July 6 - Aug 8, 2006
Leo (July 23-Aug. 22)
So Leo, your home has been demolished by tank fire, along with all of your worldly possessions and your grandparents. You´ve been heading for safety, but now you see that the traffic jam you´re stuck in is caused by the fact that the highway you´re on ends abruptly where the stinger missiles pulverized it. Well, look on the bright side, at least you still have three limbs! Sometimes, Leo, all you can do is laugh.
Virgo (Aug 23-Sept 22)
Yes, Virgo, Rupert Murdoch is Jewish. And yeah, just about every other media conglomerate is headed by a Jew. But you know all of those left-wing writers you love to read, who inform you about the crimes of Israel and the US’s slavish defense of them? You know: Chomsky, Finklestein, Michael Lerner, etc.? They’re pretty much all Jews too. So maybe Jews are just smart people. After all, I’m a Jew too. What, you thought Gullerstein was Korean?
Libra (Sept 23 -Oct 22)
Libra, I can’t for the life of me comprehend why anyone would be interested in what’s going on in Christie Brinkley’s life. I mean, it’s bad enough that I have to hear about the comings and goings of people like Brad Pitt and Britney Spears, but Christie Brinkley? She’s not even famous anymore! Must be a slow week for celebrity gossip for “Some dude cheats on chick you thought was hot in the ‘80s” to be the big story. What’s next, “Vanna White twists ankle?”
Scorpio (Oct 23-Nov 21)
Scorpio, it’s time to stop firing rockets into Israel. Seriously, have you looked around? They’re exploding the shit out of your country, and for what? You’re blowing up trees, Scorpio. I mean, what good is that? Great, so once in a while one of them hits a building or something, but all the people are already out of there. You’re getting creamed, dumbass.
Sagittarius (Nov 22 - Dec 21)
Sagittarius, I understand that you want America to win the war on terror, but I´d really appreciate it if you stopped using the phrase úhomicide bomber.î It´s just not very descriptive. I mean, every bomber is a homicide bomber, right? Unless they have terrible aim, like Scorpio. The whole point of bombing is to kill people. It´s redundant. They´re suicide bombers. That´s the thing that distinguishes them from other kinds of bombers. It doesn´t make them look good or anything to call them thatin fact it´s totally nuts. It just bugs me, Sagittarius. But what do I know? I´m just a word-writer. though.
Capricorn (Dec 22 - Jan 19)
Yes, Capricorn, the new Chappelle’s Show episodes are a little disappointing. I mean, the Dean scream? How fucking tired is that? And Charlie Murphy and that Ashy Larry guy look kind of pathetic up there, squeezing whatever residual money they can out of their brief association with an actual talented comedian. But you can’t really blame them, can you? They thought they had it made, but lost their meal-ticket, and now they’re running out of cash for coke and hookers. The Tupac song was pretty funny, though.
Aquarius (Jan 20-Feb 18)
Aquarius, I had my doubts about you after you insisted that global warming was a massive hoax perpetrated by climate scientists to secure further funding. But now that the entire country is suffering the hottest summer on record, you really seem to be losing it. I mean, really, how could an evil, secret cabal of climatologists, headed by Al Gore, create and run an invisible mega-furnace, designed to heat the globe and fool us all into believing? Don’t be silly, Aquarius—that kind of technology disappeared along with Atlantis.
Pisces (Feb 19-March 20)
Hey Pisces, I just wanted to say thanks for towing my car the other day. I really hadn't been getting very much excercise this summer, and having no car really provided me with the incentive necessary to start riding my bike more often. Since you took my car, I¥ve been riding that thing everywhere! It's been really good for my energy level, and we both know I could stand to drop a few pounds. Hope you die, Pisces.
Aries (March 21-April 19)
Aries, I hate to tell you this, but that bacon double cheeseburger you ate last night gave you Mad Cow Disease. Just kidding! Actually, it’s called New Variant Creutzfeld-Jakob Disease when contracted by humans. Better get your affairs in order before the giggles set in.
Taurus (April 20-May 20)
Taurus, spending all of your money on Proactiv solution will not make you look like Jessica Simpson. You don’t even have acne for Christ’s sake. Plus you’re, what, 340 pounds? And a man? On the bright side, I’d say you’re almost as smart as she is.
Gemini (May 21 -June 20)
Gemini, you really need to start watching out for live microphones before you start mouthing off at public events. First there was that “major league asshole” comment, and now this “shit” sandwich. Take a cue from that English queer—he was all over it. I know, Gemini—it’s hard work, and those European dignitaries are so stuffy. That German bitch ought to learn how to take a backrub—she could learn a thing or two about deferential body language from Condi. She’s probably gay, anyhow. Anyway, watch out for the microphones—and try not to destroy the world in the next couple of years, all right? Just two more years, and you can kick back, cuss and spit your food at whoever you want. You never have to leave Texas again.
Cancer (June 21-July 22)
Cancer, a new Harris poll says that the number of Americans who believe there actually were WMD in Iraq has increased in the last year to 50%. Half. Half of us believe something that has been repeatedly and conclusively demonstrated to be untrue. You’re one of them, too. But you know better. The truth is, you know there weren’t WMD. But if some dweeb with a clipboard asked you, you’d say there were. Why? Because you’re just not willing to concede the point, especially to a bunch of long-haired liberal freaks. You’d rather consciously deny reality. You’d rather live in a fantasy than accept truths that don’t support your actions. Pretty lame, Cancer. Better get back to church before this message sinks in.
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