July 6 - Aug 8, 2006
ISSUE #104
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Features

Killing for Peace
"Premature" ceasefires and other wacky nonsense
Al Uthman

Oprah Akbar
BTUs & CSI are our best weapons against terrorism
Donnie Dobovich

Suport our Unborn Troops
An Evangelical Editorial by Ian Murphy

Are You Anti-Semitic?
Das BEAST Pop Quiz!

Heard the Good News?
Real messages of apocalyptic hope

Local BEAST

WHL-Duh
Local AM station bans BEAST after severe panty-bunching incident

Of BANANAs & Bonobos
BEAST scores watery blow against acronym proliferation

Departments

Page 3 New & Improved Sabres Jersey

Kino Korner: Movies
Lady in the Water, Clerks II, Little Man, My Super Ex-Girlfriend, Strangers With Candy

BEAST-O-Scopes
Your cosmic fortune in insult form.

[sic] - Letters
Bad Cop, Coulter, Pastries and more Moses


Oprah Akbar!
continued - page 2

Who can answer these important questions? I can. I have determined the answer to our nation's dilemma, in the form of a sweeping, revolutionary new foreign policy vision that, if implemented, will change the very nature of international conflict resolution throughout the world. I'm sure that many will dismiss my idea as the nave ravings of a crackpot, but such is the plight of the visionary. I can only relate my epiphany and hope that enough people will comprehend its wisdom.

I recommend a new method of supplying national security to all of the nations of the worldŁa method which entails no deaths, no bombs, no diplomacy and no chance of failure.

Impossible, you say? Well, citizen, hear me out. You see, my plan is sure to work, because it is the ultimate in preemptive actionŁwe will quell the desire to fight before it is even born.

Estimates on US defense spending range from $435 billion (the official Department of Defense budget) to over $1 trillion (including non-DoD defense spending, supplemental cash for the wars in Iraq and Afghanistan, and payments on past debt from military spending).

My recommendation is this: take that money and instead of spending it on still more bombs, tanks and planes, supply every single potential terrorist with free air conditioning and cable or satellite television. This calming combination is lethal to any person's vigor and ambition, be they patriot or evil-doer. Once these elements are in place, America's enemies will simply become too comfortable and listless to fight. I'm calling it œOperation Ramada.”

Think about it: the British once ravaged China by supplying it with opium. I've done opium, and believe me, it's got nothing on TV. It takes an especially addiction-prone personality to spend half his life doing drugs and staring into space, but entire nations do the same thing in front of their television sets.

The plan will work because it addresses the key factors that cause terrorism. Sure, most terrorists will tell you that their motivation to kill civilians stems from the occupation of their land or the subjugation of their people to a hostile oppressor. But those are secondary factors. Whether they know it or not, the primary reasons that people engage in such acts are simple: they're too damn hot and bored out of their skulls.

Operation Ramada will change all of that. Luxuriating in the decadent comfort of their climate-controlled homes, aligning their theta and beta brainwaves with hundreds of crystal-clear channels, formerly enthusiastic members of al Qaeda, Hezbollah and the rest will gradually find themselves missing meetings and losing interest in revolutionary action. Who wants to go out dragging explosives around in the 115-degree sun when House MD is on? Nobody, that's who.

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