July 6 - Aug 8, 2006
ISSUE #104
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Features

Killing for Peace
"Premature" ceasefires and other wacky nonsense
Al Uthman

Oprah Akbar
BTUs & CSI are our best weapons against terrorism
Donnie Dobovich

Suport our Unborn Troops
An Evangelical Editorial by Ian Murphy

Are You Anti-Semitic?
Das BEAST Pop Quiz!

Heard the Good News?
Real messages of apocalyptic hope

Local BEAST

WHL-Duh
Local AM station bans BEAST after severe panty-bunching incident

Of BANANAs & Bonobos
BEAST scores watery blow against acronym proliferation

Departments

Page 3 New & Improved Sabres Jersey

Kino Korner: Movies
Lady in the Water, Clerks II, Little Man, My Super Ex-Girlfriend, Strangers With Candy

BEAST-O-Scopes
Your cosmic fortune in insult form.

[sic] - Letters
Bad Cop, Coulter, Pastries and more Moses



Lady In The Water | Clerks II | You Me And Dupree
Little Man | My Super Ex-Girlfriend | Strangers With Candy


Lady in the Water

 

Maybe I'm one of the few here, but I never really got M. Night Shyamalan. I understood generally what was going on, but when one of his trademark twists was revealed, I would just let out a reasonably deflated oh or maybe a disappointed that's it? Oh sure, the man makes a good-looking movie and he can build suspense with the best of them, but I really can't figure out why the hell anyone cares. I generally just felt like I watched the most drawn-out and pointless episode of The Twilight Zone ever aired.

Admittedly, The Sixth Sense was interesting and different. You knew something was up and because it was Shyamalan's first big movie you weren't sure what. You found out what the twist was, an otherwise third-base date turned into a homerun and all was right with the world. Then with Unbreakable, Signs, and The Village you realized that you weren't so much in love as you were well-courted, and the honeymoon was over.

When I say courted, there's a specific meaning there. Let's take the most intense or meaningful relationship you've ever had in your life. I'm talking years here. At first everyone's agreeable. Hell, you're so into this person that you'd go for a day of running puppies over with lawnmowers just to be with them. You dig this person on a monumental level and you'll do anything to keep them around. Even that.

So a couple months, weeks, whatever go by and you're a little more reluctant to dislocate your jaw for them. You're sick of that one restaurant. You're not as willing to feign interest in sports as you once were. And Sweet Jesus, you didn't know a band could suck as much as Hawthorne Heights could and if you have to hear them one more goddamned time someone's getting stabbed goddammit!

My point here is that Shyamalan doesn't seem to care as much as he used to. He'sgotten off point and doesn't mind if masturbation is your main source of sexualgratification. He gave you a movie that was somewhat impressive when he firstgot going, but as his career progressed you really couldn't care. It was betterto let him think he was impressing you despite the fact that his work was gettingprogressively worse. And if you've let someone lap away between your legs foran hour at a time because you just don't have the heart to tell him he's gotno business whatsoever down there, you know what I mean. Oh sure. Of course Iliked it. It's kind of like pizza that way; even if it's not great it's stillgood.

So last we saw Shyamalan, he was getting his ass handed to him by the criticsfor the too-little-too-late The Village. The time you put into viewing it wasn'tquite worth it, William Hurt had reached a new level of boring and who's thatDallas Howard chick were the only three thoughts I remember having when I rememberthat I actually did in fact see The Village. Don't get me wrong, it was by nostretch of the imagination the worst movie I ever saw but I expected a lot morefrom Shyamalan. So the man went back to the drawing board, did an American Expressad and came up with Lady in the Water. He gets cool dumpy guy Paul Giamatti toplay Schneider from One Day at a Time as an apartment building maintenance guywho finds a water nymph that allows Shyamalan to reteam with Dallas Howard. Thisnymph tells Giamatti that she's sent to inspire some political author to writean important work that will lead to their assassination. Big character, right?So Shyamalan, being the kind of guy to stick himself in every one of his movies,decides to give himself a little signature as this big role. I don't need towatch this cat stare into a mirror and tell himself you're okay I'm okay becausea bunch of fat, white men didn't like his last movie. Cry me a river, man. Let'sturn some bedtime stories you invented for your daughters into a movie, becausethat redhead who's going to be in the next Spider-Man would make a pretty clutchnaked pixie (I know there's a difference between a water nymph and a pixie, justindulge me) and you could stick some messed up critters in there. Yeah, I'm thinkingit's the family film, he proclaims. He shares this with his kids. Yay!

Quick side note˘the thing that always pissed me off about Shyamalan was that he'd stick himself in the 3rd act. At least when Hitchcock would do it he'd get the cameo out of the way before the end of the first so you could pay attention to the story. How are you supposed to pay attention to the riveting storyline when you're looking for some creepy-looking hipster Indian guy? Or are you═?

I'm thinking you improvised what didn't involve that little spark of a concept and you burned out the tires with special effects, Mr. Rubber Burner. And that's all well and good, Mr. Shyamalan. If you can't dazzle them with brilliance, baffle them with bullshit. Is that it, Mr. Shyamalan? Either way I don't care. That redhead who's going to be in the next Spider-Man movie makes a pretty clutch water nymph and you had me from there. Long as I get a few choice shots (a little nudity would be nice but by no means a requirement), I'll watch it on cable. Story sucked, she looked good. Not much more to say. But I saw you in the theater because I made my girlfriend sit through X-Men 3. I was going to watch your ass on bootleg. Payback's a bitch, Shyamalan. Remember that.


Lady In The Water | Clerks II | You Me And Dupree
Little Man | My Super Ex-Girlfriend | Strangers With Candy




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