July 6 - Aug 8, 2006
ISSUE #104
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Features

Killing for Peace
"Premature" ceasefires and other wacky nonsense
Al Uthman

Oprah Akbar
BTUs & CSI are our best weapons against terrorism
Donnie Dobovich

Suport our Unborn Troops
An Evangelical Editorial by Ian Murphy

Are You Anti-Semitic?
Das BEAST Pop Quiz!

Heard the Good News?
Real messages of apocalyptic hope

Local BEAST

WHL-Duh
Local AM station bans BEAST after severe panty-bunching incident

Of BANANAs & Bonobos
BEAST scores watery blow against acronym proliferation

Departments

Page 3 New & Improved Sabres Jersey

Kino Korner: Movies
Lady in the Water, Clerks II, Little Man, My Super Ex-Girlfriend, Strangers With Candy

BEAST-O-Scopes
Your cosmic fortune in insult form.

[sic] - Letters
Bad Cop, Coulter, Pastries and more Moses


Oprah Akbar!
continued - page 3

All Americans have to do to understand the wisdom of this plan is look in the mirror. To subdue our enemies, neither force nor diplomacy is necessary. All we have to do is replicate the conditions that brought our own people to their current flaccid, docile state. Eventually, once phase one of the plan is complete, we can supply more auxiliary components┘pizza delivery, for instance, or video games┘to enhance and secure the preemption of manifest outrage.

Think this idea is unfeasible? Just look at the numbers: There are only 230 million people in the Middle East altogether. Take the DoD's declared spending for the year, not including nuclear weapons research or supplemental war spending, and that's almost two thousand bucks per potential terrorist per year┘enough to buy a decent TV, a window-mounted AC unit and a year of not just cable, but digital cable. I imagine there'd be some kind of discount involved in signing up that many subscribers at once. In nations with particularly hostile governments, such as Iran, we may have to air-drop satellite dishes directly to the people (political reform should occur within approximately 2.3 viewings of ťAmerica's Next Top Modelö). It'd probably be a good idea to provide broadband Internet access also, so that any residual political angst can be harmlessly vented via blogs and web-forums, the way we do it here.

What about the military-industrial complex, you say? Simple: our defense contractors will have to alter their business plans and become combat-zone cable providers. That way they can still make their mega-bucks while doing their part to truly end the scourge of terrorism. We'd have to spend some money building infrastructure (and rebuilding what we've already destroyed), but in the end, with a physically cool and mentally stupefied Muslim world, our homeland will finally be secure, with a whole new secondary market for reruns to boot. There'd probably even be enough cash left to hook up the FARC rebels in Columbia.

It may seem odd to reward our enemies with the luxuries of the consumerist world, but it's clear our current program of bombing and torturing them just doesn't work. What could possibly bring the Middle East a better understanding of American values than to share our lifestyle? In the field of national defense, it's important to focus on what works. This is true foreign policy realism. Operation Ramada is a go.



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