Aug 9 - Sep 7, 2006
ISSUE #105
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Features

Sympathy for the Beagle
Chinese dissidents yearn to be treated like dogs
Allan Uthman

DICKLESS
David Brooks donates genitals in noble pursuit of status quo
Matt Taibbi

HILL ON FIRE
Hillary Clinton copulates with the ghost of Richard Nixon
Matt Taibbi

Happy Hiroshima
John Hershey's Hiroshima turns 60
Alexander Zaitchik

Happy Election 2008
An Exclusive BEAST Preview
Josh Bunting

Local BEAST

Buffalo in Briefs
Kunz Goldman: keepin' it real ... dumb
Ian Murphy

Alt Weakly
The BEAST grades the remodeled Rochester Insider
Brian Sek

Violent Femmes
Thursday in the Square
Reviewed By a Preachy Christian Asshole

Departments

Sprouting Sweet Potato

Kino Korner: Movies
Talladega Nights, Miami Vice, The Night Listener, The Descent, Scoop, John Tucker Must Die

BEAST-O-Scopes
As divined by your etheral guide

[sic] - Letters
Mad Maximalist, The Man Without a Case, The Passion of The Wrist and more


Review of the Violent Femmes at Thursday
in the Square
By: A Preachy Christian Asshole

Its Thursday, which means another summer evening of pushing my beliefs upon others. This week an obviously militant homosexual band called the Violent Femmes has occupied Lafayette Square. As usual, the Jew bankers and alcohol-pushers condone and encourage this flagrant display of pride in perversion. It would turn into an open Satan-worshipping festival were it not for the efforts of myself and other Preachy Christian Assholes.

Christianity is not the only cause being represented downtown tonight. The Tom Cruise worshippers are out in full force, as are a cadre of anti-war hooligans, busy conning drunks into signing their anti-American petitions. That these blasphemers would take advantage of a large public gathering to advance their own unholy agenda makes me physically ill.

Buffalo is a city completely forsaken by God. It must be our proximity to the godless socialists up north. I pray to the Lord Jesus Christ to watch over each and every corner of America and to keep and save us all. Save us Lord, from this promiscuous dancing, cigarette smoking, and punk rock T-shirt wearing. Give our corporate overlords the wisdom to permanently abolish these transgressions. This I pray in Jesus name. Amen.

This song theyre playing now is obviously about teenage fornication! Forget the Israelis and the Lebanese, this is the true sign of the Apocalypse: thousands of unrepentant sinners frolicking and touching each other in front of an army of radical queers playing that most unholy monkey-music called rock n roll. Its a good thing I have my obnoxiously large sign, so the good Lord can see, when He flies down from the clouds, that not all present are condemned to be Left Behind.

Whats that smell? Those goddamn dope freaks! Smoking their Marihuana right next to the statue of General Lafayette! Is nothing sacred? Some little hussy walking by just now asked me if Im a virgin. When I started telling her about the anguish which awaits her in Hell, her boyfriend punched me in the spleen, spat on my prostate body, and stole my sign! Only the One True Lord Jesus Christ knows what those heretics plan on doing with it.

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