July 6 - Aug 8, 2006
ISSUE #104
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Features

Killing for Peace
"Premature" ceasefires and other wacky nonsense
Al Uthman

Oprah Akbar
BTUs & CSI are our best weapons against terrorism
Donnie Dobovich

Suport our Unborn Troops
An Evangelical Editorial by Ian Murphy

Are You Anti-Semitic?
Das BEAST Pop Quiz!

Heard the Good News?
Real messages of apocalyptic hope

Local BEAST

WHL-Duh
Local AM station bans BEAST after severe panty-bunching incident

Of BANANAs & Bonobos
BEAST scores watery blow against acronym proliferation

Departments

Page 3 New & Improved Sabres Jersey

Kino Korner: Movies
Lady in the Water, Clerks II, Little Man, My Super Ex-Girlfriend, Strangers With Candy

BEAST-O-Scopes
Your cosmic fortune in insult form.

[sic] - Letters
Bad Cop, Coulter, Pastries and more Moses


DOWN WITH THE [sic]NESS

I just kept falling on the floor laughing reading "50 Most Loathsome Americans 2005." The beauty in your wittful disgust and delightful sarcasm made me beam with joy. I am glad I found your website. You guys make me want to start writing original really weird stuff like I did in the earlier days. I thought I lost my edge after I was down with the sickness, but reading your works are handing me back my tongue - and no telling where that's been. that brazen little slippery hussy.

You are an inspiration. Thanks!!!Miss Tre` Taylor

Miss Tre,The sickness? What sickness? Get that tongue away from us!

 

BAD COP, WORSE COP

The following email was sent to the Buffalo News and is provided for your information:

Dear Messrs. Lakamp and Meyer:

Time and again, the Buffalo News seems to boldly follow a news story down the wrong track and leads the public to focus on the wrong villian.

It is an undeniable fact that Officer Jefferies should have called for a tow truck when he indicated that a mini tow had been ordered. However, he is not the villian in the story.

It was not Officer Jefferies who charged and collected both fees and late fees from innocent citizens for a towing service that had not been performed.

That crime rests with Leonard G. Sciolino.

Mr. Sciolino is the one who exercised criminal intent to defraud the public.

He either knew or should have known that, while indicated, the towing had never actually occurred.

And he should have adjusted those citizen's fees due accordinging, whether they complained or not. This should be done automatically anytime a tow is indicated.

The Buffalo Police tow truck operator is required to keep a log. One of the main reasons this log is required is to keep track of when a mini tow service is actually performed. This log is turned in everyday and the information compiled in a computer data base which Parking Violations Bureau (PVB) uses to either prove or disprove a tow charge claim. How else would the PVB know who to drop the charge for or return the money to. Your article stated:

"The Parking Violations Bureau confirmed that none of the 102 tickets whose towing fees were paid or are still due resulted in a tow. The remaining 140 tickets had already been waived after vehicle owners complained to the Parking Violations Bureau."

If Lenny Sciolino has a way of knowing after the fact, he obviously has a means of knowing before he charges a citizen for a towing service not performed. Either he is incompetent or he had the criminal intent to defraud these citizens.

Whatever happens in the PVB, the buck should stop with him. As with Andy Fastow and Ken Lay, just because he did not know what was happening in his department to soak innocent citizens, it does not absolve him of criminal responsibility when a crime has been committed.

If you gentlemen and your news organization wants anyone to be investigated and or prosecuted, it should be Mr Sciolino.

Please instruct your readers and direct your DA accordingly.

A copy of this email will be sent to news reporters at channels 2, 4 & 7 as well as ArtVoice, The Beast, The Challenger, and The Criterion as well as many other community newspapers.

Sincerely Yours,
William Small
Police Officer
Buffalo Police Department
E-District

Dear Officer Small,Ken Lay knew exactly what was going ončdon┤t kid yourself. We hope you┤ve got the juice to avoid workplace retribution.

 

AN INCONVENIENT TRUTH

Hello Beasties,

I am playing "The All American Trivia Board Game," and my last question was "Who received the most votes in the 2000 presidential election?"

Kind of incidental to the populace at this point, but Outset Media says it was Al Gore.

This should confuse a lot of kids in five years or so.

Kate in Kingston

Dear Kate,It confuses a lot of adults right now.

