|Sept. 7-21, 2006
Virgo (Aug 23-Sept 22)
So Virgo, you squandered your entire three-week vacation in cyberspace, indulging yourself in a juvenile role-playing game about superheroes. You had such big plans—finally putting together those book proposals, for instance—but when it came time, all you wanted to do was defeat imaginary evil. But hey, it’s not like you have nothing to show for your time—you got your claws/invul scrapper to level 38!
Libra (Sept 23 -Oct 22)
You’ve got to stop drinking milk, Libra, and I’ll tell you why. It’s not because the average glass of milk contains more pus than is considered safe for human consumption. Neither is it because milk is also full of antibiotics. Nor is it because it’s just kind of weird to drink the secretions of another animal, meant for that animal’s babies. The reason you need to quit chugging the white stuff is that you, like 75% of the world's population, are lactose intolerant. It’s kind of amazing that you haven’t figured it out, since you make more noise in the bathroom than a tricked out Harley-Davidson, and you spend more on antacids than you do on clothes. So lay off the lattes, Libra, or learn to love soy milk. Your intestines will thank you.
Scorpio (Oct 23-Nov 21)
No Scorpio, it is not a tragedy that the Crocodile Hunter was killed by a stingray; in fact it is damn hilarious. Look, this guys has made a career out of straight up fucking with dangerous animals for many years now, and it is only just and right that one day one of them would teach him the same lesson that the grizzlies taught that idiot Warner Herzog made the film about. Look on the bright side, Scorpio—at least he died before he could manage to feed his baby to a lizard.
Sagittarius (Nov 22 - Dec 21)
Why do you care about Tom Cruise’s baby, Sagittarius? It’s a baby. They all look the friggin’ same. It can’t say anything. It can’t do anything but gurgle and crap. Again—baby. Get a life, Sagittarius.
Capricorn (Dec 22 - Jan 19)
You know, Capricorn, there’s a difference between polygamy and child abuse. That crazy fundamentalist Mormon guy is in jail right now for child rape—totally separate issue from polygamy. What’s really funny to me though, is how readily you condemn wife-collecting when Southwestern crackers do it, but you would vehemently defend the practice among Muslims under the banner of cultural sensitivity. Come on, don’t deny it, Capricorn, you know it’s true.
Aquarius (Jan 20-Feb 18)
Look, Aquarius, you need to turn yourself in, or at least get the hell out of town. This whole thing has gotten out of hand. Can you really say at this point that you’re doing this for your family? Bullshit, Aquarius; you’re doing this for yourself. Just for you, and now two people are dead and a man has lost his leg. They’re gonna kill you when they find you Bucky, er, Aquarius. Your best bet is to give it up, or go live in the woods somewhere else, duh.
Pisces (Feb 19-March 20)
No Pisces, Steve Irwin’s death was not an “unexpected tragedy.” Keep sticking your finger into a light socket and you’re going to get shocked. What’s next, “Man who jumped off building unexpectedly killed by ground?” I mean, the guy was entertaining, but so was Evil Knievel. At least he lasted longer than Grizzly Man.
Aries (March 21-April 19)
If you were the president, Aires, you could just instruct congress to make new laws declaring all of your crimes to be legal. But you’re not the president, are you? No, Aires, you’re not. So next time, it’s probably good to avoid bragging about robbing a liquor store. See you in 3 to 6, Aires.
Taurus (April 20-May 20)
Have you seen Match Point, Taurus? It’s really good—sort of Crimes and Misdemeanors with young, beautiful people in London. It looks great, it’s gripping—but there’s this terrible scene toward the end. Basically, there’s a double murder, and the victims come back and talk to their killer. They’re not ghosts, exactly—more like sympolic voices illustrating the killer’s internal dialogue. The thing is, there’s no need for it. Love, security, betrayal, guilt—to that point the movie did an excellent job of making the viewer ponder these subjects, all while hardly mentioning them. But then, with this bizarre, tacked on scene, Allen destroys the tone of the film, painfully explicating themes he has already made clear with deft, skillful direction, making the whole thing sillier and more heavy-handed. Here’s this beautiful, compelling story, absolutely not a comedy or some magical realist crap, and suddenly the fucking Ghost of Christmas Past and Hamlet’s dad show up for a Greek dialogue on the nature of guilt? Unwise. Still, it’s a great movie and everything, XXXXX. Just, you know—the worst thing about it is that you just know Woody thinks this is the climax of the movie, the scene he probably wrote the rest of it around. But sometimes, Taurus, the first idea sucks, and the filler is actually the good stuff.
Gemini (May 21 -June 20)
Gemini, stop making jokes about how stupid the people who read the Weekly World News must be when you’re in line at the supermarket. All you’re doing is revealing how stupid you are. The Weekly World News is a masterpiece of satire, really the funniest publication in America, and you just don’t get it. Pick it up and read it sometime—it makes the Onion look as edgy as Mad, Cracked even. That all I’ve got for you, Gemini.
Cancer (June 21-July 22)
Why can’t you get decent job, Cancer? Free trade, that’s why. Keep on supporting it, dumbass.
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