July 6 - Aug 8, 2006
ISSUE #104
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Features

Killing for Peace
"Premature" ceasefires and other wacky nonsense
Al Uthman

Oprah Akbar
BTUs & CSI are our best weapons against terrorism
Donnie Dobovich

Suport our Unborn Troops
An Evangelical Editorial by Ian Murphy

Are You Anti-Semitic?
Das BEAST Pop Quiz!

Heard the Good News?
Real messages of apocalyptic hope

Local BEAST

WHL-Duh
Local AM station bans BEAST after severe panty-bunching incident

Of BANANAs & Bonobos
BEAST scores watery blow against acronym proliferation

Departments

Page 3 New & Improved Sabres Jersey

Kino Korner: Movies
Lady in the Water, Clerks II, Little Man, My Super Ex-Girlfriend, Strangers With Candy

BEAST-O-Scopes
Your cosmic fortune in insult form.

[sic] - Letters
Bad Cop, Coulter, Pastries and more Moses


The Beast Page 3 New & Improved Sabres Jersey
Name: Sabres jersey mark III (Superfreak)

Turn-ons: Hockey, cocaine, Maryjane, funk, bitches, Eddie Murphy

Turn-offs: Nosy reporters, legless bison, snitches, front teeth, Charlie Murphy

How I became The Beast Page 3 New & Improved Sabres Jersey: Have you seen the new logo design? Tragedy! I was put together by the intrepid BEAST staff in order to avert this looming branding disaster. Using the image of late hometown hero Rick James will not only make the Sabres the grooviest team in the NHL; it will also confuse and bewilder the Slavic and French-Canadian honkies who dominate the league. And think of the licensing possibilities! Sabres roach clips, anyone?

Future Plans: Iím gonna be huge, baby! Every hockey fan and hip-hop kid is gonna wanna slap me on their chest! Thereíll be national news stories about me! The Canadians are gonna shit! Iím a take the cup next time, babyóburn those Hurricane bitches!

How Iíd like to be remembered: As an anomalistic dose of funk in a field of work that attracts very, very few Negroes. Also as the obvious precursor to the NFLís Cincinnati Bootsies.



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