 

KIDDINGĺPROBABLY

˙We can only conclude that we were the intended victims of a ígotcha┤ false story plant, the sort of tactic Karl Rove has been credited with, most famously in the case of the forged memo which found its way into Dan Rather┤s ill-fated report on Bush┤s National Guard record. [Niman┤s 'Sour Grapes┤ E-mail Determined to be a Forgery, issue 101.]

Could you please send me your research on the above subject... I am writing a novel about conspiracy reporters who mysteriously disappear... I will keep an eye out for your missing persons report and add it to my novel. Don't be to long( coming up missing) cause I have bills to pay.

Patiently, hopefully waiting,
Thanks,
James M. Seidel International Falls, Minnesota

Dear Mr. Rove,Your veiled threats and false identities don┤t faze us, Karl. You┤ll never be able to intercept our psi-waves as long as we keep these steel colanders on our heads. Nice try, but we know too much to fall for your treachery.

 

[sic] OF THIS LIST

Sirs:
An absolutely spectacular list of cretins, self-centered sissies, and just plain criminally dangerous people. I do have two comments, however.
a.. Thomas Jefferson was a Unitarian.
b.. Why Miss Condi Rice--with her mythical degrees and brainless, nausea-inducing preachiness--is not on the list is baffling.
I laughed so hard at the Paris Hilton, Tom Delay, and Thomas Friedman posts that I nearly fell on the floor! Keep up the wonderful work.

Respectfully,
James Ackman, Ph.D. (and Unitarian)

Dear Dr. Ackman,Jefferson also lived out the lyrics to ˙Brown Sugar.ţ Our problem with Unitariansis simple: they don┤t really believe the bible is the word of God, so why thehell are they in church? Why, college boy? Just drop the charade and sleep in,for Christ┤ssake, so to speak.

 

BUFFALO┤S MALIGNEST

Thanks for the link to "theleftyline.blogspot.com". It's where the police go to whine about not getting their payraise [˙Stormtrooping for Dollars,ţ issue 102].

It's hard to believe officers turning against fellow officers. I wrote some articles and was immediately attacked by some of the lowlife knuckle dragging apes that are on that site.

I also enjoy writing to you and the WGRZ Taxpayer weblog.

I respect everyone's opinion even though I may not agree with it.

In a democracy we should expect no less than debating the issues, but I was appalled by the words of people who suppose to be Buffalo's finest.

James Ziolkowski

Dear James,
We call bullshit on you, sir. You absolutely, unequivocally, do NOT respect everyone┤s opinion.ţ In fact, you┤re a one trick pony if there ever was one, and that trick is attempting to subdue your opponent by accusing him of good old-fashioned anti-Americanism. But don┤t take it from us James, just listen to yourself, as quoted from just three of the scores of imbalanced e-mails you┤ve sent us over the years:

I'm sure the liberals would have loved a successful terrorist attack on American soil.

In my opinion Al Gore is a traitor to America.

You can plainly see, that I fucking hate you bleeding heart pussy liberals who are Godless pieces of shit. To call you people Americans is a joke. Frenchmen or U.N. cocksuckers is more like it.

Listen James, if you want to be a boot-licking loyalist knob, and accuse everyone to the left of Reagan of treason, then be that way. But don┤tcome around here with some phony I┤m okay you┤reokay shtick; we know you too well for that turd to float.

 

KEEPING HOPE ALIVE

I agree with you 100%. But the mainstream loves Coulter. The producer of the Today show said that she is good entertainment. The media writer for the NY Times David Carr said that she was one of the most important political writers of our time-because she sells a lot of books.

The media keeps on referring to the Rather story about Bush as discredited butnobody has proved that these documents were false. And the basic story aboutthe White House bum getting special treatment to get into the Texas Air NationGuard is true-and an old story-it was not news.And Rather is no liberal. After09/11 he went on Lettermen saying that Bush was his leader and he would followher anywhere. A true liberal would have called for Bush's resignation for beingasleep at the wheel which caused 09/11. 09/11 would not happened if Gore werepresdient.

And remember it was Tim Russert and Lisa Myers who gave Juanita Broaddrick TV time although Ken Starr who did not think she had any incredilbity-the only person who did was Tom Delay.Shimansky

Shimansky:Dude, we feel for Dan Rather and all, but that document was totally fake. It┤sthe MS Word factory presets! You know, Times New Roman, 12-point font size? Theydidn┤t even have that font when Bush was AWOL. Seriously, Rather got got. Youneed to accept that. True story; bum document. That┤s how they get ya. Besides,if Rather were still working at CBS today, he┤d be telling you about how perfectlynormal it is for Israel to demolish an entire nation because they┤re missingtwo soldiers. Of course he┤s no true liberal, he was a network anchor. Plushe could put a sentence together.

