Turn-ons: Hockey, cocaine, Maryjane, funk, bitches, Eddie Murphy

Turn-offs: Nosy reporters, legless bison, snitches, front teeth, Charlie Murphy

How I became The Beast Page 3 New & Improved Sabres Jersey: Have you seen the new logo design? Tragedy! I was put together by the intrepid BEAST staff in order to avert this looming branding disaster. Using the image of late hometown hero Rick James will not only make the Sabres the grooviest team in the NHL; it will also confuse and bewilder the Slavic and French-Canadian honkies who dominate the league. And think of the licensing possibilities! Sabres roach clips, anyone?

Future Plans: I’m gonna be huge, baby! Every hockey fan and hip-hop kid is gonna wanna slap me on their chest! There’ll be national news stories about me! The Canadians are gonna shit! I’m a take the cup next time, baby—burn those Hurricane bitches!

How I’d like to be remembered: As an anomalistic dose of funk in a field of work that attracts very, very few Negroes. Also as the obvious precursor to the NFL’s Cincinnati Bootsies.