July 6 - Aug 8, 2006
ISSUE #104
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Killing for Peace
"Premature" ceasefires and other wacky nonsense
Al Uthman

Oprah Akbar
BTUs & CSI are our best weapons against terrorism
Donnie Dobovich

Suport our Unborn Troops
An Evangelical Editorial by Ian Murphy

Are You Anti-Semitic?
Das BEAST Pop Quiz!

Heard the Good News?
Real messages of apocalyptic hope

Local BEAST

WHL-Duh
Local AM station bans BEAST after severe panty-bunching incident

Of BANANAs & Bonobos
BEAST scores watery blow against acronym proliferation

Departments

Page 3 New & Improved Sabres Jersey

Kino Korner: Movies
Lady in the Water, Clerks II, Little Man, My Super Ex-Girlfriend, Strangers With Candy

BEAST-O-Scopes
Your cosmic fortune in insult form.

[sic] - Letters
Bad Cop, Coulter, Pastries and more Moses


The Little Man

There's this commercial I keep seeing on TV. I want to say its for the DMV. This commercial is a horror show in the purest sense of the words. You've got some dumpy middle-aged couple in a car. Their conversation could very well bore someone sterile through prolonged exposure, but then they get hit by a motorcyclist. Car accidents kind of freak me out. There was one in Adaptation that freaked me out, followed by the one in Punch Drunk Love that wigged me out. At this point in the commercial you're supposed to be scared shitless. If you're rewinding it five times laughing, you're not normal. But it's not over yet.

Then a superimposed Nancy Naples starts walking and talking about motorcycleaccidents. I was freaked to begin with but that woman gave me a heaping helpingof fear. Car accidents and freaky women, hot damn! For the next six hours I laidthere in a coma of fear and exhaustion. When I came to I thought the worst wasover. Not by a long shot.

It was the same day that I saw Little Man. It's the lesser Wayans Brothers remaking a Bugs Bunny cartoon from the 50s. What are people going to start remaking next? A copy of the crime blotter from the Niagara Gazette? The mullet will make a brief comeback shortly afterward. Suspect arrested for attempting to bribe the arresting officer with 8-ball of cocaine and the act of fellatio upon his person. The wells will have all dried up.

This is basically a live-action Looney Tune with Marlon Wayans' face superimposed over a midget. He robbed a bank and is hiding out as a baby. It's basically dozens of dick jokes that might have been better if Bushwick Bill was delivering them. Then you've got to look at Marlon Wayans and his collection of creepy faces.

The only reason my mind is not completely erased was because of Ben at the theater. He knows I can take just about any kind of cinematic punishment but every once in a while he suspects a wild card that could potentially throw me into a frenzy. He's got a bucket of ice water ready behind the emergency exit door that he may have to throw in my face if I appear to have gone under.

Little Man was so creepy that I started going under right away. I am both drawn to and occasionally repelled by midgets or little people. It seems that every time I see one I get a small run of good luck for a few days, but they're by no means talismans of doom. Wayans' head wasn't in proportion with the wee body it was just very unsettling. Dementia took hold in the ensuing succession of dick, ass and tits jokes. Ben had no choice but to pump adrenaline directly into my heart.

I was not entirely out of it at any point when I saw Little Man. I'm pretty sure I was hallucinating though. I can't say for sure. I thought I was watching an episode of In Living Color for a little while. I remember lots of cleavage shots too. Ben was going to steal me some Raisinets and I was waiting on those. But whether you like Little Man or not, you're definitely going to feel the need to bathe afterwards. Unless you're into that male skanky Dane Cook thing. Then see it twice.


Lady In The Water | Clerks II | You Me And Dupree
Little Man | My Super Ex-Girlfriend | Strangers With Candy




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