 

TEACH US OH GREAT ONE

You are correct in your troll evaluation of Coulter but the article itself 'fed the troll'. She does not deserve your attention. Ignore her and she will go away. Good article other than that.ttulBob


Gee, Bob,How could the article be good ˙other than that?ţ The article was about Ann Coulter, so there really isn┤t any ˙otherţ there, is there? I mean, ˙other than that,ţ what exactly did you like about it? The pronouns? The punctuation, Bob? Or maybe it was the part of the article where the paradoxical nature of addressing Coulter while encouraging readers not to think about her is explicitly acknowledged? In fact, Bob, we┤re willing to bet you hadn┤t even thought of that until you read that part, and then you decided to write and remind us, so you could (in your own puny mind) contrive a false perceptive air. But the funny thing is, you failed to perceive our own preemptive perception of the contradiction, and so your message actually reveals you to be quite the imperceptive fellow! Hah!

 

PASTRIES & PROJECTION

Hey [sic], Sorry to burden you with another piece on Ann Coulter.This regards a letterfrom William Lubas of Kenmore to BuffNews ,Sun 25 June. Being open minded, I attempted reading a Coulter book once. I really ,really tried but could only make it a third of the way through.Thankfully it was a library book so she didn't make a profit off me. I think her strategy is to accuse liberals of that which she and her ilk ,themselves, are guilty. She is way more talented than Stephen Colbert (The Colbert Report) is because this anorexic shrew does her act with a straight face.I could've laughed my self sick if not for the fact that she has a legion of fans who are willing to lap up every last drop of her steaming pile of vile ,putrid excrement. This ignorant fool,William Lubas of Kenmore, thinks that that paragon of sanity, Al Franken should be chastised for suggesting that Karl Rove + Lewis Libby be executed for treason. Well in Al Frankens defense, giving up the I.D. of a covert operative in wartime IS treason and the penalty for treason is death. Franken is correct in his belief. But meanwhile Cheney + Rove are free to slither away satisfied with another Mission Accomplished ,leaving "Scooter Pie" Libby dangling in the breeze. But not to worry, if he does any time at all,he'll most likely be pardoned. So ,in closing, I must apologize to William Lubas of Kenmore. I won't be reading any more of Coulters toxic muck( or Limbaughs zealous, drug induced insanity,for that matter),I think she's starting to believe it herself. Now that's a good saleswoman.

Thank You,
Mark G. Smith

Dear Mark,Scooter Pie Libby? Listen, when the guy┤s name is Scooter,ţ you really can┤t make it any sillier.

 

JONESING FOR JONES

Great article [˙Arm or Leg? John Stossel┤s Great Invisible Handjob,ţ issue 94]. I would urge somebody to go ahead and write a book on this dick, and others like him. There's no shortage of material.--Kate

Yes, Kate, But there┤s a total drought on Paul Jones, our most useful intern ever, who appears to have absconded back to his tiny state, along with our hopes and dreams. The man himself is a living shortage. Oh Jones, why hast thou forsaken us? Is it because we never gave you money? Yeah, that was probably it.

 

DEAN MOSES BUSTS A CHUCKLE

Paul, Thank you for printing my letter. Good luck, I'll check back in a couple years.

best, jamie

p.s. not for publication

p.p.s. no. on second thought, print this.

p.p.s. no. better yet, hold one foot, close your eyes and hop in a circle.

Dear Jamie, Hey, you made a joke! Nothing spectacular, but better than terrible! What can it mean? Better astrological mojo? Voodoo curse wearing off? Rectal blockage extraction? Whatever it is, be careful. Your newfound humor may find its way into your paper, causing senior citizens throughout WNY to shit themselves with cranky disapproval. Better to stick with the plan: you┤re the stolid, authoritarian meanie, and we┤re the rag-tag bunch of merry pranksters who play by their own rules. In the end, we manage to sell enough plasma to save the old ski resort, or summer camp, or something. Now shake your fist at the sky and yell something like, I┤m going to get those BEAST kids, if it┤s the last thing I do!ţ

 



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