July 6 - Aug 8, 2006
ISSUE #104
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Features

Killing for Peace
"Premature" ceasefires and other wacky nonsense
Al Uthman

Oprah Akbar
BTUs & CSI are our best weapons against terrorism
Donnie Dobovich

Suport our Unborn Troops
An Evangelical Editorial by Ian Murphy

Are You Anti-Semitic?
Das BEAST Pop Quiz!

Heard the Good News?
Real messages of apocalyptic hope

Local BEAST

WHL-Duh
Local AM station bans BEAST after severe panty-bunching incident

Of BANANAs & Bonobos
BEAST scores watery blow against acronym proliferation

Departments

Page 3 New & Improved Sabres Jersey

Kino Korner: Movies
Lady in the Water, Clerks II, Little Man, My Super Ex-Girlfriend, Strangers With Candy

BEAST-O-Scopes
Your cosmic fortune in insult form.

[sic] - Letters
Bad Cop, Coulter, Pastries and more Moses


Support Our Unborn Troops
continued - page 2

While the president«s effort to put potential boots on the ground is valiant, it may yet prove futile. Evil scientists with their agenda of œknowledge” will not stand idly by watching stem cells not go to waste, not as long as there is private sector cash involved. A majority of the American public is in favor of stem cell research and the promise of cures for all types of degenerative neural disorders will translate into economic incentives, with funding coming directly from universities and Michael J. Fox. With the baby-boomers quickly succumbing to senility and more and more troops coming back from Iraq with permanently injured spinal cords, there certainly is a growing demand. The beauty of the free market indeed.

Now don«t be fooled into thinking we could simply re-grow the limbs and fix the spines of our brave vets. It«s theoretically possible but only by federally funding the murder of potential human life. Besides, they might be able to lead normal lives again, but they«ll never quite be fightin« fit. Not like embryonic stem cells forced into an impoverished human existence and played œThe Flight of the Valkyries,” at an intense volume, for the duration of their uterine development. After they«re born: neglect, the willfully dilapidated public education system and endlessly droning jingoism of the media will whip them into the brave, unthinking killing machines they deserve to become and our country so desperately needs.

We have set a course in our foreign policy since the tragic events of 9/11. A course requiring rigidity in our hypocritical values as war loving Christians. We must have firmness in our obsession with commercial growth, economic gain and worldwide military dominance, even in the face of imminent destruction by shadowy killers. We can never let the terrorists rob us of our values as a nation, even if we have to kill every one of them to protect the sanctity of life, and by letting stem cells have the chance to flourish into ruthless killing machines, we can do just that. I only wish we could genetically engineer them to have super-human abilities, ensuring a victory in the war on terror, but we can«t do that because it would be immoral. And in this battle we need the moral high ground to prevail.



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