July 6 - Aug 8, 2006
ISSUE #104
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Features

Killing for Peace
"Premature" ceasefires and other wacky nonsense
Al Uthman

Oprah Akbar
BTUs & CSI are our best weapons against terrorism
Donnie Dobovich

Suport our Unborn Troops
An Evangelical Editorial by Ian Murphy

Are You Anti-Semitic?
Das BEAST Pop Quiz!

Heard the Good News?
Real messages of apocalyptic hope

Local BEAST

WHL-Duh
Local AM station bans BEAST after severe panty-bunching incident

Of BANANAs & Bonobos
BEAST scores watery blow against acronym proliferation

Departments

Page 3 New & Improved Sabres Jersey

Kino Korner: Movies
Lady in the Water, Clerks II, Little Man, My Super Ex-Girlfriend, Strangers With Candy

BEAST-O-Scopes
Your cosmic fortune in insult form.

[sic] - Letters
Bad Cop, Coulter, Pastries and more Moses




My Super Ex-Girlfriend

If you're a true geek of any persuasion, you've had the infamous what superpower would you want debate. Come on, admit it. You've often daydreamed about what you'd do if you had super abilites. And the thing about that whole discussion is that no one is ever smart about their choices. Most people are all about flying. You know what happens the second you go flying? If your bones don't snap you'll by shot down by an F-14 within 5 minutes. And do you REALLY want the ability to read other people's minds? I guarantee you within 2 minutes your mind would be erased, leaving you a drooling idiot. True, you would feel better about yourself briefly but in the end it would have been like looking into The Bucket of Truth and the only thing that would stop you from screaming uncontrollably would be your blown-out vocal cords.

The point is that no one looks at the possibilities practically. If you had claws and a metal skeleton you'd have a hell of a time at the airport and if you had something like super hearing I'd wish you good luck when getting to sleep at night.

When on occasion I am posed this question, my answer comes from practicality and not excessive displays of power. I would want the ability to clone myself. The clones wouldn't do anything I wouldn't do and I would have the ability to retrieve their respective memories when they return to me. I snap my fingers to create them and shake their hands to return them. One day I'll be so powerful I'll be able to mentally retrieve them. I send just enough to work without rousing any legal suspicion. I'll finance any and all debt repayment then work school. When I attend school, I send more clones to the classes I don't want to go to and I'll actually attend the ones I want to sit through. I'll even do homework sometimes. Maybe a combination of tinnitus and dementia will one day prompt me to take over the world, but for now I will use my power for good. MY GOOD, BITCHES!! Hah!

That's what I thought when I saw My Super Ex-Girlfriend. It's the story of a guy who ditches a frumpy art dealer after she gets a little too needy. Turns out she's a frickin super hero and she's crazy as a shithouse rat. She tries killing him when her arch nemesis isn't trying to do the same. And Dwight from the American version of The Office is doling out bad advice the entire time. Uma Thurman plays G-Girl, who happens to be the only reason to see this movie. She does a horrible job but she looks damn good doing it. (If you don't find Thurman attractive you're not going to get much out of this movie.) Luke Wilson, playing the sap running for his life, is less than remarkable as he nearly gets by on looking entirely lost. He's probably dead to Wes Anderson. Then there's his twin brother Rainn who's usually on The Office on NBC. He's funny there and he was more of a kind creepy on Six Feet Under but he tries to blend the two and it doesn't work out too well. Even Eddie Izzard who you thought you'd love as Thurman's arch nemesis is completely wasted as the bad guy, Professor Bedlam.

Nah, I didn't think about all that when I went to see My Super Ex-Girlfriend. I thought about my superpowers. I thought about how I could develop ways to cheat death if one of my clones is killed. I'd meet another superpowered person who happens to be a gypsy mystic. He teaches me how to reabsorb a clone and expel their illness, injury or death. My powers mutate and I suddenly have the ability to heal both myself and others. I am also able to mentally return clones from great distances. I also find a way to have them appear with clothes.


Lady In The Water | Clerks II | You Me And Dupree
Little Man | My Super Ex-Girlfriend | Strangers With Candy




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