope he took his blow-darts and curare with him.

 

BEAST Blog

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